i hate it | Erin Jackson | Stand-Up Comedian

No, I spilled your soda a.k.a. Rich people can kick rocks

Yeah, you bet u o me...

Someone please explain this to me…

I’m watching the news right now and there’s a story about JP Morgan Chase spending $138 million to buy two new corporate jets and a luxury airport hangar, after they asked for and received $25 billion in TARP bailout money. And their argument is that “no TARP money was used to fund the purchases.”

Are they serious?

Anyone who has ever had to borrow money from someone else knows that’s an UNACCEPTABLE argument. In fact I’ve learned (the hard way) that when you owe people money, they don’t want to hear about anything interesting you’ve done in your life until after you pay them back. The “It’s not your money” excuse never works.

Hypothetically speaking, it’s kinda like when you’re at a football game at FedEx Field and your homeboy gives you money to buy each of you a soda at the snack bar, and you spill one of them as you trip up the steps to the 400 section on the way back to your seat — cause you had to brace your fall, right — and you tell him that the soda that you wasted was his.

No for real it was, Steve. I said as soon as I bought it, “This soda on the right is mine. And Steve’s is the one on the left. Yeah I know you paid for it, but look… I skwaped my hand.” But he’s not trying to hear you.

Hypothetically.

I don’t understand rich people and this whole something-for-nothing mentality where they ask for help but think they should be able to operate business as usual and not have to sacrifice anything. That is not how life works. At least not for the rest of us. I’m sure what comes next is faux outrage over the expenditures and no actual accountability. Pardon me if I change the channel, ’cause I’ve seen this episode already. All the news does is make me angry. I need to think of something less depressing — like my love life.

Oh wait…

Sigh.

Redskins Inferiority Complex

Thanks to Kenny for spotting this license plate on his way to work this morning and sending it over. Even though I’m a little sore at my team’s front office, I gotta defend them against these delusional Redskins fans. Y’all some haters ;)

No they don't! Well maybe we will... but that is yet to be seen, so stop being a hater.

No they don't! Well maybe we will... but that has yet to be determined, so stop being a hater.

The pitbull, 911 and my E! THS

I pulled up in front of my building the other day and noticed a dog pacing back and forth in front of my building and the two houses on either side. Then it crossed the street and sat on another neighbor’s porch for a while… It didn’t have a collar or a person attached to it so I decided to wait in my car until it was far enough down the street for me to make it safely to my building.

At first glance, I thought it was a doberman. But when it got closer to my car I realized it was a pitbull — YIKES!

Pretty, but scary...

I eventually made a run for it. A few of my neighbors were on their porch in captivity as well, so as soon as I got inside my gate I called 911, who then put me through to Animal Control. In hindsight, I wish I had played it up a bit and been more hysterical. Because they tape those things and I mean, really… how often do you get the chance to legitimately call 911? It could have been great material for my E! True Hollywood Story.

Talk about a missed opportunity.

Facebook status gets Eagles employee fired — ain’t that some ish?

My boy Kenny sent me this article yesterday. I hadn’t heard about it. Crazy. What ever happened to the first amendment? I posted something very similar on my Facebook page and inÂ this blog. What? Y’allÂ gonna ban me from attending games this season–if I can even bear to?…

I hope dude lawyered up. Cause I’m sure this is illegal–or at least I hope it is. Maybe they sign some kind of contract or something when they’re hired to work at the stadium?!?… All I’m saying is you shouldn’t be able toÂ fire someone for being a fan and loving your team so much they want to work for you. Disappointment is only natural when the real backbone, the captain of your team is so beloved in the city and still playing at such a high level. Gimme a break, Philly. You are trying my patience. Whatever y’all are trying to put together, itÂ better be good. Really, really good.

From ESPN.com

A Facebook post criticizing his employer, the Philadelphia Eagles, cost a stadium operations worker his job, according to a story in Monday’s Philadelphia Inquirer. Continue reading →

Are you there, God? It’s me, EJ

I do not understand this.

What kind of God would allow this to happen? My faith in the inherent goodness of humanity has been shaken. It’s been a week and I just do not understand this. I’m having a hard time putting this post in the ‘GO EAGLES‘ category.

This is my protest. B Dawk forever!!!

Hooray for trading away the heart and soul of the franchise. Way to go!

BARTENDER!?!?!!!!!!

I may be an ass… but you have awful taste

So I was at Macy’s shopping with one of my girlfriends about a week ago and she was pushing me to try on a hideous dress I knew I was gonna hate. I told her I didn’t want to waste my time, but she kept saying, “Oh E, it’s gonna look better on. I’m telling you that hanger just isn’t doing anything for it…”

Needless to say she punked me into it. I had her wait out by the three-way mirror and I was just talking ish the whole time I was trying to get it zipped and buttoned up:“Ugh, this dress is so ugly… Why the hell did you make me try this on?… You would never wear any shit like this… Who would BUY this piece of crap?”

