In de face, Stonewall Jackson

The venue I was working at last nite in Harrisonburg, VA put me up in the Robert E. Lee room at the Stonewall Jackson Bed & Breakfast. And I didn’t have to make the beds OR breakfast. Cause I’m free.

In de face, Stonewall!

The folks there were great and the place was super cute (see pics above). So cute, in fact, that I was willing to forgive the irony of management putting two Black comics up at the Stonewall Jackson Inn during Black History Month… But seriously folks, the whole time I was at the B&B all I could think was: This is why we celebrate Black History Month — to honor the people who fought and died to make it possible for me to be able to stay there and NOT be a servant. Because, real talk: he and his family probably owned mine (Jackson: Jackson). Sidebar, I’m not entirely sure I even know why I included that photo of me pretending to be asleep. But I guess maybe if old Stonewall is looking up at this from wherever he is now, he’d get a kick out of me napping at his crib.
YES!!! In de face!

Faux, HELL No!

I’m in Poughkeepsie, NY. I went to a CVS this morning to look for a barrette, and I spotted this:

Faux hair. That’s an understatement. And there is nothing “hype” about it.

I laughed about this for most of the morning — texted the photo to friends, posted it on Facebook. But then it occurred to me that maybe in Poughkeepsie, NY CVS is where you buy weave (God I hope not)… And that made me sad.

I think we all know how I feel about CVS — I mean, I have a blog category dedicated to it — but some things are just wrong.

This is one of those things.

Top Shelf All-Star

I am a huge Top Chef nerd.

So this past week while I was in Philadelphia working at Helium Comedy Club (which was super fun by the way. Thanks to all of you who came out the the shows), I made it my mission to dine at Philly’s 10 Arts Bistro & Lounge by Eric Ripert where the fabulous and feisty Jennifer Carroll is the chef de cusine! I mean, wow! How could you not heart Jen, especially after this meltdown a few weeks ago on Top Chef All-Stars:

The restaurant is in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton Philadelphia and it’s beautiful.

I went for lunch. Because I’m poor. And they had a more affordable (albeit small) lunch lounge menu. I ordered a mini striped bass burger with fennel, oven-dried tomato and saffron aioli, their hand-cut fries and one of their signature cocktails. Sidebar, why is everything miniature in fancy restaurants? For their prices, they should be twice as big… Or maybe that’s just the puffy girl in me talking.

I had the Blackberry Manhattan — muddled fresh blackberries with Jim Beam Red Stag and Grand Marnier. It. was. amazing! Yummy to the tenth power. But no exaggeration, I was wasted after two sips. I love Red Stag but I knew if I finished that drink I’d probably still be drunk by showtime 4 hours later.

I love you Blackberry Manhattan. I will come back for you someday…

I had to take a photo of the drink menu so I could attempt to make it at home when I had a lighter schedule. But the former proofreader in me couldn’t help but notice all the typos. They spelled ‘Jim Beam’ wrong. They spelled ‘Captain Morgan Spiced Rum’ wrong. They spelled ‘Woodford Reserve’ wrong. At first I thought it was some high end find-the-spelling-errors-in-the-liquor game (and it may very well be). But then I realized they spelled ‘Ciroc vodka’ correctly. My friend Damo said that it was racial because they misspelled all the dark liquors and spelled the white liquor correctly.

I marvel at his ability to manufacture racist motivations where there don’t appear to be any. It’s truly an amazing skill.

For dessert I had the pumpkin bread pudding with spiced coconut ice cream. Yum and yummer! I don’t get to treat myself like this often, but I’m sure glad I did. I consider it my Christmas gift to myself! The only thing that could have made lunch better would be meeting Jen Carroll in person… Although she kinda scares me. ;)

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Finding Your Purpose

I was sitting on the floor by my gate in the Philadelphia airport this morning when I saw a sight that surely would have buckled my knees had I been standing. There was a lady wearing one of those super high (higher than the one pictured) orthopedic shoes you wear when one of your legs is shorter than the other on one of her feet. And on the other foot… was a Skechers Shape Up. Now, I’ve always thought they looked like orthopedic shoes, but to see one paired up with an actual shoe lift was just too much.

If the Skechers marketing team was smart, they’d ditch the “they help you become fit and toned doing everyday stuff and hey Joe Montana wears them too” angle and press forward with the “perfect if you’re in an aircast or have a little leg” angle. Whether they realize it or not, it’s what that ugly ass shoe was put on this earth to do.

It’s time for Skechers Shape Ups to step into their destiny.

I really don’t have a lot more to say about that, other than I wish you — and by “you” I mean “every single one of you” — could have been there to see it.

It was pink. Did I mention it was pink?

OK, then. Bye.

The best person I ever didn’t meet

So… I’m on an airplane the day before yesterday sitting about two rows in front of the exit row. And as we’re all getting settled the flight attendant walks up just behind me to give the standard ‘exit row disclaimer’ speech: “You all realize you are seated in an exit row… I need a verbal acknowledgment that you’re all physically capable and willing to assist other passengers in case of an emergency… Is everyone OK with that?” What followed were a bunch of “YES’s”

And one “NO.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Alright sir, so you’re physically unable to assist?

GUY: No.

I felt like I had just been sucker-punched in the sternum. I could not breathe. I was craning my neck and looking around to see if other people heard it or if I was just in the midst of the ultimate dream sequence… There was some shuffling and I guess he was moved a few rows back — I don’t know, I was too busy sneak-texting (what you do when you’re supposed to have turned your phone off already) my friend. There was someone seated next to me but I would have paid all the cash I had access to in order to sit next to that guy.

