Old Skool. Literally.

This is one of my first — if not the first — student film project I did while I was at Howard University. I ran into one of my former classmates/production team members at a show tonite and I told her I’d Youtube this for her. So I thought I’d share with you too ;)

The video is called “Ghetto Superstar” and it’s about a ghetto superhero who rescues innocent women from annoying men with no game. Shaky camera work, poor lighting and blurry focus by yours truly ;) And the sound effects came courtesy of Wu-Tang Clan’s “Enter the 36 Chambers” and the rest of the ladies in the group (I did the one where the guy next to the car is laughing).” It’s not exactly a masterpiece. But it’s still fun to watch. I’m not in it but a bunch of my old HU buddies are. Back then all I wanted to do was operate camera and edit. I had absolutely no desire to ever be in front of the camera… but look at me now. Life is so random.

Good people

Every now and then something happens that reaffirms my belief that people are good.

I had a show last nite in Charlottesville, VA. I parked my car in a parking deck in DC yesterday afternoon, and when I came back to the car to leave for my show, the parking lot attendant told me that I had a flat tire.

Inconvenient? Yes. But I’ve changed dozens of flat tires, so it wasn’t a huge problem. I asked her if the car was in a spot where I had room to jack it up and she said yes. Cool. So the man who parks the cars walked me down into the garage and I popped my trunk and pulled out my spare… only to realize that it was flat. I then remembered how I had a flat last winter and never took my spare to be fixed. Typical me.

But what to do?

I didn’t panic or have a cussing fit because there really wasn’t anything I could do about the situation. It was too late to try and get it to a garage and have it fixed because they would be closing for the day. I can count on 1, maybe 2 fingers the number of shows I’ve had to cancel on really short notice. And I absolutely hate to do it. But sometimes things happen.

I called the guy who booked the show I was headed to and told him there was no way I was gonna be able to get my tire(s) fixed and make it to Charlottesville in time for the show. And just as I was about to go call a tow truck, the parking lot employee who walked me down into the garage offered to lend me his donut.

Who DOES that?

I’ll tell you who. No one. Continue reading →

Keep the change

OK so this is random.

Two posts about LL Cool J this month. Who’dve thunk? But this couldnt be ignored. The Ladies Love was being interviewed on the Steve Harvey Morning Show this morning. They were discussing — among other things – the keys to his longevity and his abdominal muscles. I don’t know one man in my personal life who is comfortable talking about another man’s attractiveness or body, but it seems like whenever I see or hear a man interview LL Cool J, he inevitably ends up complimenting him on his body. I think LL has mind control like Deebo.

Moving on… I said in my previous LL post this month that I have not in the past enjoyed LL interviews. So when I turned on my radio this morning I was excited to put my theory to the test… and I was pleasantly surprised. LL was giving a sort of testimony and pep talk to anyone out in radioland who ever had a dream. He said something like, “There’s no age limit to success. Colonel Sanders started KFC at age 65 and Russell [Simmons], Rick [Rubin] and I kicked off Def Jam when I was 15… If you dream of something do it.”

Go LL! … Maybe I was wrong about you.

But he then added that he also attributes a lot of his success to the fact that he tithes in church. Now, I know that should have really put me over the top — made me wanna renege on all my anti-LL-interview rhetoric. And it did — for about 30 seconds. Because about 30 seconds after LL talked about faith in God and being rewarded for that faithfulness, they played his new single, “Baby.”

Exhale.

I don’t know how many of you have heard this song (I’m sure I would never have heard it on the station I listen to if LL weren’t a guest) so I decided to post some of the lyrics below. I pulled them from the Web so I’m sure they’re not 100% accurate, but I heard it for myself this morning. The ‘important’ stuff is there… Check ’em out and meet me on the other side:

I Met this little girl, she was off the hook
I got cold chills when her body shook
Hot sex on the platter no need to cook
I let her steal my heart like a horny crook
Had her grinding and winding against my leg
She messin with my head, wanna play in the bed
Sexy pumps on, toenails red
Your bodys a gun baby, pump me full of lead
It hard to hold you when you movin’ vulgar
Peace sign on your eyes like John Travolta
My pulp ain’t fiction, it’s an addiction
To see your booty clap on the floor in the kitchen
Nasty girl, taught me all the lingo
While mama play bingo, she ride mandingo
She dont give a damn if im married or single
She makes me tingle

