Biding my time in Rrroma

image

Did you roll your mind’s r’s when you read that? Awesome.

I just landed in Rome for the layover on my way to Tel Aviv. The foundation flew me here like I was fancy so I got to sit in one of those cubbies with the ottoman and the massage chair and the four-course meal. And the free wine. Oh, the free wine… Much of my life as a comic would make for an epic struggle rap, but on some days, I feel like I’ve made some pretty decent life choices.

When I get to Tel Aviv, I’m on my own to get to the hotel, because it’s Sabbath and the car service is not available. I’m looking forward to that little adventure, a couple hours of sleep and then our first show tonite!

P.S. It will be 9am here when I board the next flight. I will be requesting more free wine.

Talk soon!

Holy Land Holiday

comedyforkoby
This Thanksgiving weekend, I am traveling to ISRAEL! I know, right?!

I am honored and excited to have been invited to perform on the Koby Mandell Foundation‘s Comedy for Koby Winter 2015 tour. The Foundation is named for a young teenager who was murdered by terrorists in 2001 while hiking near his home, and is designed to help family members of victims of terror and others who have lost loved ones in tragic circumstances by providing them with a social support network and a variety of programs that helps them deal with the loss. They run a summer camp for kids, called Camp Koby, and host events throughout the year.

I’ll be joining three other comics for eight shows in Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, Gush Etzion, Modiin, Ra’Anana, Be’er Sheva and Beit Shemesh. I’m looking forward to the shows and seeing everything I possibly can while there. I’ve got all my gadgets and chargers and converters ready for the flight This is gonna be the trip of a lifetime. Can’t wait to share it with all of you!

Halloweening

I dressed up for Halloween this year for the first time since I was in kindergarten–well, the first time since this happened:

Pt. 2 of how I snuck #Halloween once. Thanx @michie3g!!! Looking out for me since the 80’s. #ShhhDontTellMyMama A video posted by Erin Jackson (@ejthecomic) on

When I was growing up my parents never let me go Halloweening because: Jesus, eternal damnation, etc. But this year, I went out with my best friend (that’s her in the video) to take my goddaughter trick-or-treating, and I decided I wanted a costume, too. I only had about two hours to put something together, so I did a quick search for ideas online and then headed out for supplies. I got some iron-on transferable letters from Michaels and a plain sweatshirt from Dick’s Sporting Goods. Here’s what I came up with. Can you guess what I was…?

ironing  ironing2

Yeah, no one else could either.

I was a ceiling fan. Get it? “Yaaaaay, Ceiling!” Shut up, it was my first time putting together a costume. I feel like if I could have found some pom-poms, it would have made more sense to people. But I’m willing to accept that I might be wrong. I had a blast trick-or-treating vicariously through my goddaughter. It was a beautiful day and most of the little kids’ costumes were too cute for words. Every girl over the age of 12 apparently went as a hooker, but #heytheynotmykidsso… Looking forward to more Halloweens in costume. Someone, have a party and invite me, please. Maybe next year I could be a church fan. Or anything other than that. I’ll just surprise you. Thanks in advance.

Listen

I was fast asleep in my aisle seat when she woke me up, fumbling for the button that would recline hers. Annoyed, I cut my eyes at her, then tried to get back to sleep.

“Do you fly this route often?” she asked.

I told her that I fly a lot, but this was my first trip to Montana.

“Do you take out travel insurance when you fly?”

I told her I’d never bought it.

“This was my first time getting the insurance. My husband Jim and I flew out to Great Falls last weekend.”

I really wished she’d leave me be.

“He died on Tuesday.”

She went on to tell me how the insurance company covered her hotel stay for three nights, rescheduled her flights and covered the full cost of her husband’s cremation—his ashes were in an urn in the overhead compartment. Right next to my backpack.

“All that for $92. Can you believe it?”

Her name was Cindy and she was from Massachusetts. A couple for 14 years, she and Jim had been married for only four. He’d been in home hospice care on the east coast, but was still fiercely independent. Montana was Jim’s favorite place on earth.

He’d been her second husband. Her first had passed years earlier, after a car accident had left him paralyzed. He spent two years in a rehabilitation center, and she’d been with him nearly every day. Jim had promised her that he would never become a burden. “I’ll never do to you what [her first husband] did. You won’t have to take care of me.” He died peacefully in his sleep.

I covered her hand with mine and asked her how she was doing.

“I’m doing OK. God must think I have strong shoulders.”

Indeed, he must. We talked for the duration of the flight; she shared special moments from her lives with both men. The time she hired a belly dancer to perform for her first husband in the rehab center, and all the other patients crashed their private party. How she and Jim met while he was working on the Big Dig.

“No more husbands for me. But with my record, who’d marry me?”

She laughed.

