Sometimes when there’s a jazz quintet in the Macy’s men’s department playing “When the Saints Go Marching In,” you gotta join in and make it a sextet.
This morning while I was tacking up some Christmas photos of my friends’ kids, I realized that I had three save-the-date magnets on my refrigerator from couples that are no longer married. (Stop looking so close — I removed the magnets I’m talking about. Sheesh, I’m not that big an a–hole.) Such a shame. I’ve been doing a joke lately about not wanting to take the tags off new dresses unless it’s for a worthwhile event. Watch below:
It’s only a joke… But I actually felt kinda bad about the bit after this morning’s discovery… And I considered just trashing the magnets because they conjure bad memories and probably carry bad energy — but I didn’t. Wanna know why? Because they are some good ass magnets. Strong magnets. Not so much for the marriages…
But I digress.
I don’t think I’ve ever bought a magnet in my life. And I damn sure ain’t ’bout to pick today to start
running buying them. I feel so sorry for all involved. And I’ll try my best to remember to take down your magnets the next time any of you come to visit.
So I was at Macy’s shopping with one of my girlfriends about a week ago and she was pushing me to try on a hideous dress I knew I was gonna hate. I told her I didn’t want to waste my time, but she kept saying, “Oh E, it’s gonna look better on. I’m telling you that hanger just isn’t doing anything for it…”
Needless to say she punked me into it. I had her wait out by the three-way mirror and I was just talking ish the whole time I was trying to get it zipped and buttoned up:“Ugh, this dress is so ugly… Why the hell did you make me try this on?… You would never wear any shit like this… Who would BUY this piece of crap?”
You name it, I probably said it. She wanted me to come out and show her and I kept on… “Alright, but there better not be anyone else out there. I don’t even want to be seen in a dressing room wearing this thing.” She assured me there was no one else out there, but as I was opening the door to my dressing room, the door directly across from me opens at the same time, and the woman is standing there right in front of me wearing the dress I’ve been bashing out loud for the past 5 minutes…
This stuff doesn’t happen to other people, does it? No, really… I couldn’t even look up. But I could tell she was staring dead at me. It was the most ashamed I’ve been of myself in years…
I don’t know if that lady bought the dress — I didn’t stick around to find out — but me and my big mouth have totally learned our lesson. I know this is gonna sound hella self-centered but sometimes it totally slips my mind that there are other people in the world… Well, I plan on taking this to the stage. So hopefully it will have been a worthwhile experience on more than one front.
Ugly Michael Kors dress lady, if you’re reading… I’m sorry for being an ass. But if we’re honest with ourselves I think all three of us will admit that dress was herblistenous… So, in a weird roundabout way, I kinda did you a favor… Yeah.