aka Samurai X

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Auntie’s baby isn’t a baby anymore.

He’s a full fledged, karate-chopping little boy and I can hardly stand it. I was in Atlanta this weekend for a show and BFF Angi brought Roman by the hotel so I could spend a little time with him. It’s been about 6 months since I’ve seen him and he’s grown so much. I love that kid super hard, but I’mma sprinkle some of that Benjamin Button on him so we can reverse this whole growing up thing. I don’t like it one bit. I’m not that up on kids toys and games, but I guess I’m going to have to learn a little about Ninjago, as it seems like he’s ditched Angry Birds for it. He even gave me a Ninjago name — Samurai X. I’ll see him again in a couple of weeks, which gives me a little time to brush up on my ninja skills.

But in the meantime, enjoy Disney Roman! Auntie Erin loves you the most.

Bitchy resting face

I have this. And combined with the “big eyes…” Pretty sure it’s why I’m still single.

I’m a mostly nice person, and I’m funny. But if I’m not smiling, it’s all bad. I was telling a friend yesterday about how one time at a bar, a guy standing behind me tapped me on the shoulder to chat and I think to buy me a drink (which, like never ever happens anymore), and I turned around with my “I’m-interested-in-what-you-have-to-say-raised-eyebrow” look and his response was “Damn, bitch! Why you got a attitude?” It’s an attitude obviously, but it didn’t seem like the right time to correct his grammar.

Recording artists Jay Z and Beyonce watch from courtside during the first half of the NBA basketball game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Dallas Mavericks in Dallas ejsideeye

See, the main problem is that I lack the ability to raise my eyebrows without widening my eyes. I was born without the very crucial eyebrow isolation tendon-ligament. So my “yes, how can I help you?” looks exactly like my “the eff you want?”  I could give Beyonce a run for her money in a side-eye contest — and y’all know that’s tough to do. Plus I’m puffy and people always assume puffy, brown girls are mad. I’m so aware/self-conscious about it that during a production meeting before we started shooting “Exhale” I explained to my co-hosts, director and producer that I have absolutely no control over my face and not to think I was “judge-y” or had a attitude.

The one cool thing about the “big eyes” is that they work great for stand-up. People come up to me all the time after shows to talk about my eyes. They use words like “expressive” and “communicative,” and compliment me on them. And it’s always strange to hear because before I started comedy, the closest thing I ever got to a compliment was, “You got some big ass eyes.” 

I’ve tried to go out to places and purposefully look happy and approachable but you can’t sit around cheesing all the time without looking simple. So please, help me spread the word:

Erin Jackson is not really a giant bitch. She just looks like one.

It’s finally time to EXHALE!

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Wednesday night was the big Atlanta premiere event for “Exhale!” I had been missing my co-hosts; it was so good to have the band back together again. We all arrived in town on Tuesday nite and met right away for drinks in the hotel lobby. We had our first round and then ordered a celebratory bottle of champagne, but we didn’t have time to pop it because we were running late for dinner. So Angela just decided we’d bring it with us. Apparently champagne is classy so you don’t need to brown-bag it while walking down the street.

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Dinner was with ASPiRE General Manager, Paul Butler and author/playwright Pearl Cleage (#Swoon). Pearl is aMAZing. I’ve been a fan of her work for years and she was to moderate the cast talkback that would take place after the screening of the premiere episode the next night. She really got a chance to see that we are, quite literally, crazy people. I’m sure she was reconsidering her decision to participate. We shut that steakhouse down. Sorry, STK.

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The next day began with press interviews and then came the Google Hangout with our director and producer and viewer-submitted questions. It was big fun, and gave viewers an accurate taste of what each of us brings to the show! After that, we had about an hour or so to get into hair and makeup for the big event! The Atlanta rain and humidity forced us to move the black carpet inside and it did a number on my wig. I’m glad we at least got a couple pics in before it fell totally asleep.

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Hollywood Teeth

I do a joke in my act about a disagreement I got into with my dentist when I went in for a crown and he basically told me my teeth look like Mountain Dew. I’ve always thought I had a pretty nice smile, but after being introduced to what “Hollywood teeth” look like, I started to think that dentist may have been right and started checking out professional teeth whitening. It seems like Zoom Whitening was pretty much the industry standard. It takes about an hour and though it looked uncomfortable, I thought to myself, “I can do anything for an hour.”

They start by putting in one of those mouth-stretcher-outer things to keep your mouth open. And then they start painting your teeth with the bleaching material. After that they put this UV light in your mouth for 3 rounds of 15 minutes…

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And then VOILA!!! You have glow-in-the-dark teeth like Ross on “Friends.”

The Zoom website tells you that you may experience gum sensitivity, but they leave out the part about the random sharp, throbbing pain in your teeth that’s going to continue for the next 10-12 hours. The only reason I knew this was a possibility was because I mentioned to a friend in passing the day before I went that I was having the procedure and he told me it happened to him. The dentist made it seem like my friend was just being a baby about the whole thing — “mild discomfort” he called it.

MILD DISCOMFORT MY ASS!

It was some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It started while I was still in the chair (my appt. was at 8am) and it lasted until after 11 pm. It had me banging on counters in convenience stores and screaming in my car. My teeth are much whiter, but I will never, NEVER, never ever ever do that again.

smile

This is as good as it gets, Hollywood.

One good apple…

Before

Before

I usually don’t smile in hair salons. Because I hate them.

Or maybe I should say: I hate the hair-salon “process.” I’ve been to stylists who arrive dumb late for appointments. A-yo, respect my time, man. I’ve been to stylists who nickel-and-dime. The deep-conditioner application cost 15 dollars, but if you want me to wash it out, it’s gonna be 30. I’ve been to stylists who stack clients. How we ALL got an 11:00 appointment?… And as such, I have been relaxing, styling and sometimes trimming (I may need to stop trimming) my own hair since I was 15. On the rare occasions when I do need to go to a salon, I arrive with my hair relaxed, conditioned and wrapped and just ask the stylist to trim and style it. They don’t like it but it really is in everyone’s best interest, as I do not possess patience or restraint necessary to sit in a salon all day long without blacking out on somebody. “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that.”

I took new headshots today. I felt like I needed to get my hair done professionally, so I made an appointment with a stylist I recently met. I walked thru the door with a side-eye, but when I got in I saw that I was her only client. We breezed right thru the process. In and out in two hours (the roller set added a lil extra time, but I asked for that) and she did a fantastic job!

After

After

If it was always like this, maybe I would go more often.

But it isn’t. So I won’t.

Pool Envy

This water park is in the middle of the hotel I’m staying in this weekend. Like for real right in the middle of it. It’s called the Coco Key Water Resort, and the first day I went over to the waterpark and had a drink at the bar just outside the gates and watched all the kids sliding and playing and splashing around. Then I realized how creepy I must have looked as the only adult there without a child, and I decided to go hang out around the regular pool.

Back in the day when I was young
I’m not a kid anymore
But some days I sit
And wish I was a kid again

I is…

I is kind. I is smart. I is important.

On my way back from my show tonite in Orlando, I saw this blown-out Chili’s sign with and I had to snap this pic. I just watched “The Help” on HBO this weekend so this scene was fresh in my mind. My college booking agent Bridget says this to me whenever I’m being needy. Every time I think of her sarcastic consolations, I laugh uncontrollably. I know she’s mocking me, but it still makes me feel better. I posted this on Facebook and my cousin Adrianne said that my eye is fine tuned to the peculiar — that she would never have noticed something like this.

Ha. It’s all I could see.