I remember that time you asked me out on a date and after I’d been waiting for you for 20 minutes, you called and told me you were having car trouble but would be there soon, but after an hour, still never showed up or called to apologize or reached out to me at all until today.
You need what, now? And how many ways can I not help you?
I haven’t been on a real date in over a year, but I’ve finally decided how I’d like to be proposed to…
Earlier today I posted my proposal fantasy on Facebook. And since I’m sure that you and all my potential suitors are curious, here goes: OK, so it’d be during a game of Words with Friends with my hypothetical boo. He’d keep swapping tiles for some reason, when I knew he had to have the Q and the Z cause I didn’t. And he’d use his tiles to spell words like “husband,” “wife,” and “bedding” because he used his “w” to spell wife and it’s close enough to wedding for me to get the idea… Yup. That’s my idea of perfect.
I ended my status update with: “That’s romance. Don’t nobody try and steal my ish!”
WELL… Not five minutes passed before an old HS acquaintance posted a comment with this story in it. Talk about raining on someone’s parade! She couldn’t have just kept this to herself? Sad Face.
While I was in Indianapolis, site of next weekend’s Super Bowl XLVI, I talked a lot on stage about football. Everyone reading knows how much I love the game and how hard I ride for my Eagles. I hope you’ll enjoy the clip, and if you’re a sports fan (male or female) and you’ve ever been involved in an intra-divisional romance — or worse — with a person who’s not a sports fan at all, I hope you’ll also identify. ;)
Here are a couple clips from my recent visit to The Bob and Tom Show. In this first one, I tell the crew about my worst date ever. You regular readers have undoubtedly heard about this one. It happened a while back, but I’ve only started talking about it on stage recently.
And in this clip, listen to us discuss the lack of racial equality within the ‘circus freak’ industry.
OK, I used to work in digital marketing… I understand contextual advertising, keywords, and cookies. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wanna throw my computer out the window when my Facebook account asks me if I would like to meet ‘other chubby singles.’
That’s it — no more blogging about bad dates. And also no more shopping at lanebryant.com.
Oooooooh, KRAZ E — sounds appealing! And for free, no less? Glad I opened it because this is my last day…
Get out of my life eHarmony.
So yeah… I told you all about my ‘experiment’ with eHarmony a few weeks ago… If you haven’t read that entry I highly recommend you do so. It’s sort of a companion piece to this one. They keep sending me matches even tho my 3 month subscription has been over. I never open the e-mails — if I had I would have seen how easy it is to stop the e-mails — but this one I had to open. Here’s what was on the inside:
So this website believes that I am highly compatible with a person who uses “Kraz E” as a moniker on a matching site? WORD? At first I thought maybe it was accurate because anyone who would do such a thing must also be a comedian… But then I started to get a little pissed — do they just start sending effed up matches to people who quit them? Are these just sour grape hate darts — the Internet dating site equivalent of a schoolyard dozens battle (“Yeah, well that’s why yo’ mama…”)
Fa real, eHeezy, you’d like to intoduce me to Kraz E? Well, I have no desire to learn more about this person. And certainly not NOW with an exclamation point (!) Booooo Friggin Booooo!
I do. I’ve never really been big on trying to sell myself to another person. I guess I’ve always thought, hey I’m pretty cool. If you agree, lets go bowling. That’s a good date in my book. I’m not picky I promise.
I’ve been on some really bad dates… And I’ve been on some decent ones, but overall I think I’m just over it. I’m tired and I don’t really have the energy to sift thru all the men out there to find the right one for me.
When I was in college, there was a local club promoter who used to pay me and a couple of my friends $20 a nite to pass out party flyers to promote his events. We wore matching t-shirts and would stand outside clubs and give out flyers to people that were leaving. We’d hand them out by the doors, put them on car windshields (yeah that was me ;) And for every person who came to his party and showed a pass with my code on it (they were marked) I would get $2. Great incentive for the ladies on the street team. It saved him time and advertising dollars, and even if 20 people showed up with my flyers he was only out like $60 total which was like a gold mine to me at the time.
I’ve been thinking recently that what I need is a street team for my personal life. Just pay a bunch of good-looking guys to do the work for me — wear Erin Jackson t-shirts, pass out flyers and tell other guys what a catch I am. On the front of the flyers there would be a (very flattering) photo of me in a (very) low-cut top, and on the back there would be a list of some of my best qualities, such as:
makes a mean lasagna and bakes cakes from scratch (this shows I’m domestic)
owns her own home (this shows I’m responsible)
drives a beat-up Corolla with only 3 hubcaps (this shows I’m not materialistic)
loves sports and Jack Daniel’s (this shows I’m cool)
has a huge music collection and will allow you to download from her iTunes (this shows I’m not selfish)
And I’d tell my boys… You see a nice car? Put a flyer on the windshield. Maybe it’s a man’s car, maybe it’s not. At this point, who can afford to be picky? I’m not sure what the incentive would be for street team members whose flyers return a successful date, but I’d make it worth their while. Maybe I’d go on a date with them. Who knows?
All I know is that I can’t do this alone.
Will you join my street team? I’m having an interest meeting next Friday.