RIP

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RIP to the greatest flat iron that ever was. Had I known we had such a short time left together, I’d have taken out those box braids sooner and spent more time with you this year. You were a faithful and responsible flat iron; you even shut yourself off when I forgot to. I knew I was putting you at risk, plugging you into that international adapter. So, when you began to smoke and pop and melt, I knew I had no one to blame but myself. How will I get through the rest of my life this trip without you?

A comic I met here in Tel Aviv found me a rebound iron. But it could never replace you. It won’t work back in the US and I can’t even figure out how to increase the temperature above the “low” setting. The directions are in Hebrew so my hair is still mad frizzy…

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Sigh.

I should have taken better care of you. You took such great care of me.

Shalom

Oh Ch-Ch-Chilly Jordan

A video posted by Erin Jackson (@ejthecomic) on

Today was our day off to tour and see some more of the country. Our driver and tour guide, Zev, started by giving us a brief, but really thorough overview of the formation of the state of Israel and the origins of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I knew the basics, but he really colored it in for us. Once we got on the road, we headed north towards the Sea of Galilee, where the Biblical story of Jesus walking on water takes place. Zev helped me climb down the rocky bank to sit at the water’s edge so I could take it all in for a moment. What an amazing moment to be in a place you’ve heard about since you were a little kid in Sunday School! The forecast called for heavy rain, and I was hoping all day yesterday it wouldn’t be too miserable to visit all the historical sites. It wound up being just the most perfect day. #WontHeDoIt

Next, we visited the The Church of the Multiplication of the Loaves and Fish, which was built on the site where Jesus is believed to have fed 5,000 followers with 5 loaves of bread and two fish. I have easily eaten 5 loaves of bread by myself since I got here. Pita, laffa… There’s delicious, irresistible bread at every turn. Clearly, Atkins has not yet made it to the Holy Land. Sadly, a pair of Jewish extremists set fire to the church this summer and painted graffiti on the walls so a portion of the church is boarded up. Such a disgrace, but they are rebuilding and it will be restored very soon.

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We also visited the Jordan River, where Jesus was baptized. I’ve seen that baptismal scene rendered thousands of times, and once I found out I could, I bought a baptismal gown from the gift shop and went down into the river. It was kinda freezing (“oh ch-ch-chilly Jordan,” indeed, Take 6) and there were tons of catfish swimming around my ankles. They could’ve been the great-great-great… grandchildren of the catfish who swam around Jesus’ ankles. Shut up. Yes, the could have.

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I was raised in the Baptist church, and though I’m not very religious as an adult, I believe in God and the teachings of the Bible. And I felt so connected to the sites we visited today. I am so grateful to be on this trip and I can’t wait to visit Jerusalem.

Talk soon.

The View

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Good morning!

I made it to Tel Aviv yesterday afternoon and we had our first show last night–hours after I landed–in a town called Be’er Sheva. Really fun crowd. I met so many New Jersey transplants; several were from my hometown! The show was in a small, black box theater that sat maybe 80. But tonight’s show is in a 500-seat theatre, which should be awesome. We’re staying in a really great hotel and I’m running on fumes, but I got up bright and early to enjoy the hotel’s legendary breakfast spread and do some sightseeing. I’m not gonna let a little thing like exhaustion keep me from being great. I took this awesome panoramic (this is my first ever panoramic) from the balcony of my hotel room. We’re right on the Mediterranean (left) and we saw surfers out yesterday. Definitely gonna go down closer to the beach today.

Desperately seeking caffeine,
EJ

Halloweening

I dressed up for Halloween this year for the first time since I was in kindergarten–well, the first time since this happened:

Pt. 2 of how I snuck #Halloween once. Thanx @michie3g!!! Looking out for me since the 80’s. #ShhhDontTellMyMama A video posted by Erin Jackson (@ejthecomic) on

When I was growing up my parents never let me go Halloweening because: Jesus, eternal damnation, etc. But this year, I went out with my best friend (that’s her in the video) to take my goddaughter trick-or-treating, and I decided I wanted a costume, too. I only had about two hours to put something together, so I did a quick search for ideas online and then headed out for supplies. I got some iron-on transferable letters from Michaels and a plain sweatshirt from Dick’s Sporting Goods. Here’s what I came up with. Can you guess what I was…?

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Yeah, no one else could either.

I was a ceiling fan. Get it? “Yaaaaay, Ceiling!” Shut up, it was my first time putting together a costume. I feel like if I could have found some pom-poms, it would have made more sense to people. But I’m willing to accept that I might be wrong. I had a blast trick-or-treating vicariously through my goddaughter. It was a beautiful day and most of the little kids’ costumes were too cute for words. Every girl over the age of 12 apparently went as a hooker, but #heytheynotmykidsso… Looking forward to more Halloweens in costume. Someone, have a party and invite me, please. Maybe next year I could be a church fan. Or anything other than that. I’ll just surprise you. Thanks in advance.

Solutions

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I may or may not have had a corn on my right pinky toe that required me to visit the foot care aisle of the Rite Aid next door to my building. And while I was in there I may or may not have taken this photo of a package of corn pads that advertised that they were designed to fit inside tight shoes. Tight shoes may or may not be the whole problem here.

#Solutions

Catfish bait

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So, you’re gonna blatantly use photos of Lenny Kravitz on your online dating profile? Alright, I’ll play along. I spent half the morning messaging this guy back. Even changed my dating profile pic to Lisa Bonet without explanation.

I hear that all the time? Are you serious, dude?!???

Or are you a comic too, posting on your blog about all the dumb women who fall for your fake profile? Cause if you seriously think you’re gonna find women in America (AMERICAN WOMAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD) who don’t recognize this sexy piece of caramel on first sight, you are supremely buggin’. This dude didn’t even remove the watermark from the website he stole one of the photos from. He had to be kidding, right? I talked about this on Facebook and a few friends asked, “what if it really is Lenny?” Which… whatever. Plus, I know that the real Lenny and I would be more than a 20% match; I have it on good authority that we are soul mates.

I have a girlfriend who was real-life “catfished” by a dude she thought she might really like, using photos of MLB star, Matt Kemp. Not being a sports fan, she had no idea until another friend broke the news to her. ‘Twas a sad day. You would think these dishonest losers could just find a hot guy who wasn’t an international superstar or professional athlete to pass themselves off as. Exhale. Idiots. I promised myself that I’d try the online dating thing again in 2015, but I’m admittedly only giving it half of a half-hearted effort. And thus far, my online dating adventures have been good for nothing but jokes. Maybe it gets better. Maybe it just gets funnier.

I hope you’ll stay tuned.

Good Old Girl Drinking Whiskey and Rye…

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In anticipation of the “Storm of the Century,” I went to Total Wine, a liquor store (warehouse, really) near my home I’d heard a lot about, but never visited. Because drinking alone under the covers isn’t sad if there’s a blizzard outside. Shut up, no it’s not.

The store was amazing! Every kind of wine, beer and liquor you could ask for at great prices! The whiskey and Bourbon aisle was like heaven. It’s officially my new happy place. I bought a bottle of the Elijah Craig small batch I tasted on the Evan Williams distillery tour I went on in Louisville earlier this month and a bottle of Builleit. I didn’t even get to really enjoy either before I realized the storm was a bust. Does the streets being clear mean drinking alone is sad again? Awesome, then I’ll get back to it. Below is the “Me In Your City” video I shot in Louisville. Bourbon and Bourbon distillery tours are my favorite. Check out the video when you have the chance!