She likes Hip-Hop and R&B
Her life time goal is to be on TV
She looking for a man that could give her a break
Like Usher or Justin Timberlake
Im really not sure if her breasts are fake
Cuz wit whipped cream on em, they taste just like cake
We drink some beer, inside of daddy’s ’64
She shot me in the back with cupids arrow
We finish the 6-pac, she push the seat back
Pulled up her dress n she let me peep that
Im Drunk as a skunk, feeling all dirty
Truck stop bathroom at 7:30
Bought her some dessert, give a damn if its early
Head spinnin around like roller derby
Everything about her says you dont deserve me
I hope im worthy

In the back of the pickup, clothes are rip up
She see my chrome wheels, it gets more real
Running and laughing, music blasting
Side over the road, bent over crashing
Mouth all dry, can feel the urge
If you see my mama, dont say a word
The cops wanna know im a word are slurred
Dont ask me officer ask her
Wanna another drink baby she like sure
Wanna hit the club she like I dont curr
She all in the rearview doin her hurr
Hairspray and lip gloss everywhurr
This all happens on an average day
Your life is a trip girl, im here to stay
Never had a girl make me feel this way
Even tho I had to pay

I’m not sure God wants 10 percent of the proceeds from that. I’m just saying.

Never had a girl make me feel this way / Even tho I had to pay

Really??? Had to pay???

Hey LL, Jesus just called.  He said you can keep your dime.

Cullen Jones and the brothas in the Coast Guard — see, some of us can swim

This has been a great week for the “Black People Who Can Swim Movement.” First Cullen Jones was part of the US Olympic Swim Relay Team that won gold in Beijing, and just last nite I met two (count ’em “2”) brothas who are in the Coast Guard when I did a benefit on the USCG base at Curtis Bay, MD — granted one of them told me he operated the base’s forklift, but I’m pretty sure that brotha can at least float. My joke about every Black person in America having a story about the time they almost drowned went over swimmingly. Tee hee ;)

The benefit was for a The Greater Baltimore Area Coast Guard Spouse Association, which operates a not-for-profit baby pantry that provides clothes, housewares, baby furniture and other baby items for Coast Guard families, USGC civilian workers, as well as those in other military branches. Nate’s Open Door Pantry was founded in 2005 and has provided free items to more than 400 families. It was a great event, and I was so happy to be a part of it. If y’all are reading this and can ever use me again, gimme a holler. I’d be more than happy to come back!

Thicker skin

The other nite at Nationals Park, I had a reporter ask my opinion on what the hardest or worst (I can’t remember exactly how she phrased the question) thing about comedy was. And my answer was that for me the hardest thing and the best, most awesome thing about comedy are one in the same.

Having to define and prove yourself on a nightly, shit, a minute-by-minute basis is not an easy thing to do. But it’s also what keeps you on your toes, working hard to get better, write better stuff… The 10:00 crowd doesn’t give a damn if you crushed at 8:00. If I can quote my favorite Miss Jackson, it’s a very “what have you done for me lately” kind of thing. But its also awesome that you start with a clean slate every show. I mean in what other kind of job does it not matter at all what you did just an hour before? “Oh so you lost a 5 million-dollar account? OK, well go have a few drinks and lets give it a go again when you get back.”

Doesn’t happen.

What I didn’t talk to her about is something I’ve had to deal with more and more recently… and that’s folks who go out of their way to say mean things in print or on the Web. It’s funny, I’ve always enjoyed reading celebrity entertainment blogs. But until you’ve had some really evil shit said about you by people you’ve never met and probably will never meet, you can’t really understand the impact that those blogs can have on the folks they’re ribbing. By no means do I mean to suggest that I’m anywhere close to being in the same league as some of the celebs that are talked about ad nauseum on those sites, but even way down here on the Z-list, there are folks who go to extraordinary lengths to say hurtful shit.

I’ve never been an outwardly emotional person, but I think the people in my life that know me well, know that I am affected a lot by those things. The more and more these incidents happen, the easier it becomes to deal with it. But there have been times when I’ve been brought to tears by something an anonymous poster wrote on a blog or a message board or a Youtube page.

