I am hungry

I am on a ‘get sexy for Comedy Central’ diet/exercise program and I am very, very hungry. Funnyman and buddy Joe Robinson told me (clears throat) and I quote, “If you get too skinny you’ll lose ten minutes off your act.” And he is so right… I’d have to replace some of my best material. I heart Joe for even suggesting that in the next two months I could lose enough weight to render my plus size jokes useless. But I don’t want to look like a donut on TV. If cameras add ten pounds and I lose ten pounds, then on TV I’ll look like I look right now in real life… which now that I think of it, really is not encouraging at all.

Anyway I thought of writing a list about diet/fat free products that claim to taste just like the real thing… but DON’T. But that list started getting too long. So I thought instead I’d post a list of diet products that I think taste as good as the real thing, and that list was hella shorter. So far I’ve found:

  1. Diet Dr. Pepper

That’s it.

If any of you have other products I should add to my list let me know. Because spinach greens, Diet Dr. Pepper and orange Tic Tacs are getting real old. real quick.

Good for you or the WGA hates puppies


The Angel on my right shoulder says: Wow, the Writers Guild is gangsta. No Golden Globes? I never thought it’d go so long. As an aspiring writer, I know if I were in the Guild and I didn’t see a dime from work that was making other people rich, I’d be pissed too. Good for you for sticking in there. I hope that you get what you deserve. Haha! When has anybody ever said “I hope you get what you deserve” and meant it in a positive way? I think maybe that was the very first time.

I am kinda sad that I’m gonna miss seeing the red carpet and all the teary-eyed acceptance speeches. But I must say I’m impressed that the actors have refused to cross the picket lines. They’re supposed to be selfish and vain. It’s kinda refreshing.

Long live the WGA.

The devil on my left shoulder says: The WGA hates bald eagles, and apple pie, and baseball, and Doritos, and puppies — everything that makes this country great. I rushed to the movies to see all the major contenders over the last month or so. I was prepared. I saw No Country for Old Men, The Great Debaters, Juno, The Kite Runner¦ just so I could have an opinion come Golden Globe night! How dare they? How could they be so selfish and vain? I spent nearly $100 on movie tickets, theatre parking, and snacks over the past month and ALL I GET is some bootleg NBC newscast of winners’ names? This blows… No Denzel in a tux? No smart ass acceptance speech from cute little Ellen Page? (You know she’s gonna win). No text messaging my girl Angi about how fabulous Queen Latifah looks? (It’s inevitable).

I hate the WGA.