I’ve never been good at finding the right words in situations like this. But I got the sense that she just needed someone to listen. I felt guilty for being so caught up in my own stuff and wanting to tune her out, but there’s no way I could have known what she’d been through. I just hope our conversation brought her even the tiniest bit of peace. I said a prayer for her when we landed, and I told her I would continue to pray for her.

God bless you, Cindy.

“In your life you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some that you wish you never have to think about again. But you do.” — C.S. Lewis

Stevie!!!

It’s been well-documented on this site that I. LOVE. STEVIE. WONDER. So when BFF Jenny texted me last week to tell me she got $45 tickets to see him on Groupon in Knoxville, TN (she lives in Chattanooga), I have to admit, I was a little jelly.

stevie

But then, sometimes: Jesus.

I got a call from my college agent yesterday and she told me that University of Tennessee Knoxville wanted to book me for a show next month. Because I knew it was not far from BFF Jenny, I texted her this morning to let her know. If I was gonna be within an hour or two of her house, I was definitely gonna stop by. I had no idea when the Stevie concert was.

steve2

Turns out the concert is the day after my show and her husband wasn’t gonna be able to come and she hadn’t asked anyone else if they wanted to go yet… And HOORAY! I get to see Stevie with my bestie and get paid.

Thank you, 8lb. 6oz. newborn infant Jesus.

Exhale vs. Empire

That awkward moment on stage when you realize your talk show has been moved to the same time slot as “Empire…”

Last nite, I headlined the Virginia Beach Funny Bone and I began the show by commenting on how many black folks were in the audience. I was honestly surprised because Wednesday nite is “Empire” night in most black households these days, and these folks chose to forego that and come out to see me. In case you’ve been living under a rock, the show is a mammoth hit that gains more and more viewers each week. I was really grateful.

At the close of the show, I was telling the audience about “Exhale,” and inviting them to tune in and support, when I realized that we are on during the “Empire” time slot — Wednesdays at 9pm. I was recording my set, as I always do, so I caught that moment of realization for posterity. These folks came out last nite, but they weren’t trying to make it a habit… THE GOOD NEWS is that we premiere on May 6 — well after the “Empire” (and “black-ish” finale(s), so there are no excuses. Amen.

Here’s a little behind-the-scenes video I shot on our last day on set for “Exhale” season 3. We have a lot of fun together and we have great conversations. I hope you’ll tune in and check us out!

Damn you, Madonna!

A week ago tonight, I was driving my friend, the hilarious Marina Franklin, home after our shows at The Comedy Cellar. As we were about to get on the West Side Highway, we drove into a DUI checkpoint. Marina, who had taped an episode of “The Nightly Show” earlier in the day said, “Girl… I still got my makeup on. Look at these eyelashes. I can’t go to jail all pretty.” I knew I wasn’t drunk, yet it was the most afraid I’d been since those NY state troopers drew their guns on me a few years back. I was convinced 100% I was going to jail. Because if there’s anyone who could get a DUI without being UI, it’s me.

Sidebar, when I posted about the DUI stop on Facebook, one of my Facebook friends left a video in the comments about how it was my right to decline to roll down my window and refuse the breathalyzer… Listen here, white folks: you’re gonna get your black friends killed with that BS. We know you’re trying to be helpful, but that video is not for us. Like it’s so not for us that it should have one of those you-cant-eat-here-or-use-our-water-fountain-civil-rights-era-type “whites only” signs at the beginning.

But I digress.

I’ve always been afraid of becoming an accidental criminal. It’s why, although I’ve never built a bomb, I’m always terrified when a TSA agent swabs my palms for bomb residue. I hope I didn’t touch any bomb ingredients; I hear you can make them out of almost anything. It’s why I’m always paranoid the person who had the rental car before me stashed some contraband that’s gonna be found on my watch. OK, so if I see any scratches I note it on this form, but what if I find heroin? Is there a form for that…?

It’s often difficult to pinpoint the genesis of a phobia, but I happen to know exactly where mine originated. The year was 1987, and my cousin took me to see Madonna in “Who’s That Girl?” In it she plays Nikki Finn, a petty thief who was framed for murder and sets out to find the people who set her up when she gets rekeased. Within a half hour of being released from prison, the scene below takes place:

This movie messed me up, y’all. I was just a kid and I was convinced things like this happened all the time. And now, even though I know better, it’s still in me. When a store owner follows me around to make sure I’m not stealing anything, part of me is angry and offended and the other part is hoping nobody “Nikki Finn’ed” me so I don’t prove them right.

Do you have any weird paranoia that you’d like to blame on Madonna? If so, tell me about it in the comments. And as always, thanks for reading.

Solutions

corn

I may or may not have had a corn on my right pinky toe that required me to visit the foot care aisle of the Rite Aid next door to my building. And while I was in there I may or may not have taken this photo of a package of corn pads that advertised that they were designed to fit inside tight shoes. Tight shoes may or may not be the whole problem here.

#Solutions