You name it, I probably said it. She wanted me to come out and show her and I kept on… “Alright, but there better not be anyone else out there. I don’t even want to be seen in a dressing room wearing this thing.” She assured me there was no one else out there, but as I was opening the door to my dressing room, the door directly across from me opens at the same time, and the woman is standing there right in front of me wearing the dress I’ve been bashing out loud for the past 5 minutes…

Yeah.

AWWWK-WARD…

This stuff doesn’t happen to other people, does it? No, really… I couldn’t even look up. But I could tell she was staring dead at me. It was the most ashamed I’ve been of myself in years…

I don’t know if that lady bought the dress — I didn’t stick around to find out — but me and my big mouth have totally learned our lesson. I know this is gonna sound hella self-centered but sometimes it totally slips my mind that there are other people in the world… Well, I plan on taking this to the stage. So hopefully it will have been a worthwhile experience on more than one front.

Ugly Michael Kors dress lady, if you’re reading… I’m sorry for being an ass. But if we’re honest with ourselves I think all three of us will admit that dress was herblistenous… So, in a weird roundabout way, I kinda did you a favor… Yeah.

You’re welcome.

My first gold tooth a.k.a. I hate my dentist

So it’s taken a while — partly because I’m broke and partly because I have a very popular dentist — but I recently finished getting a crown on a molar I broke last year while eating a piece of popcorn. You may or may not remember this poignant haiku…

It ended up costing way more than $600. And the first temporary fell out twice — once while I was out to lunch with friends. But that was nowhere near the most embarrassing part of this process. No… that precious moment came when my dentist was fitting me for the permanent crown and he brought out a mirror and an array of porcelain samples varying in color from pretty damn white to what I can only describe as Mountain Dew. He then proceeded to hold what I thought was a relatively yellow tooth up to my tooth in the mirror and said, “What do you think about this one? I think this is about right.”

Dude, are you serious?

That tooth looks like it’s been out drinking cigarettes and smoking coffee all its life. My teeth are not that color. I told him to go up a couple shades lighter. But he picked the tooth right next to the coffee/cig tooth and said, “Nah, I think this one is way too white.”

“Way too white?” No really, am I being punked?

Because I feel like I should have the option to have a snow white tooth in my mouth if that’s what I want. If I want the whitest tooth on that color palette, I should be able to get it as long as my check clears… Maybe my whole plan was to start with a new white tooth and Crest White Strip it up until they all match… Or maybe I wanted my new crown to inspire my other teeth to be better on some Obama “Yes We Can” ish. But I shouldn’t have been forced to take the tooth Dr. Davis thinks I should have.

Now, I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but I literally (figuratively) feel like I have a gold tooth in my mouth. Seriously… I open my mouth wide enough and I feel compelled to quote Kool G. Rap lyrics and sing Mary J. Blige hooks. Do you understand?

Exhale.

My boy said it’s not that bad, but for the sake of the funny, let’s just say it is ;)

Talk later,
-E

I’mma be on TV, Jazmine Sullivan, and is this shirt the devil?

Sorry in advance for the epic. Eat some now, save some for later…

So, I went up to NY yesterday for what I guess you would call a ‘commercial shoot.’ It was a project for TBS where instead of having their corporate advertisers run 30-second commercials, they ask comics to write bits around the products and perform them in comedy club settings. I guess it’s a more subliminal type of advertising and the spots air primarily during the weeknight comedy block. Not sure if I did a good job of explaining this, so here’s one that cutie patootie Jeff Dye did last go-round:

That make sense? So our companies were Pop Tarts, Cici’s Pizza and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. It was a challenge to write jokes that portray all these products in a completely positive light because my instinct as a comic is to poke fun at things, point out what’s bad or dumb about them…Â Strangely, that doesn’t seem to work when you’re writing ads for a product. Imagine that. ;)

We shot in Brooklyn and I headed right back to DC as soon as I wrapped the shoot. I hate driving on bridges but in order to get home I had to drive the Verrazano and the Goethals. I was OK on the Verrazano…

Wide lanes, I didn't feel constricted...

But that damn Goethals Bridge… OMG!!! It was smooth sailing leaving Brooklyn and all the way down the Jersey Pike, but as I’m merging onto 95 South after crossing the Delaware Memorial I hear a loud CRACK! I can tell whatever it was happened to my car, but I had no idea what it was. As I slowed down I heard a crunching sound and thought that I had run over a bottle or something. But my tires seemed to be OK… I had to cross 4 lanes of traffic to get to the shoulder and when I finally parked the car and turned around I realized that my rear driver’s side window was completely blown out. That crunching sound was the glass falling out onto the highway. Continue reading →