you’re a grown ass man

Alright, so lets recap.

1. Dude didn’t want to take my “ass all the way back home”
2. Dude didn’t pay for my meal and asked me for extra money to pay his
3. I saw dude’s penis on the first date – and I don’t mean that in a good way (shout to Dom Irrera – because he always reads my blogs)

So for whatever reason, even after Pee-Gate I decided not to take a cab home. Maybe I was in shock. Maybe it was the comic in me… My boy Bryson said that probably I just needed to see it all the way through just to make sure it was really happening.

I get in the car with dude and I scoot as far away from him as physically possible. And the whole time, I’m sniffing for pee pee. Seriously. I was like, I think I can smell it. Why was I trying so hard? I cannot answer that. Now if you know me, you know I was throwing this brother shade all nite. Big eyes, snarky comments… but dude was either completely unable to read overt social cues and body language… or I was on a prank dating show and have yet to be notified. Really, my boy Dawan is on BET’s Hell Date. I was seriously like alright D… very funny… Now where’s the dancing midget?

Exhale… So we pull up in front of my place and he puts the car in park and he’s like I really like you. I like your style. I know you said you’re going out of town this week and I’m working such and such nite, so I guess we’ll just get together next Sunday…

WORD?

So then he’s like “Alright Erin really… no matter how hard you beg, I’m not coming up. Not on the first date. It’s too soon.”

Blank stare back at him.

He interpreted the blank stare as my not getting his ‘joke’. So he kept going. “You really need to learn some self control and stop being so aggressive.” So I said, “Yeah, I’m gonna go upstairs and pray about it.” So I open the door to get out and he’s like, “Wait, I think I should walk you to your door. I mean this IS southeast.”

Double WORD?

Needless to say I laughed, got out of the car and slammed the car door. I then went in the house and called my parents to tell them they should give up hope of ever having grandchildren. Because I quit. Cause if anything like this ever happens to me again, I might just snap. I was like hey, if you put away money for their college or to help with a wedding for me, do yourselves a favor and liquidate it. You’re old. Buy yourselves something nice.

So that’s it. That’s the whole story. Not nearly as eventful as the beginning, but just as redunkulous.

‘Til next time.

OK, here’s what went down… And I warn you, this is going to make you want to cry…

EJ meets dude. Dude asks EJ out to dinner and she accepts because dude seems pretty normal. Dude tells EJ he wants to take her to a restaurant out in a ritzy town in Maryland. EJ thinks, well there are a lot of great places to eat in the city and that’s pretty far from where I live, but hey, it’s your date. I’m down for whatever… Now EJ is tired of writing in the third person. Less than a minute after I get in dude’s car, dude is like, I forgot that you lived so far out. Do you mind if we don’t go to the place I suggested? And I was like no, not at all. Then he says, “Good cause I don’t really feel like driving way out there and then bringing your ass all the way back home. I mean this is just a first date.” Ass all the way back home. Verbatim. I promise. It’s permanently etched in my memory. Now, at this point I thought about just opening the car door, tucking my head and taking my chances rolling down the street. That I didn’t do that would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my dating life so far. Yes, bigger than the time my clumsy behind wore my favorite white blouse on a date at Maggiano’s and ordered the lasagna.

Big.

So we decide to go to Capitol hill and eat — thats about 2 miles from my house. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and here is the summary of what went down while we were there. We eat. He orders two drinks. I’m cool with just a ginger ale. He does not pay for my meal. Then once I pay for my half and leave my tip, he puts down $20 and then asks me if i have any more small bills b/c he doesn’t want to break his other 20. “Once you break it, it’s gone,” he said… Really, dude? I told him to ask the waitress to change his damn 20.

THEN, and this is the topper — we leave the restaurant and he says “This always happens to me when i drink rum” And I’m like whats wrong? He’s like, “It makes me have to pee.” So I was like alright, let’s go back to the restaurant, we’re only like half a block away… And he says, “Oh no it’s cool.” So I think… ok, it’s cool, right? We keep walking and then I realize I’m walking by myself. He has STOPPED IN AN ALLEY, unzipped his pants and is peeing right there in the alley — in front of me ON A DATE.

I could not move. I was paralyzed.

I know what you’re thinking… Awful. Absolutely awful right?

And of course you’re right… It was awful. Nasty as all hell. But I do have to give him credit for one thing… When he caught up to me after his peepee break, he did make it a point to walk on the outside of the sidewalk to protect me from street traffic — because he is a gentleman.

I’d never prayed that a car would actually jump a curb before that nite…

There’s more, but I can’t bring myself to type it right now. Stay tuned for Part II.