Underachieving eye

I always thought “lazy eye” was a colloquialism we laymen used to describe some hard-to-pronounce medical term. But here I am, filling out medical history paperwork at my new optho opthalma eye doctor’s office, and they’re asking me if anyone in my family has one.

Why do those sound like fighting words?

“Yo mama got a lazy eye?”

“What you say ’bout my mama?

Isn’t there a more scientific term for that condition — one that doesn’t conjure images of O-Dog or sound like the punchline of a “dozens” insult? And if there isn’t… Why isn’t there?

Furthermore, this label reeks of the “blame-the-victim” mentality so prevalent in today’s society. Labeling these eyes as “lazy” without first considering the external factors that may have contributed to their perceived sloth… I mean, give an eye a break. Maybe all they need is a little encouragement. I think Three 6 Mafia said it best — it’s hard out here for a(n) [eye].

You ain’t know?

Moving on, I’m getting new glasses for the first time in like 10 years. I began wearing them at age 2 and have been in contacts since 8th grade, but never really update my glasses because I only wear them in extreme emergencies. I’m soooo nearsighted (-12 in both eyes, plus a sizeable astigmatism, for those who know what that means) that my glasses, even with the thinnest lens material available, are way too thick for me to feel comfortable wearing them outside the house. But I picked these frames out today. What do ya think?

Mine are gonna be glare-free, scratch-free, and thrice as thick, but I’m pretty happy with my choice. My pupils are still a bit dilated so I’m gonna go home now and rest my eyes a bit a.k.a. take a nap. ‘Cause I don’t have amblyopia (thank you Google and Droid RAZR), but the rest of me is still a little bit lazy.

Not unless they pick on me first…

I spoke with a lady yesterday who was looking to book me for a private event. She asked me tons of questions. Some she asked more than once. It was like that scene in “Menace to Society” when Bill Duke was trying to trip up Caine during the police interrogation…“You bought the bottle of beer at…” But the thing that really blew me was when she asked me if I “pick on Jews in my act?”

“Not unless they pick on me first.”

She didn’t think my response was funny. But I was truly offended and trying my best to make light of it. What, in any of the tape on my site, on Youtube, or in my press kit would cause her to ask if I was anti-semitic? Is there some great animus between 30-year old Black women and Jews that I’m just not plugged into? I grew up in Jersey. I heart Jewish people. They gave us bagels with cream cheese and lox, and Barbara Streisand and Jerry Seinfeld… and two days off of school in the fall for Lord knows what…

Maybe it’s the fact that stand-up is such a personal thing that I feel like someone’s opinion of my comedy is inextricably linked to their opinion of me as a person… but it pains me to have to ‘sell’ my act. For me, it’s like trying to convince someone that I’m a good person. And I don’t feel like I should have to do that for anyone. At all. Ever.

My attitude about booking private shows is always — watch all the clips on my site or in my media packet. If you like that, multiply it by 40 minutes and that’s what you’re gonna get. I dunno. I’m just venting. Probably something I need to learn to let slide.

Out.