Operation #LWOACS – Day #1

I still plan on getting my #GirlTrek on while I’m on this ship. I will work out at least 5 days a week. No excuses. I expect all 3 of y’all regular readers to hold me accountable. Saturday, I even invited 1,800 people to carb-shame me in the dining rooms if they catch me slipping on my eating plan. Even if they’re not gonna do it, it’s keeping me in line. Wish me luck on #OperationLoseWeightOnACruiseShip #ImGoingToAWeddingTheDayAfterIGetHome

Mom on board


I texted my mom to let her know I’d arrived and safely boarded the cruise ship I’ll be performing on for the next month. She sent me this text back, and I thought it was super sweet. She hasn’t always been super excited about my career as a comic, but her concerns lie mainly in her desire for me to have job security, a steady paycheck and the ability to fill my pantry with groceries from a supermarket—not shrimp-flavored ramen from Rite-Aid. But she’s on board now, pun absolutely intended, because she realized a few years ago that despite the struggle, this is the life I’ve chosen. Success ebbs and flows, but funny is my thing.

Be funny… OK?

No doubt.

Check out my digs for the next 4 weeks:

On Melania and the plagiarizing of my wardrobe

When I was in high school one of my teammates stole the outfit I wore to school—which included my mama’s earrings—out of my locker during practice. It was “Buddy-Buddy Day” so I’d worn the same exact outfit as my girl, Nicholle. Jeans and a brand new purple shirt. This girl who jacked me was AT LEAST 30 pounds lighter than me, yet the next day she wore the entire outfit to school. And I was looking at her like I imagine Auntie Michelle was looking at Melania last night:

Ummm… does she think I won’t recognize my own ish? It doesn’t even fit her!!!

That’s what you call a flawless analogy, folks. Word is bond.

I shared this story on Facebook and folks main question was, “Did you get your stuff back?” You’ll be happy to know that I did! Or, better… someone else got it back for me. This was Nicholle and my freshmen year, but because of our class schedules we had an upperclassman lunch period. We sat with some older girls who were nice enough to us; we were just babies to them and didn’t travel in the same circles. But on that day, when Cole and I saw old girl walk into the caf in “our” outfit from the day before, we were both like “WTF? She has on all [my] stuff!” Upon hearing us, one of the upperclassman at our table was like, WHO took your WHAT?” And before I knew it she was over there and back with my mom’s earrings, which I’m pretty sure I borrowed without permission. She was the kind of girl nobody messed with and I was just happy she was on my side. Even though I had no idea she was on my side. A few years ago, I found my upperclassman savior on Facebook and asked her if she remembered this incident. She barely remembered me, haha. But I’ll never forget that. It was the nicest, most gangsta things anyone’s ever done on my behalf.

Sidebar, this meme right here laid me out:

The rent IS pretty damn high…

So I got to Central Park about an hour before my Laughter in the Park show, and I looked over to my right and thought I recognized the guy sitting on the bench next to me. Wasn’t he that The Rent Is Too Damn High Party guy who ran for NY governor a few years ago?

I’m not really sure why I wasn’t sure that it was him—he’s got a pretty unique look—but when someone rollerbladed by and yelled his catch phrase, and he threw up his fist, I knew it was him. I walked over to introduce myself and invite him to our show, and he told me that he was on the show as well.

Ummm… as what?

He said he wasn’t gonna do stand-up, he was just going to talk to the crowd, which… OK. He had a puppet that looked just like him. And… and… He was a super nice man to talk to, despite his endorsement of Trump. Such a random day. Only in NYC.




Me perfoming last year at Laughter in the Park

Me perfoming last year at Laughter in the Park

I’ll be performing again in Central Park on July 3 with Laughter in the Park. It was super fun last year and the booker, Suzette, gets really great comics to come out. When she confirmed my date this week, she e-mailed me this photo from my performance last year. It literally made my day. He is rolling on the floor (ground) laughing his ass off. Literally.

This is why I do what I do.

Performances are held in Central Park, Washington Square Park and Brooklyn Bridge Park. Check out the full summer schedule here!

Sit-ins and shut up

Congressional Democrats, led by civil rights icon John Lewis (D-GA), staged a sit-in Wednesday on the House floor to try to force House Republicans to put several gun control measures to vote. And I applaud Rep. Lewis for applying the tactics he honed during the 1960’s to this situation and House Dems for holding the floor (#hoflor). If 90% of Americans are for background checks, then why are nearly all House Republicans against it (that question is obviously rhetorical)? They can’t all represent the remaining 10% of Americans. The Dems definitely wanted the bills to pass, but equally important, was their desire to have get their Republican colleagues on record against safety measures like these in the wake of the Orlando attack. The fact that the protest happened the day before summer break means they can’t continue it until over a week from now, at which point their attempts to retake the floor will most assuredly be met with more resistance, and may cause them to appear more petulant than principled. It was encouraging, however, to see a portion of this Do Nothing Congress think outside the box to at least try and do something meaningful—even if it was unsuccessful in the short term. It got voters to contact their representatives and brought even more attention to the issue. And hopefully it was the first small step towards universal background checks.

Now as for that “We Shall Overcome” remix posted above?

Un uh.

That’s when the sit-in jumped the shark. I feel like we all know whose idea that was, and it was a gross misappropriation of that anthem. “We shall pass a bill someday?” Word? “We shall overcome hate?” That wasn’t even the lyric during the height of the civil rights movement. How about: “We shall overcome dependence upon lobbying dollars by implementing public campaign financing someday” or “We shall neutralize the NRA someday…”

Le sigh. I respect the effort, if not the soundtrack.

I got into a discussion on Facebook with someone who questioned the 90% of Americans for background checks (including NRA members and other gun owners) figure, so I posted the articles listed below for reference. Because I have no desire to debate facts. The “No Fly, No Buy” bill definitely has problems, but I think we can all agree as to the spirit of the bill. If Republican lawmakers were behind background checks, but opposed that bill based on absence of due process, etc. I could totally understand that. But to be against any and all common sense gun control measures, and be unwilling to work with their colleagues to try and improve upon it and/or find any common ground? To quote the great philosopher, Alanis Morrissette: “I see right through you/I know right through you.”

Dead to me

Tally Ho Theatre, Leesburg, VA

Tally Ho Theatre, Leesburg, VA

I had a show last Thursday in Leesburg, VA at this cute little theater called Tally Ho. I didn’t think I knew anyone in Leesburg, but last nite I got a text from my cousin Graig, yelling at me for not letting he and his wife, Michelle, know I was in town. I totally forgot they lived there, and they literally live down the street from the venue. Oops? Graig and I are first cousins and we’re close; we’re the same age. And they found out I was there because they saw the ad for the show in the county newspaper they got on Monday—four days after the show.

But I digress.


Graig showed their four-year-old son my photo in the paper, and he asked, “Is she dead?” Because dead people’s photos go in the paper—duh. And Michelle told him:

“She is to us.”

Which is why I love her.


Photo by Dominic Rivera