The best person I ever didn’t meet

So… I’m on an airplane the day before yesterday sitting about two rows in front of the exit row. And as we’re all getting settled the flight attendant walks up just behind me to give the standard ‘exit row disclaimer’ speech: “You all realize you are seated in an exit row… I need a verbal acknowledgment that you’re all physically capable and willing to assist other passengers in case of an emergency… Is everyone OK with that?” What followed were a bunch of “YES’s”

And one “NO.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Alright sir, so you’re physically unable to assist?

GUY: No.

I felt like I had just been sucker-punched in the sternum. I could not breathe. I was craning my neck and looking around to see if other people heard it or if I was just in the midst of the ultimate dream sequence… There was some shuffling and I guess he was moved a few rows back — I don’t know, I was too busy sneak-texting (what you do when you’re supposed to have turned your phone off already) my friend. There was someone seated next to me but I would have paid all the cash I had access to in order to sit next to that guy.

Some of you might think what he did was an asshole move. But I think it was honorable. I mean he could have lied and just sat there all comfy with his extra leg room and jumped out without regard for anyone else if/when the plane went down. OR, he could have lied and said that he was indeed physically incapable. But he chose honesty.

Not sure if when you get to The Pearly Gates honesty trumps opening an emergency exit and running for your life while 100 other people die in a plane crash — but it sure makes for good comedy. I wanted to know everything about that man. I wanted to buy him a beer and ask him about his childhood. I wanted to know where he was from, what he did for a living. Did he do it on a dare?

I wanted to propose to him.

‘Cause I mean, really if you’ve ever sat in an exit row — and you’re being 100% honest — you’ve questioned how enthusiastic you’d be about helping all the other passengers off the plane. You never verbalized it. You probably just sat there and thought “how likely is that to happen?” But secretly you thought damn, if I was just one row back or forward I wouldn’t have all this anxiety… No?… Just me? WHATEVER, with yo’ lying behind!!!

Anyway, I wanted to wait for him to get off the plane and ask him for his autograph, but I reconsidered after realizing he might not be that big of a “people person.” Plus, I can almost guarantee the story I’ve created in my mind about this guy is better than the reality.

Best. Flight. Ever. Exhale…

Source: original pearly gates artwork

Airplane Venom, Pt. III

This edition of airplane venom contains no actual venom from me, rather it chronicles the hate a fellow passenger directed at a smarty-pants flight attendant on an American Eagle puddle jumper from Chicago to Baltimore.


After back-to-back mechanical problems and more than 2 hours on the tarmac, my flight from O’Hare back to BWI had to unload and board another plane. I pretty much slept throughout the whole ordeal so I really wasn’t too upset. I didn’t have anything pressing to do yesterday afternoon, plus I’d much rather deplane because of mechanical difficulties, than have them surface during the flight.

Can I get an Amen?

When we finally got settled on the new plane, the flight attendant, Mo, got on the intercom and said the following:

“Due to the late departure, screwdrivers will be free on this flight.”

You should have seen the faces of my fellow alcoholics passengers light up. Eyes began to water as tray tables came down. Gleeful whispers filled the cabin.

“Are you serious?” someone behind me shouted out.

She responded by giggling to herself as she walked back up the aisle and shaking her head “No.”

Way to take the air of the pressurized cabin, MO!

I thought it was hilarious but there was another passenger behind me who was feeling very “not-so-much-y” — if you know what I mean. “Save the jokes for Southwest, bitch. I just missed a connection.”

I think I stopped breathing for a second. I immediately took out my notebook. I wanted to savor this perfect comedic moment so that I could share it with all of you ;) Don’t fret, the next AV installment will most certainly feature a return to my plane rage. But for now…

You’re welcome.