I did a holiday party last nite in southern Maryland and I was/am sick. **pouty lip** So I decided to have a drink of bourbon before I hit the stage. Haha, I say that as if I need to give you guys an excuse for why I was drinking bourbon. Bourbon is my friend… Well, after my drink I was still feeling yuck, so I asked for a cup of tea. But the bartender said what I needed was a hot toddy. I’d never had one before, but after she told me it was just hot tea, whiskey and honey I could not argue with her.
It sounded like exactly what I needed.
“You’ll break out into a sweat halfway thru,” she said. And man was she right. Plus I had on a turtleneck sweater. I felt like I was erupting, and imagined what I was experiencing was — in a Dickensian sorta way — the ‘ghost of hot flashes future.’ The show went really well although they didn’t have a microphone and I had a porcapine in my froat. But I was sweating so much I think my skin actually looks better today. Whiskey facials — try one.
Well after I was done the organizer asked me to hang around in order to judge their Ugliest Christmas Sweater contest. When they made the call for contestants, the woman in the photos below immediately came forward. And upon seeing her, everyone else promptly turned back around and headed for their seats…
The undisputed champ, right? Unification title and urrything…
Well, some of the other women were kinda disappointed that there wasn’t even a vote. And I felt for them. I too was disappointed… that I didn’t get to make fun of people’s clothes to their face. And I mean, sure the champ worked super hard to make whatever garment is underneath all those baubles look that bad (she sewed synthetic hair and tinsel to the damn thing). But there were several women there wearing some genuinely atrocious sweaters. Without all the arts and crafts.
It was kinda like being in a comedy contest where all the comics onstage before me used props, or juggled, or played some dumb ass catchy song on their banjo to get cheap, easy laughs. And I just showed up with a bunch of clever, well-written jokes…
Or maybe it’s nothing like that. Maybe I just really hate all those things and I wanted to sh*t on people who do them because this is my blog and I can.
Either way… congrats to the winner.