Analogies and exes… and I still don’t have my phone

Getting relationship advice from someone you used to date is like taking self defense classes from a man who used to beat you.

Yes it is. It’s just like that.

I was recently in a situation where I really liked a boy, but things didn’t work out quite the way I’d hoped. I was talking to an ex about it this afternoon and he gave me the old, “Well, you deserve to have someone who really wants to be with you and recognizes how special you are. You’re such a good catch… and don’t ever settle…” Blah blah blah.

And it took everything I had in me not to fire back with, “Someone who really wants to be with me, huh?… And recognizes how special I am?… Kinda like you did?”

I think we all have those platitudes we dole out to our friends to help them cope with difficult situations…

You’re too good for him/her

It’s his/her loss

He/she will realize what a big mistake they made… Watch

But most, if not all of it, is crap. Most times when relationships end it’s because one person just couldn’t see making a long term commitment to the other. Bottom line. And the last thing you want to hear at a time like that is the last person who made you feel like crap telling you what you need to do to find happiness. To complete my earlier analogy, it’s like sparring with the former abuser and having him tell you that all you ever needed was to learn how to duck.

“If you’d have learned to duck when we were together, I wouldn’t have given you so many black eyes. Now keep those elbows close to your body and open up that stance. We can’t have you getting hurt again…”

I know it may be a stretch, but I’m a fan of analogies nonetheless. I got it honest. If you knew my Pop you’d understand ;) All this to say, that I appreciate the effort, hon but considering the source — your pep talk was not the business.

It’s been 10-and-a-half hours since I lost my Blackberry.

Running into — OK from — my ex

It’s never fun when you run into an ex.’Cause they inevitably catch you on a bad day… And even if you look good, you never look good enough. I was on a train today and sat down right next to — I mean literally knees touching and everything — a man I was seriously involved with about 6 years ago. Didn’t see him when I got on the train and hadn’t seen him since the last time I kicked him out of the house. And wow was it awkward.

I was lucky — I actually looked half-way decent. But when he tapped me on my shoulder I literally stopped breathing for a bit. Apparently we’ve been riding the same train at the same time every day for years, but we’ve never run into each other before.

Our conversation was really superficial:

Me: “So… what stop do you get off at?” (Translation — How much longer are you going to be on this damn train?)

He: “Me? Oh, just two more stops to McPherson Square.” (Translation — Yeah I’m counting too.)

Me: Oh… Cool.

I found myself digging around in my bag for stuff that wasn’t there. Trying to figure out if I snuck and turned my head and put on some lip gloss would it be too obvious…

Of course it would, Erin. He’s already been looking in your face for 5 minutes. He will notice the hot pink gloss.

Damn. You’re right, self.

Exhale. No matter how curious you are about what the other person has been up to, or how good/bad the split was, running into an ex is never pleasant. It’s like [insert super-appropriate analogy]. I’m hoping I don’t run into him again. But please believe that I’m gonna step my Metro fashion game up.

Just in case ;)