Panties on the Ground

I was in the dressing room at a Super Target in Illinois yesterday and saw this sign:

Now, I’ve seen this sign in dressing rooms before and I get why they put it there, but I’ve always wondered why they single out swimwear. How ’bout this: How ’bout we keep on our undergarments regardless of what we’re trying on. Because when you add the qualifier, it just invites misinterpretation.

“Oooh, yes! The jeans fit. Now let me put my panties back on so I can try the bikini…”

See what I mean?

They don’t make the sign generic because they assume keeping your underpants on while trying on regular clothing is understood. But I submit that the people who would try on a swimsuit without underwear would try on anything that way. It’s already gross to think that Lord-knows-how-many people may have tried on your clothes before you bought them. Factor in (or should I say out) the potential absence of underwear and folks with questionable hygiene practices and it becomes exponentially mas gross.

I think department stores across the country should get together and update their signs to eliminate all confusion. Maybe it could look something like this:

Yeah. I think that hits the right note. You’re welcome.

I may be an ass… but you have awful taste


So I was at Macy’s shopping with one of my girlfriends about a week ago and she was pushing me to try on a hideous dress I knew I was gonna hate. I told her I didn’t want to waste my time, but she kept saying, “Oh E, it’s gonna look better on. I’m telling you that hanger just isn’t doing anything for it…”

Needless to say she punked me into it. I had her wait out by the three-way mirror and I was just talking ish the whole time I was trying to get it zipped and buttoned up:“Ugh, this dress is so ugly… Why the hell did you make me try this on?… You would never wear any shit like this… Who would BUY this piece of crap?”

You name it, I probably said it. She wanted me to come out and show her and I kept on… “Alright, but there better not be anyone else out there. I don’t even want to be seen in a dressing room wearing this thing.” She assured me there was no one else out there, but as I was opening the door to my dressing room, the door directly across from me opens at the same time, and the woman is standing there right in front of me wearing the dress I’ve been bashing out loud for the past 5 minutes…



This stuff doesn’t happen to other people, does it? No, really… I couldn’t even look up. But I could tell she was staring dead at me. It was the most ashamed I’ve been of myself in years…

I don’t know if that lady bought the dress — I didn’t stick around to find out — but me and my big mouth have totally learned our lesson. I know this is gonna sound hella self-centered but sometimes it totally slips my mind that there are other people in the world… Well, I plan on taking this to the stage. So hopefully it will have been a worthwhile experience on more than one front.

Ugly Michael Kors dress lady, if you’re reading… I’m sorry for being an ass. But if we’re honest with ourselves I think all three of us will admit that dress was herblistenous… So, in a weird roundabout way, I kinda did you a favor… Yeah.

You’re welcome.