On Wednesday nite, my dad walked into the house later than usual and he was obviously upset about something. Turns out he was pulled over by the cops for suspicion of DWI. The crazy thing is that my dad has never had a drink in his life, and he was on his way home from conducting Bible study at the local prison. Basically, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who is more un-drunk than my dad. They kept him for about 45 minutes and made him pull over in a parking lot, do that balancing on one leg thing, walk the line, take a breathalyzer. They asked him about his highest level of education, where he was coming from, what drugs he had taken that day…
Some major stuff. And I totally understood why he was pissed. But right after he told me what happened he said, “I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I’m gonna tell him about this!” So I asked him why he would tell his dentist about it. He then informed me that the dentist was also the mayor of the town.
And I tried not to laugh. Really I did…
A little background: My parents do not live in the town in which I grew up. They moved south when they retired. And while there may have been a mayor/dentist in the town where I grew up, I can’t ever remember knowing who he/she was. Maybe we didn’t even have a mayor… But I lived in DC for 15 years and after living in a city where the mayorship is a pretty big deal, the idea of a dentist/mayor sounds pretty… well… country. Is he a dentist who decided to give local politics a try? Or even more hilarious–is he a local politician who enrolled in dentistry school so he’d have something to fall back on?
Either way, I gotta get the hell out of this town.
So here’s a short new bit that combines the stories of my recent root canal and the tale of my visit to the dentist’s office last year due to evil popcorn. Both trips hurt my mouth, my bank account, but most of all, my feelings. Go back and check out the earlier post after the vid if you like. Perhaps you’ve had a similar visit?…
So it’s taken a while — partly because I’m broke and partly because I have a very popular dentist — but I recently finished getting a crown on a molar I broke last year while eating a piece of popcorn. You may or may not remember this poignant haiku…
It ended up costing way more than $600. And the first temporary fell out twice — once while I was out to lunch with friends. But that was nowhere near the most embarrassing part of this process. No… that precious moment came when my dentist was fitting me for the permanent crown and he brought out a mirror and an array of porcelain samples varying in color from pretty damn white to what I can only describe as Mountain Dew. He then proceeded to hold what I thought was a relatively yellow tooth up to my tooth in the mirror and said, “What do you think about this one? I think this is about right.”
Dude, are you serious?
That tooth looks like it’s been out drinking cigarettes and smoking coffee all its life. My teeth are not that color. I told him to go up a couple shades lighter. But he picked the tooth right next to the coffee/cig tooth and said, “Nah, I think this one is way too white.”
“Way too white?” No really, am I being punked?
Because I feel like I should have the option to have a snow white tooth in my mouth if that’s what I want. If I want the whitest tooth on that color palette, I should be able to get it as long as my check clears… Maybe my whole plan was to start with a new white tooth and Crest White Strip it up until they all match… Or maybe I wanted my new crown to inspire my other teeth to be better on some Obama “Yes We Can” ish. But I shouldn’t have been forced to take the tooth Dr. Davis thinks I should have.
Now, I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but I literally (figuratively) feel like I have a gold tooth in my mouth. Seriously… I open my mouth wide enough and I feel compelled to quote Kool G. Rap lyrics and sing Mary J. Blige hooks. Do you understand?
My boy said it’s not that bad, but for the sake of the funny, let’s just say it is ;)