What do you mean you don’t have any more washcloths a.k.a. The worst hotel ever

I knew it was going to be bad when the key to the room was a key…

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with the room number engraved right on it.

key

Convenient if you happen to forget which room you’re in, but not so convenient, as the hilarious Matt Kirshen pointed out, should you forget your key at the bar…

I was at an event where the host hotel billed itself as a “resort.” I beg to differ. $178 a nite for a hotel right out of 1960 and a room with no window, no thermostat, and no bath linens.

Where should I start?… How about the 4:15 check in time. Yes, you read right. I got there a little after 1 p.m. and figured at most I’d have to wait until 2 to check in. Nope 4 p.m. There were tons of other people waiting in the lobby too. I went back to my car and waited.

Then when I finally did get into the [tiny ass] room, it was FREEZING. I immediately started looking for the thermostat, but when I couldn’t find it after a few minutes I called down to the front desk for some help.”Are you in the big room or the small room?” the lady asked me. To which I replied, “I can’t imagine this is the big room, so I’m pretty sure I’m in the small one. It’s freezing in here.” She then went on to explain that the thermostat was controlled by the guests in the larger room attached to mine.

“So we have to agree on whether we’re hot or cold?”

“Well, yes ma’am. But there should be an extra blanket in the armoire.” Continue reading →

LOL, wigs, and another reason why my mom is awesome

I love my mom.

In addition to being the greatest mommy I’ve ever had, she is the comedic gift that keeps on giving. Today’s maternal hilarity comes courtesy of the charitable organization Locks of Love. If you’re not familiar with the organization they take donations of hair (10 inches minimum) in order to make wigs for people who are suffering from long term medical hair loss as a result of conditions such as alopecia and cancer.

My mom learned about L.O.L. on TV and decided that she wanted donate her hair. She’s been growing it for over a year. She talks all the time about the temptation to cut it because she likes her hair shorter, but she hasn’t done it because she was committed to growing her hair long enough for the donation.

All good so far, right?

Well, as my mom’s hair is pretty long now, she decided to check out the website for the submission guidelines — exactly how you collect the hair and send it in… and she learned that L.O.L. is only for children 18 and under.

Well, what’s the problem with that, Erin?

Glad you asked. Let’s see if you can figure it out for yourself. Below is a photo of me and my mom:

Me and my favorite girl

Me and my favorite girl

Continue reading →

OK so maybe I’m a LITTLE obsessed with the Snuggie…

OK, so I was in my favorite store (CVS) tonite — as I am most nights — and as I was looking for some mailing labels, I came across Snuggies for sale on the value aisle…

I'm not a tattle-tale, but...

I'm not a tattle-tale, but...

Now, I was under the impression that Snuggies weren’t available in retail stores — that they could only be ordered through their official website. But apparently I was wrong. That or CVS is bootlegging Snuggies, in which case I apologize profusely for this post — I’m not trying to get you caught out there C-to-the-V…

All my friends know how much I love CVS. I’m always letting them know about the deals I find — trying to convert the non-believers. Please see the text convo between me and my girl Sandi:

—— SMS Text ——
To: 617*******

Omg, they sell snuggies at cvs. I just bought one. 14.99 now I’m ready for the pub crawl… Hooray!!!

—— SMS Text ——
From: 617*******
Sent: Mar 16, 2009 6:15 PM

Haha. Cvs really does have EVERYTHING!

—— SMS Text ——
To: 617*******

I been trying to TELL you…

—— SMS Text ——
From: 617*******
Sent: Mar 16, 2009 6:17 PM

I’ll never doubt you again.

Anyway, as you know I already have a custom NFL fleece Snuggie, made for me by my girl DWJ…

My Eagles Snuggie!

My Eagles Snuggie!

But I couldn’t pass up the chance to pick up the authentic Snuggie. Because I really want to attend the Snuggie Pub Crawl in DC and I’m not sure if you can do it without an official Snuggie… I’m getting a little discouraged though because I’ve still yet to be notified when the DC Snuggie Pub Crawl is taking place. I joined the mailing list, but we’re almost out of Snuggie weather so I’m wondering if they’re gonna nix some of the cities.

And yes, I’m so serious. First, they’re donating proceeds from the event to charity (or at least they better be!!!) And second… do you know how HILARIOUS that would be?!? I would do a two-camera shoot and recruit a crew of correspondents and hit the streets. Talk about a video blog that writes itself. Drunken Snuggie Monks roaming the Cap City. Man oh man… I really hope I get the chance.

I couldn't resist... $14.99 <i>AND</i> the book light. CAMMAN!

I couldn't resist... $14.99 AND the book light. CAMMAN!

Anyway, that’s me in my new Snuggie. Don’t be a hater. You know who you are ;) Holler.