Some of you might think what he did was an asshole move. But I think it was honorable. I mean he could have lied and just sat there all comfy with his extra leg room and jumped out without regard for anyone else if/when the plane went down. OR, he could have lied and said that he was indeed physically incapable. But he chose honesty.

Not sure if when you get to The Pearly Gates honesty trumps opening an emergency exit and running for your life while 100 other people die in a plane crash — but it sure makes for good comedy. I wanted to know everything about that man. I wanted to buy him a beer and ask him about his childhood. I wanted to know where he was from, what he did for a living. Did he do it on a dare?

I wanted to propose to him.

‘Cause I mean, really if you’ve ever sat in an exit row — and you’re being 100% honest — you’ve questioned how enthusiastic you’d be about helping all the other passengers off the plane. You never verbalized it. You probably just sat there and thought “how likely is that to happen?” But secretly you thought damn, if I was just one row back or forward I wouldn’t have all this anxiety… No?… Just me? WHATEVER, with yo’ lying behind!!!

Anyway, I wanted to wait for him to get off the plane and ask him for his autograph, but I reconsidered after realizing he might not be that big of a “people person.” Plus, I can almost guarantee the story I’ve created in my mind about this guy is better than the reality.

Best. Flight. Ever. Exhale…

Source: original pearly gates artwork

When in Rome…

Well Nashville, actually.

I’m here in TN for a college show at Belmont University. It was big fun. Thanks so much for being awesome you guys! I’ve been to Nashville at least 3 or 4 times, but never had time in my schedule to see much of the city. So after the show, I asked the students to recommend a few places to check out… And so my journey began. How do you like my first cowboy hat?!? I think I may have enough footage/photos to put together a short video blog, so stay tuned… I promise there will be hilarity. And new vocabulary words…

You’re welcome in advance.

Niagara (it sounds way too much like that other word for my liking) Falls

Man what a weekend! On Friday nite I drove up to Syracuse, NY for what turned out to be the best college show I have EVER had EVER. It was a happy hour show. There was wine and food and everyone was over 21. Thanks so much SUNY Upstate Medical for being so awesome!

I woke up feeling so good on Saturday morning that I decided to get up and drive 2.5 hours further upstate to visit Niagara Falls. I had never been — well not that I remember, my mom says she took me when I was a baby — and I figured why not; I didn’t have anything else to do!

This used to be my favorite sign…

But now it’s this one.

When you go to a place like Niagara Falls by yourself, the photos you’re able to take with you in them are slightly less awesome than they would be if you had friends… It took me like 5 tries to get this angle right — thus the face.

Beautiful, huh?

Continue reading →

F the Police indeed…

So last nite I had to drive from DC to Orange County, New York to do a show at SUNY Orange. About 10 miles out from the hotel I got an e-mail that I needed to read. So I pulled over to the side of the road like Oprah told me to. I put my hazards on because it was a dark stretch but there were lots of trucks out so I wanted to make sure anyone who might need to pull off the highway could see me sitting there.

As I was reading a car pulled up behind me. Turns out it was a state trooper patrol car. But they never put on their red and blues, and they just started shining the flood light on me so I couldn’t see who/what they were. So being a single woman on a deserted highway and there being nothing to indicate they were police, I shifted the car into drive and get ready to pull off. I didn’t know if it was a trucker coming to kill me or what. But as I start to try to pull away, I hear someone banging on my passenger side door and I floor it. Still can’t see its a cop cuz I’m blinded and they haven’t said anything (don’t they have speakers in those cars?). But then the one in the car moved the flood light and I can now see there’s a cop standing outside my passenger side window with his gun drawn. He yells for me to roll down the window and then yells, “What are you doing? You could have run me over!” And I said, “Well I couldn’t see you because of the light and I’m by myself…” Showed him I was just reading an email while NOT driving — per the law. But the reality is: to him it looked like I was fleeing. To me it felt like I was being attacked… It could have all ended terribly. I know someone who lost their life to a cop in this very same way 10 years ago. Exhale.

When I got to my hotel I called the NY State police to complain. I watch enough TV to know that there had to be a lapse in protocol here. I mean, no lights… no identifying themselves as cops before they approached the car… The officer I spoke with on the phone gave me a lot of party line crap about how the officers are worried about their safety too and how their job is to assists motorists in trouble… Fine. I get all that. But they did nothing that would indicate they were law enforcement officers. She ASSURED me that I just didn’t see their siren lights. And I ASSURED HER BACK that she wasn’t f–ing there and that those lights were the first thing I looked for. Why would I want to unnecessarily be scared out of my mind?

Bottom line is this could all have been avoided if they had on their red and blues… I am beyond thankful it played out the way it did. But I do feel as if I’ve become a member of a new club — the “F” the police club. Like far too many people I know, I now know what if feels like to be looking at the ‘business end’ of a policeman’s gun. I was way too young to identify with this song when this song came out, but now I kinda do:

Pardon the language… but surprisingly there’s no radio edit available for “F*** Tha Police.”

Moving on… In honor of my new member status I was thinking maybe I should bring back my Jheri Curl…

Or at least buy some 40’s and learn how to play dominoes.

Have any of you ever had any really bad/scary encounters with the police? Exhale.