Hey, Stu!

There have been a lot of changes in my life recently — the most important of which resulted in my recently becoming a landlord. Ugh. The idea of turning over my super-cute, immaculately (yes, immaculately) maintained home to someone I don’t know frightened the you-know-what out of me. It was a necessary move, and I did everything I could to prepare my place and accommodate my tenant during her move. But the fact remains that you never know what kind of situation you’re gonna end up with. I have friends who’ve had amazing renters that they hoped would never leave, and I have friends who ended up with horror-story tenants they wanted to evict immediately.

I’m not sure yet which type I’ve got. But I can say that I’ve already experienced things that make me appreciate the above scene from Coming to America in a completely new way. Perhaps this landlord is just frustrated and misunderstood. I mean, the mortgage and utility bills for the building are due the same time every month, Stu — regardless of when you decide to pay your rent. And now you gon’ try to sue me for personal injury?

Child, please. You lucky you didn’t get pushed down the stairs!

Pray for me y’all that this experience is a pleasant one, and that I don’t end up turning into this guy. But if I do, then please pray that the jokes are funny.

Friends don’t let friends wear jeggings

enabler

noun \i-n?-bl?r\

1 :one whoย encourages another to persist in self-destructive behavior by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.

Rather than use it in a sentence, I have opted instead to offer a visual explanation. Please check out this video clip and the photo below and meet me on the other side.

You see all those people cheering in the audience? Jersey Shore Ronnie sitting on somebody’s shoulders? And all the other artists giving Wayne dap? I’m talking especially to YOU — Khaled, Rick Ross… They have enabled this once-clever lyricist to the point where he now thinks everything he does is hot — including running around the stage bare bird-chested in leopard pajama jeans and Ronald McDonald shoes, singing R&B and pretending to play electric guitar.

Part of the problem is that once anyone gets super famous like Wayne, a “yes” bubble forms around them.

WAYNE: Yo, y’all think I should rock these jungle print footie pajamas to the MTV Awards?
THEM: If we say no, you still gon’ pay our rent?
WAYNE: No.
THEM: Then, yes.

Or maybe it’s just the drugs. I mean would a clean Wayne — even if surrounded by an army of “yes men” — do some of the things he does? I think if he actually has some people in his life that really care about him, they should call the folks over at A&E and get dude on an episode of “Intervention.” All they’d need to do is get him halfway sober and show him his VMA performance from Sunday night. The show would only need to last 4 minutes. Just get everybody in the room, turn on the DVR, put him in the limo to the rehab, roll credits. Cause I mean, really… What more is there to say?

Seeing Double

Two grown men dressed identically — I hope they’re either in a singing group, or I was hallucinating one of them. Do you see two different people? A friend suggested that perhaps they were playing a real-life version of one of those “spot the differences” games… Perhaps, but whatever the reason, I think we can all agree they’re a little too old for this. Remember back in the day when folks would coordinate their outfits for day trips to Six Flags?

Something tells me they do too.

#Losing

This past weekend, while on stage, the other comic I was working with got into it with an audience member and then asked her how old she was. She answered, and then his reply was, “I have underwear older than you.” Huh? I’ve had older folks say that very same thing to me and I’ve never understood how it demonstrates superiority. The fact that you wear 33 year-old drawls (yes, drawls) demonstrates nothing except for the fact that you’re nasty as all hell.

So… note to older folks everywhere: If you’re having a debate or an argument and the best comeback you can muster is the age of your underwear, you lose.

Source

Bad Dates and Bearded Ladies

Here are a couple clips from my recent visit to The Bob and Tom Show. In this first one, I tell the crew about my worst date ever. You regular readers have undoubtedly heard about this one. It happened a while back, but I’ve only started talking about it on stage recently.

And in this clip, listen to us discuss the lack of racial equality within the ‘circus freak’ industry.

No seriously, what are you wearing?

Someone needs to make a way for BETโ€™s Dr. Bobby Jones and Vogueโ€™s Andre Leon Talley to co-star in their own reality TV show. STAT! Seriously, itโ€™s the most interesting thing thatโ€™s not on TVโ€ฆ They could call it: โ€œNigga What Are You WEARING? No Nigga, What Are YOU Wearing?โ€

Not sure who one or both of these folks is/are? Please refer to Exhibits A-D below:

Case rested.