Comedy, or maybe I should say the entertainment industry as a whole, has helped me to thicken my skin. Learning to hear and accept “No.” or “You’re not ____ enough.” or “You’re too ____” and not take it as a personal insult or an attack on your character can be tough. But I’m thankful for the lesson.

My friends are quick to call these writers and posters ‘haters’ and while I think that’s true (You see me… Hi hater), they’re also motivators. Sometimes when the comment won’t allow me to just ignore it, instead of responding with what my sarcastic comedic instincts beg me to write, I just post a simple “God bless you too.” or “Thanks so much for sharing your opinion.”

Katt Williams said it best I think:


E

Ladies Night Recap — We was maaad presidential, son!

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How much fun was last night?

Thanks to all the ladies (and smart guys ;) who came out to the Washington Nationals Ladies Night last nite. The afternoon monsoon had me worried, but it cleared up and wound up being a gorgeous evening! There was so much going on… tons of specialty vendors, great food, free alcohol, manicures, massages, music, dancing — two Nats players even signed autographs AND “Supermanned a few ho’s” — shout to Lastings Milledge ;) It was great fun! I only did like 15 minutes, but the crowd was awesome and getting the chance to chat with and meet so many of them after my performance was great. Oh and the ladies at the Nats, Bree and Katherine, were just amazing! They made me feel like an actual VIP and really, isn’t that what it’s all about? ;)

There was one really funny thing that happened… I was being interviewed and had my back to the stadium and they set off some fireworks and I literally screamed, “Oh s–t!” and ducked. When I got up I said something like, “I don’t care how nice this stadium is. We are still in Southeast. I know what to do when i hear ‘bucks’ in the air.” The reporter lost it. I totally expect to see that in her story. Too funny ;) Oh, and it’s ok for me to make that joke because I live in Southeast.

No, not Capitol Hill…

Southeast.

A few of my girls came out to the event which was awesome. I ended up having some extra tickets and was able to give them an unexpected seat upgrade. Instead of sitting in the Scoreboard Pavilion, we had seats in the Presidents Club, which was just as swanky as it sounds. There was a nice restaurant in there where the food was included, a free tequila tasting by Patron (damn that stuff is smooth) and our seats were in the second row directly behind home plate. You may have seen me on TV if you looked really close. I was the one directly behind the ump wearing the Nats gear and cheering for the Mets (sorry it’s instinctive). “Yeeeah Beltran! I mean……..” ;) Doesn’t get much better than that. The phrase of the nite was “Obama, bitches!” Cause we were in the Presidents Club… Get it? Guess you had to be there… and be tipsy off tequila shots ;) Tee hee ;)

Here are a few photos from the evening. Wish you all could have been there! Continue reading →

Obama’s “BLACK” Press Conference

So, I’ve been slacking a little on reading some of my favorite blogs. And I just came across a gem from a few weeks back written by comedy buddy, vigilante pundit, and my personal blogging hero, Baratunde Thurston. The post is about the need for Barack Obama to clear the air and answer all questions and address all issues related to Black people in this country in order to shut the media up. Such a funny post!

Here are my three favorite “questions” from the blog (in no particular order):

  • Many black people believe whites are blue-eyed devils. I’ll take your silence as agreement.
  • Jovaunte Stephens of Atlanta, GA is scheduled for a probation hearing tomorrow. He insists he didn’t do shit wrong. Did he?
  • Where is Tupac? Seriously.

Check it out here and ENJOY!

Source

Is this my life…? Really?!?!?

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I can’t even believe I’m typing this sentence because I can’t believe it’s happening… but I am going to be a guest on the Ellen DeGeneres show next month! HOORAY!!! I’m not sure anyone really understands what that means to me. But it’s just the validation I needed. And right on time.

In addition to just plain being my favorite, she is THE icon for female comics of my generation as far as I’m concerned. So genuine and smart, so original… and she knows who *I* am. That blows my mind. I was contacted by her show after Ellen saw me on Last Comic Standing. “Ellen is such a fan. She was so upset you didn’t advance to the next round.” That was an exact quote! I’m going out to tape in about a month. More info to come later for sure. I’m so gassed. Gotta go write some jokes!

–Me