Uncategorized | Erin Jackson | Stand-Up Comedian

Analogies and exes… and I still don’t have my phone

Getting relationship advice from someone you used to date is like taking self defense classes from a man who used to beat you.

Yes it is. It’s just like that.

I was recently in a situation where I really liked a boy, but things didn’t work out quite the way I’d hoped. I was talking to an ex about it this afternoon and he gave me the old, “Well, you deserve to have someone who really wants to be with you and recognizes how special you are. You’re such a good catch… and don’t ever settle…” Blah blah blah.

And it took everything I had in me not to fire back with, “Someone who really wants to be with me, huh?… And recognizes how special I am?… Kinda like you did?”

I think we all have those platitudes we dole out to our friends to help them cope with difficult situations…

You’re too good for him/her

It’s his/her loss

He/she will realize what a big mistake they made… Watch

But most, if not all of it, is crap. Most times when relationships end it’s because one person just couldn’t see making a long term commitment to the other. Bottom line. And the last thing you want to hear at a time like that is the last person who made you feel like crap telling you what you need to do to find happiness. To complete my earlier analogy, it’s like sparring with the former abuser and having him tell you that all you ever needed was to learn how to duck.

“If you’d have learned to duck when we were together, I wouldn’t have given you so many black eyes. Now keep those elbows close to your body and open up that stance. We can’t have you getting hurt again…”

I know it may be a stretch, but I’m a fan of analogies nonetheless. I got it honest. If you knew my Pop you’d understand ;) All this to say, that I appreciate the effort, hon but considering the source — your pep talk was not the business.

It’s been 10-and-a-half hours since I lost my Blackberry.

Less Miserable

So I had a pretty blah day yesterday. You know, one of those days where you get things done, but you’re totally going thru the motions… Throughout the afternoon I was seriously considering not even going to the thee-a-tah. All I wanted to do was curl up on my sofa and fall asleep reading my latest David Sedaris discovery. But then I thought about how my new bud Sara, who I met at the Drag Races and works at Signature Theatre, was sweet enough to offer me theatre tickets and I quickly dismissed the thought. Plus, what better cure is there for a blah day than to get all dressed up and go see a play whose very name suggests that it will help you to feel less miserable.

Um yeah… Not so much. The play was great! I especially loved the actors who played Eponine, Cosette and Marius — but let’s just say the plot isn’t exactly a pick-me-up ;) I’d never seen Les Mis before. I was familiar with all the musical numbers because I had a roommate who used to played the soundtrack incessantly, but there’s nothing like live theater. I’ve always enjoyed it, yet I can’t remember the last time I went to a show. I’m thinking it had to be like 5 maybe even 6 years ago I saw an off Broadway show called ‘Crowns’… I missed the entire Broadway run of Legally Blonde: The Musical, and my good friend — the fabulous Amber Efe — was in that show for a year and a half. I know, I’m awful. Anyway, if you wanna see Les Mis, and you’re in or around DC, check out the show at Signature — it was great and I believe there are still some tickets available.

But if you want to feel less mis, you may wanna try a little David Sedaris ;)

Running into — OK from — my ex

It’s never fun when you run into an ex.’Cause they inevitably catch you on a bad day… And even if you look good, you never look good enough. I was on a train today and sat down right next to — I mean literally knees touching and everything — a man I was seriously involved with about 6 years ago. Didn’t see him when I got on the train and hadn’t seen him since the last time I kicked him out of the house. And wow was it awkward.

I was lucky — I actually looked half-way decent. But when he tapped me on my shoulder I literally stopped breathing for a bit. Apparently we’ve been riding the same train at the same time every day for years, but we’ve never run into each other before.

Our conversation was really superficial:

Me: “So… what stop do you get off at?” (Translation — How much longer are you going to be on this damn train?)

He: “Me? Oh, just two more stops to McPherson Square.” (Translation — Yeah I’m counting too.)

Me: Oh… Cool.

I found myself digging around in my bag for stuff that wasn’t there. Trying to figure out if I snuck and turned my head and put on some lip gloss would it be too obvious…

Of course it would, Erin. He’s already been looking in your face for 5 minutes. He will notice the hot pink gloss.

Damn. You’re right, self.

Exhale. No matter how curious you are about what the other person has been up to, or how good/bad the split was, running into an ex is never pleasant. It’s like [insert super-appropriate analogy]. I’m hoping I don’t run into him again. But please believe that I’m gonna step my Metro fashion game up.

Just in case ;)

Free show TONITE at the Baltimore Comedy Factory

Tonite I’ll be part of a very cool (and very FREE) show at The Comedy Factory in Baltimore.

