The nerve of some ni**as

Of course I remember you!

I remember that time you asked me out on a date and after I’d been waiting for you for 20 minutes, you called and told me you were having car trouble but would be there soon, but after an hour, still never showed up or called to apologize or reached out to me at all until today.

You need what, now? And how many ways can I not help you?

#ElementarySchool #GoThatWay

Stood-up stand-up

I got stood up on a date last nite.

Like “sitcom” stood up. Like “waiting at an empty bar, ‘No, bartender I’ll wait until my date gets here,’ checking for texts and voicemails in between games of cell-phone Solitaire” stood up.


I was working out of town over the weekend, and I was exhausted, but I woke up early yesterday to drive home so I could wash my hair and take a nap before this date. I put on makeup for this date. And heels. I missed Letterman on “Oprah’s Next Chapter” for this date. If not for wasting my time and messing with my sleep schedule, I’m at least owed an apology for that, right?

I met the stander-upper after one of my shows. He referenced my bit (below) about the guy who peed in front of me on a first date and then asked me out.

“I can’t do any worse than that, right?” he said.