Panties on the Ground

I was in the dressing room at a Super Target in Illinois yesterday and saw this sign:

Now, I’ve seen this sign in dressing rooms before and I get why they put it there, but I’ve always wondered why they single out swimwear. How ’bout this: How ’bout we keep on our undergarments regardless of what we’re trying on. Because when you add the qualifier, it just invites misinterpretation.

“Oooh, yes! The jeans fit. Now let me put my panties back on so I can try the bikini…”

See what I mean?

They don’t make the sign generic because they assume keeping your underpants on while trying on regular clothing is understood. But I submit that the people who would try on a swimsuit without underwear would try on anything that way. It’s already gross to think that Lord-knows-how-many people may have tried on your clothes before you bought them. Factor in (or should I say out) the potential absence of underwear and folks with questionable hygiene practices and it becomes exponentially mas gross.

I think department stores across the country should get together and update their signs to eliminate all confusion. Maybe it could look something like this:

Yeah. I think that hits the right note. You’re welcome.

Black History I’d Rather Forget: Pt. 2

Here is the second installment in my Black History I’d Rather Forget series:

Name: He knows who he is (and so may some of you, so I won’t post his name).

History-Making Move: Came to my house to show off his brand new car and asked me if I wanted to go out. Drove me to the movies and purchased one (1) ticket. I will never forget it: “One for Event Horizon, please.” I bought my ticket and then put my purse in the seat between us. After the movies he took me to dinner and well… he took me there is all I can say about that.

“F” for Effort

Went to a diner for breakfast early this morning after my show. My friend Mike ordered cheese grits with his pancakes. This is what he got:

OK… Technically there are grits here, and there is “cheese.” But these are most definitely NOT cheese grits. Even if this is how they were going to make them, couldn’t they have mixed it up in the back and brought it out cheesy? “F” effort. This cook was just like Grits? Check. Cheese? Check… Come and get it.”

Exhale. My puffy-girl sensibilities were offended. ‘Cause I love a good bowl of cheese grits. It wasn’t even my food but I wanted to send it back; have a talk with the cook about whatever happened in his childhood that led him to do this…

But most of all I wanted to tell him to “please pack his knives and go.”

Dear Jesus: Can I get some extra credit? Love, EJ

You ever wish you had just a little less home training?

Tonight while I was in Home Depot at the self-checkout kiosk, I noticed that someone had left this wallet full of money (those are all 20’s) on top of the kiosk beside mine. I was on the phone with my girlfriend Dana at the time and had just finished using all the cash — including every single silver coin in my wallet — to pay for the painter’s tape I needed. She can attest that although I knew it was right, I was mumbling under my breath the entire way over to the customer service desk, while simultaneously wishing I weren’t raised by such good Christian parents.

Sometimes it feels like scruples are overrated…

I looked thru the wallet for identification, and while there was plenty of other stuff — including credit and insurance cards — I wasn’t able to find a driver’s license so that I could attempt to contact him. So I really, really hope that the people at the customer service desk were honest. Because I’d hate to have turned the wallet in as I found it, and have him not receive all the contents back. Dana thought I should leave my card for him to let him know who found it. And I probably would if I’d had one, but a reward isn’t necessary; it was the right thing to do. I am, however, considering TwitPic-ing this photo to Jesus’ Twitter account so I can make sure he saw my good deed.

Steeler Fever

I cannot get this song out of my head! I spent the last few days doing shows in and around Pittsburgh, and as it’s Superbowl weekend, this song was on every radio station ALL the time. The student’s were playing it over the PA at my college shows… Maaaaan.

Even the construction/traffic signs on the Pennsylvania Turnpike were rooting for the Steelers. Pretty sure this sign could have been better used to advise me of the quick merge that was just beyond it. But who gives a hoot about traffic safety when the Steelers are playing for lucky No. 7?

Last nite I was performing at Seton Hill University, and they dressed up the statue of the saint their school is named for — Elizabeth Ann Seton — in Steeler swag. They even moved the time of mass to coincide with the game! These Steeler fans are no joke. And I really hope Pittsburgh wins. Mainly because I stood outside and froze my behind off while Green Bay ended our season and I hate them for that. And if they do win, I hope some of that championship mojo rubs off on the team on the other side of the state.

Exhale… Happy Superbowl Sunday everyone!