Get thee behind me and stayeth there

In a long airport security line and they open up another lane. The lady behind me grabs her son’s hand and runs to get in front of me.

ME: You have to be kidding. You were kidding, right?

LADY: Oh… yeah… you can go ahead of us.

ME: (big eyes)

As I often do when people tick me off, I wrote a collection of haiku about it. Wanna read it, here it go:

Get thee behind me
Jesus said that to Peter
Stay thine ass there too

Took you two minutes
To pull off your cowboy boots
And five dudes passed you

Haha serves you right
Musta thought I was a punk
I’m the opposite

My big fat Greek boobs — well not mine… per se

My friend Angi is a new mother who’s recently returned to work at her oh-so-fabuous job in the front office of an NFL franchise — which she CAN’T EVER QUIT, justin case she was thinking about it!!!! She was so fond of my evil popcorn haiku that she asked me to ghostwrite a haiku for her about breast pumping at work. Not exactly sure why… she’s just super random ;)


I have zero first-hand knowlege about breast pumping as I am myself, childless, but I’m willing to give it a go. I have a pretty good imagination. It’ll be kind of like I’m a rapper who grew up in the suburbs writing about how thugged out he is. Feel free to request a haiku of your own. Here goes ;)

Breast milk in the fridge

Everybody knows it’s mine

I feel like a cow


Pumping at my desk

Sorry you had to see that

You should learn to knock

How’d I do, Ang? You should print this out and put it up in your office next to your ‘Footprints’ plaque ;)