Tina Turner blessed me with Holy Water in a greenhouse

Comedy at a crab picking? … Check.

Comedy in a synagogue? … Check.

Guess I can cross Comedy in a greenhouse off my bucket list too!

Exhale… I love my job.

Greenstreet Gardens Center, Lothian, MD

Greenstreet Gardens Center, Lothian, MD

I did a private show last nite just outside Washington at a garden center called Greenstreet Gardens. It’s a straight shot – maybe 30 minutes – from my house but it almost seemed like a different world. Driving up from the street all I saw was the huge greenhouse in the back. But they also have a super-cute gift shop in the front — I would totally go back and patronize them. I bought a soy candle with a cranberry scent… It’s heavenly. I’m burning it right now. YUM! But anyway back to the story — the staff was having a Ladies Night appreciation event for their customers and so they had it catered with good food and wine and I was the entertainment.

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Nice digs!

They rented a stage and a curtain and a sound system for me  and put it in the greenhouse. Awwww…

caption.

The "What's in your purse?" scorecard.

And what would any ladies nite be without the “What’s in your purse?” game… Any woman reading this post has probably played this game at a shower of some sort… If you’re not familiar, here’s how it goes: The host will pass out a sheet with a list of items ranging from “normal” (lipstick, powder) to “no freakin’ way” (pliers, a screwdriver) and there’s a point value associated with every item. And basically the person with the most items on the list in their purse wins a prize.

Well this game was going along just like any other I’d participated in. There was a prize for the winner of each item category and a grand prize winner as well. But then there was a twist at the end. The host for the evening asked which guest thought she had the most outrageous item in her purse and said there would be a prize for the winner. And I was thinking: How do you judge that? There’s no point system for that… Continue reading →

I’mma be on TV, Jazmine Sullivan, and is this shirt the devil?

Sorry in advance for the epic. Eat some now, save some for later…

So, I went up to NY yesterday for what I guess you would call a ‘commercial shoot.’ It was a project for TBS where instead of having their corporate advertisers run 30-second commercials, they ask comics to write bits around the products and perform them in comedy club settings. I guess it’s a more subliminal type of advertising and the spots air primarily during the weeknight comedy block. Not sure if I did a good job of explaining this, so here’s one that cutie patootie Jeff Dye did last go-round:

That make sense? So our companies were Pop Tarts, Cici’s Pizza and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. It was a challenge to write jokes that portray all these products in a completely positive light because my instinct as a comic is to poke fun at things, point out what’s bad or dumb about them…  Strangely, that doesn’t seem to work when you’re writing ads for a product. Imagine that. ;)

We shot in Brooklyn and I headed right back to DC as soon as I wrapped the shoot. I hate driving on bridges but in order to get home I had to drive the Verrazano and the Goethals. I was OK on the Verrazano…

Verrazano... I'm doin' OK

Wide lanes, I didn't feel constricted...

But that damn Goethals Bridge… OMG!!! It was smooth sailing leaving Brooklyn and all the way down the Jersey Pike, but as I’m merging onto 95 South after crossing the Delaware Memorial I hear a loud CRACK! I can tell whatever it was happened to my car, but I had no idea what it was. As I slowed down I heard a crunching sound and thought that I had run over a bottle or something. But my tires seemed to be OK… I had to cross 4 lanes of traffic to get to the shoulder and when I finally parked the car and turned around I realized that my rear driver’s side window was completely blown out. That crunching sound was the glass falling out onto the highway. Continue reading →

Praise Jesus, I’ve been …healed?

OK, so I stole this from the Best Week Ever blog… I’m not sure it’s legal to just pilfer an entire post. I hope they don’t sue me. But this had to be posted in its entirety because I don’t want you all to NOT click the link and miss out ;)

OK, here goes:

via Best Week Ever by Dan Hopper on 2/4/09

A friend of mine sent me this link to the Passion For Christ Movement, which appears to be either a Los Angeles-based youth-targeting religious organization, or makers of the funniest t-shirts I have ever seen (likely both):

masturbator

Yes, for your information, I’m buying one of these for myself immediately, and it’s not completely ironic, it’s also somewhat true — I have masturbated in the past and am not currently masturbating this very second, and I would like people around me to know this. After the jump, two even worse shirts from the Ex-series: This one make a perfect gift for your friends who had sex in the past but now no longer have sex:

fornicator1

Or, if you prefer to forego the ironic t-shirt route and just want to wear something attention-grabbing and terrible, you can always go with the cult classic:

ex20homosexual

Ummm… This can’t be real.

I heart the BWE folks for putting this out there. I heart DWJ for e-mailing me about it. And if this is a joke, I want to marry the people who are behind it. All of them. For real, I’m talking “Big Love” style.

Out.

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