NBC, in conjunction with their Stand-up for Diversity Initiative, is hosting a showcase of some of the best comics in the area tonite (Oct. 13) at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. It’s the semifinal round of their annual contest and the grand prize is a biggie!!! THE SHOW IS FREE, so come out tonite at 8 pm to see some of the hottest comics from MD, DC, Philly, etc.Â We need behinds in the seats plus it’ll be a great show — hahaha… and even if it weren’t gonna be a great show, what are you gonna do? Ask for your money back ;)

I participated in this competition last year and made it to this same ‘semfinal’ round in NYC but didn’t advance to the finals. So I’m crossing my fingers I’ll do better this year ;)

Hope to see some of y’all out tonite!!! Here are the deets:

Comedy Factory
36 Light Street
Baltimore, MD
410-547-7798
www.baltimorecomedy.com

SHOWTIME: 8 p.m.

Moviefone on my Blackberry a.k.a. where are the letters?

So… overall I’ve adjusted well to my new-ish Blackberry. As a person who was previously gadget-averse, I have come to appreciate most of the bells and whistles that come along with my Blackberry Curve. But today I was confronted with a problem for which there was no solution (that I could see). All you hi-tech folks, let me know if there’s a way to do this… There HAS to be…

I was riding in my car today on my way to see Tropic Thunder and I needed to call Moviefone to verify the start time of the show and when it came time to enter ‘THE NAME OF THE MOVIE YOU WANT TO SEE” I couldn’t do it because there are no letters on the numeric part of the keypad. I’ve been using phones for probably 27 years or so, but I was paralyzed without the letters. Is Blackberry trying to tell me that I should have memorized this by now? Is there a function that allows me to see the equivalent letters? Or is this the worst design flaw in the history of cell phones? I know that I’m gonna probably feel like an idiot once someone shows me how this works, but I can also imagine calling an office and trying to spell someone’s last name would be kind of challenging, unless of course that person’s last name was ABC.

But I don’t think that’s a very common surname.

HELP!!!

And yes, I’m aware that I’m turning this blog into a support forum, but it’s all I got!

Oh my damn…

And I quote:

Fla. man dials 911, complains his sub had no sauce

2 days ago

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) â€” The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.

Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren’t arriving fast enough.

Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police.

When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.

Peterson did not have a listed phone number.

Source

Haha… I saw this at Crunk & Disorderly and it reminded me of this gem.

You’re welcome.

Daniel Craig: Devastatingly Handsome(?)

I recently saw our newest Bond described that way in some magazine — (People or GQ maybe?).

And I totally agree with the sentiment. I think Daniel Craig is a hottie — although it took me a while to be sure. In my opinion, his features are such that he’s right on the line between super duper gorgeous and just plain old ‘interesting looking’ — if that makes any sense. In “Munich” I was like ‘eh’ but as 007 “somebody please hand me a funeral home church fan cause it’s getting hot in here”

But devastatingly handsome…?

I think that’s a bit much. Ladies, when is the last time you saw a man so fine you were devastated? I’m gonna go ahead and guess ‘never’. I mean, I’ve known a lot of good-looking men in my day. But not one of them has ever knocked my power out or caused a flood or a famine.

I did date a guy once who made me wanna stop eating while we were together, but it wasn’t devastation. Just the Atkins diet.

I think we get a little excited with our adjectives in this country is all I’m saying…

Out.

Damn, I don’t know this song either

So I wasn’t working this past weekend and got a chance to be “normal” ;) and hang with some of my friends. Hooray! On Friday nite, me and my friend Kellz went out to a club. I put on a dress and heels and we got to the club before it was real packed and set up shop on the first floor by the bar.

Perfect.

The music was great. They were playing a lot of old school hip hop and R&B, some Chaka — a little Tribe. We were having a great time. We even spotted an S-Curl and I made Kellz pretend I was taking a picture of her so old boy wouldn’t know we were clowning him…

Big fun.

After about an hour, we went upstairs to the second level. And as we were standing on the outskirts of the dance floor watching folks get their dance on, I slowly began to realize that I didn’t know any of the music the DJ was playing. You know that “Awwwwww, s—! That’s my joint / Woooooo!” sound that happens right after the DJ plays the first few notes of a club banger??? Well I heard it repeatedly. I saw the hands go up in the air. But I didn’t recognize any of the songs.

How the hell did this happen?

I consciously stopped listening to urban contemporary radio stations several years ago — not because I don’t like hip hop — but because I *do.* And what passes for hip hop and R&B on the radio these days sickens me. I prefer to read reviews and forums, find artists that I like and buy/download their music myself. But even so, the ignorance that floods the airwaves has always found a way to somehow seep into my consciousness. Thru commercials or MTV or something… Last Friday however, I literally knew none of the songs that were played in like a 20-minute period.

What are you supposed to do in a situation like that? Should you just throw your hands up in the air when everyone else does and pretend like you like the raggedy-ass ‘music’ that’s playing (as one friend suggested)? Or do you just acknowledge the fact that you’re over it and look for a comfy seat?

I opted for option #2.

Overall I enjoyed myself that nite but I spent the last half hour we were there texting a friend of mine who was being equally lame at another club.

My how times change… Continue reading →