Underachieving eye

I always thought “lazy eye” was a colloquialism we laymen used to describe some hard-to-pronounce medical term. But here I am, filling out medical history paperwork at my new optho opthalma eye doctor’s office, and they’re asking me if anyone in my family has one.

Why do those sound like fighting words?

“Yo mama got a lazy eye?”

“What you say ’bout my mama?

Isn’t there a more scientific term for that condition — one that doesn’t conjure images of O-Dog or sound like the punchline of a “dozens” insult? And if there isn’t… Why isn’t there?

Furthermore, this label reeks of the “blame-the-victim” mentality so prevalent in today’s society. Labeling these eyes as “lazy” without first considering the external factors that may have contributed to their perceived sloth… I mean, give an eye a break. Maybe all they need is a little encouragement. I think Three 6 Mafia said it best — it’s hard out here for a(n) [eye].

You ain’t know?

Moving on, I’m getting new glasses for the first time in like 10 years. I began wearing them at age 2 and have been in contacts since 8th grade, but never really update my glasses because I only wear them in extreme emergencies. I’m soooo nearsighted (-12 in both eyes, plus a sizeable astigmatism, for those who know what that means) that my glasses, even with the thinnest lens material available, are way too thick for me to feel comfortable wearing them outside the house. But I picked these frames out today. What do ya think?

Mine are gonna be glare-free, scratch-free, and thrice as thick, but I’m pretty happy with my choice. My pupils are still a bit dilated so I’m gonna go home now and rest my eyes a bit a.k.a. take a nap. ‘Cause I don’t have amblyopia (thank you Google and Droid RAZR), but the rest of me is still a little bit lazy.

Dude, it’s not even my car

A lady left this note on my rental car the other day. It was an electric blue Sonata. I almost called her and asked her to make me an offer.

But seriously folks, who does this? I was wondering if she was inquiring as an individual… or did she work for one of those “we’ll buy your crappy old car or house” companies? Was she a fan of Hyundai’s in general, or did this herblistenous color just speak to her? And how often does this work for her? Funny you should ask… Yes, I would like to sell my sole means of transportation. Come on, lady! I was in LA parked in the deck at the Hollywood & Highland Center. Who doesn’t need a car in LA? And unless you’re a complete idiot, what you were going to pay me for it couldn’t buy me anything more than an older model of this very car. Someone needs to tell this lady that it doesn’t work this way. You either go to a used car lot, Carmax, etc. or you wait until you see a car with a “for-sale” sign in the windshield. Then you hit them with an offer.

I wonder if she tries to buy everything that way… Just walking around making people offers on stuff they’re already using.

“You interested in selling that outift?”
“Yo, can I cop the other half of your sandwich?”
“Give me a ring if you wanna sell your crib…”

Stop being lazy, and take yo’ behind to Macy’s/Subway/Remax.

I’m kinda curious how much I could have gotten out of her. I should have at least called. Maybe I still can…

Evil Advil

So it took me a while to figure it out, but apparently an Ibuprofen allergy is what’s responsible for my face looking like this. It’s something that developed over time — I’ve been taking Advil forever — so I didn’t immediately suspect it. But I finally put all the pieces together today. Every time my eyes swell I take photos so that I can show them to a doctor someday when I’m able to afford health insurance. Glad I didn’t have to wait that long…

It happens at the most inconvenient times. Earlier this month when I was headed up to NYC for a TV taping, the photo in the middle happened. Yeah, I had to be on camera that afternoon. It wasn’t pretty. Literally. At first I’d struggled to figure out what foods might have caused this reaction. And when I couldn’t find any commonalities, I’d written it off to stress. The pic on the left happened on the day my trifling ass “tenant” (quotations because actual tenants pay rent) “returned” these keys to me during the eviction process:

Why would that be stressful, EJ? That sounds like a good thing.

They were not my keys.

On the day of the second photo, I was also dealing with some drama about renting my condo and thought “Gosh, this whole being a landlord thing is really stressing me out.” I was kinda right. Because the situation spawned the headache that made me take the Advil.

But today I was stress free when I felt my face start to tingle about 30 minutes after taking something for a sinus headache. I finally put 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 (this happened once before in February when I threw my back out) together. I started Googling for Ibuprofen allergies and allergic reactions and I found my face! Well, not my face specifically but it was definitely my face. I felt like a super sleuth. I was more proud of myself for solving the case than I was glad I could prevent this from happening in the future.

As a reward for all my hard detective-ing (and to de-puff my eyes of course) I treated myself to a nice double dose of Benadryl and called it a day. At about 3pm. I’m just now waking up. And now I’m going back to sleep.

Not sure why I feel like you all needed to know all this, but I do. You’re welcome.

Getting the band back together

So the Pumps and Punchlines ladies (L-R: Erin Foley, Rachel Feinstein, Renee Gautier) and I had another show this past weekend in Englewood, NJ at the Bergen Performing Arts Center. Big fun. I heart these ladies! And it was nice to get to spend a few days working in Jerz and visiting friends. The past month has been filled with lady comedian love. First there was the Standup in Stilettos taping in LA — Rachel and Erin did the show too. Then there was the power-packed She Bang show at the Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin, TX:

Erin and Rachel (pretty sure they’re stalking me), Maria Bamford (like twice in a week!!!), Chelsea Peretti, Jackie Kashian Mary Lynn Rajskub… and hosted by Sean Patton, even though he’s a dude — it may have been the most fun show I’ve ever done. And now, not only did we get to bring the P&P tour to my home state, but we raised money for a fantastic cause!

This weekend’s show was a benefit for Gilda’s Club of Northern New Jersey — an organization that provides amazing, free support programs for people living with cancer and their families. We were all so pleased that so many people came out to support. I am SO looking forward to our next tour dates! Here’s the promo one of the venues for later this year is running. Come see us if we’re coming to your town!!!

Lady Comics Rock.

Screaming orgasms and standing ovations

I’ve always looked forward to the day when I leave a huge theatre stage to a standing ‘o’.” But last weekend in Kansas City, a lady in the front row remixed that fantasy and handed me this “Screaming O” cock ring during my act. Yup. In real life. People ask me why I tape all of my sets… This is the answer:

I heart my job.

Jeopardy

The Category: Things that should not be sold at Lane Bryant

The Question: What are leopard ‘skinny’ jeans?

Some things just shouldn’t exist in a size 28. I mean, I’m not really fond of leopard bottoms in any size. But this was an LB in Jersey (#AllLeopardEverything), so I understood. But just because you can make these jeans doesn’t mean you should. And just because you can fit them doesn’t mean you should buy them… Do you hear me, sistren? We know better. And when you know better, you do what, Oprah?

Thanks for the lesson, Maya.

Also, who are we fooling by calling these “skinny jeans?”

I’m puffy so I can say that.

The end.