LNHIOB

This is me dissing the first man in my life who’s ever given me a flower.

This was taken right after Tim, the organizer of the benefit I performed at, thanked me for participating and tried to hug me. He leaned in and I said, “Un uh. No hugs.” What??? Pretty pink rose or not — y’all know how I feel about hugs. And so did the audience, because the second to last joke I told was about how I hate being hugged. Tim wasn’t in the room when I told the joke — he went to buy the flower — but I didn’t know that. So when he tried to hug me, I thought he was kidding.

And he thought I was an ass.

The crowd laughed hard, but what made it even worse is I didn’t know he hadn’t heard the bit until he mentioned the diss on my way out and I explained the whole situation. Glad he said something or I don’t think he would want to be my friend anymore. Sorry Tim!!! Let’s [not] hug it out, though.

You’re a mean one, Mr. Jackson

I caught Old Man Jackson posting his no trick-or-treat signs this evening. I knew he was on his way to hang them because he asked me if you spelled “treat” with an “e” and an “a” or two “e’s” because it didn’t look right to him. I should have told him it was the second way. Would have made for a much funnier photo. I’ve been calling him Mean Old Man Jackson all day and yelling out the window for people to get off his lawn. Even though there was no one on the lawn.

This one was taken from inside my Halloween Prison. Let me out, Scrooge!!! These kids’ costumes are so cute I just wanna go outside on the sneak tip and give them some Mentos out of my purse. I hope someone breaks me outta here.

Attica! Attica!

My First Time

Guess who’s got a feature in the November 2011 Washingtonian Magazine? No, it’s not 80’s pop sensation Billy Ocean. Why would you guess that? It’s me! November was the “Work Issue” and one of the features was called “My First Time.” In it, they interviewed several people in different fields about transformative career “firsts.” So honored they chose me — and for a full page at that! One of the subjects was about a physician’s first time telling a parent their child had passed away… Heavy stuff. My first stand-up experience seems so trivial when compared to that. If you’re in or around DC pick one up. I really enjoyed reading all the interesting stories!

You can check out the article online here.

Marriage and mean mugs


I went home to Jersey this weekend to attend my friend Keisha’s wedding. So. much. fun. She was a gorgeous bride! And on top of seeing one of my oldest friends marry her Prince Charming, all my best girlfriends from high school were there. We’re all so spread out: Tennessee, Texas, Jersey, Virginia. The six of us hadn’t all been together since another wedding 8 years ago. Crazy.

I stayed with BFF Michelle and her husband and of course their daughter (my goddaughter) Maia. She just turned 2 in August. And I love when kids start developing their little personalities. She’s so much fun now. Spunky just like her mom. The first night I got there, we watched Toy Story 3. This is us holding hands during the scene where the toys are headed for the furnace.

After that, we had a mean mug contest:

I’m pretty sure I won, but she got more votes I think because of the cuteness factor.

We played dress-up too, but she wasn’t too happy about it. Haha. She made this sad mug on her own.

All in all, I had a great weekend! My girl Dionne and I are the only two in the group who are still single. Hope she ties the knot soon cause if we have to wait til my wedding to see each other again… well, Lord only knows… ;) Anyways, congrats to the new Mr. & Mrs. Barnes!!! I wish you a life full of love and happiness and more babies for me to ice grill, dress up, and love up on. LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!! Muah!

Follow me

How cool is this: Huffington Post included me in their 18 Funny Women You Should Be Following On Twitter article this afternoon. I can’t believe how many new followers that article sent my way. I was on the road when they posted it, and my Blackberry was going off like crazy because I have my Twitter set to notify me when I get a new follower… When I finally was able, I pulled over to see my inbox was flooded, but I had no idea where all the new follows were coming from. At first I thought: “Wow, that’s a lot of spam!” And then I thought: “My sex tape must have gotten out…” But I did a little digging and found out what it was. Hooray!

It’s just nice to know they’ve heard of me!

Coming soon to Bravo?

Real Housewives of The Bible? OK, I’ll bite.

The church this sign is in front of is down the street from my house. And it definitely got my attention, but I’m not sure whether to praise (pun intended) this church for the clever marketing idea or to shake my head that the Real Housewives are more of a draw than Jesus. I wonder who’s in the cast. I’m sure it’s a mix of actual wives and some single floosies — probably Eve, Ruth, Sara… Maybe that hoochie, Hagar. Or Jezebel, even.

OK, this joke is getting tired. But it reminded me of the Real Housewives of Civil Rights video I saw earlier this year. Don’t think I shared it here, but if you haven’t seen it yet, check it out. It is pure hi-LAR-ity! I heart these ladies:

Cold drinks, warm buns

I was in a bar in Norfolk, VA last nite after a show at Old Dominion University and I noticed these built in coasters on the counter top. They looked to me like they were frosted over so I reached out and touched them. I couldn’t believe it! Built-in drink coolers? I’ve been to and worked in tons of bars in my life; how have I never seen this before? Why didn’t you guys tell me these existed? I pointed them out to the friend I was with and then to the the other folks at the bar. No one had even noticed them. I was seriously as geeked about this as I was when I found out my first car (Moby — a gray 1986 Volvo 740 GLE) had bun warmers. Oh leather seats and bun warmers; how I miss thee…

I thought it was quite possibly the greatest bar I’d ever been to, until they did last call at 11:45 and collected all unfinished drinks at midnite. What kind of bar on a college campus closes at midnite??? That brought their “great” factor waaaay down. But I was still glad to have seen it. I wonder if this is an amenity that can be built into sofa armrests and ottoman tops — if it isn’t already… Hey, don’t steal that idea. It’s mine. Sorry.

Laugh, then scream

Last night I had a show — an AWESOME show — at Grand Valley State University in Allendale, MI. It was my first college show of the school year and theirs as well. Glad it was yesterday, cuase they’ve got Dean Edwards coming in today and I didn’t want to have to follow him. Booker T. Washington, Go ‘head GVSU for booking two brown comics back-to-back to open the school year!!! That doesn’t usually happen until February.

Moving on, I love this poster they did for the event. They had an advanced screening of “Scream 4” scheduled in the same room just after my show so they put both events on the same poster. It looks like the Scream killer is sneaking up on me, doesn’t it? I’m totally putting it in my press kit that I was in Scream 4. And I’m gonna use this poster image to prove it. You didn’t see me? Well maybe you came in late or blinked or something. You know the brown girl always dies first.

Tee hee. Thanx GVSU!