Let’s Go Knicks

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Last night, I went to the Knicks/Wizards game at The Garden with my boy T.O.N.Y. He’s a Knicks superfan even though he lives in DC and has season tickets to the Wizards. It was my first time at a game in the Garden since middle school and the first game since Derek Fisher’s firing, so it felt kinda like Christmas. My teams are 2-for-2 on firing crappy coaches this year and I’m all about it. During one of the commercial breaks the people with the t-shirt cannons came out and started shooting them into the stands and people in the crowd lost their s***. I’m always amazed by how crazed people become over the high-velocity propulsion of shitty, free t-shirts towards their faces. The video below is me saying as much.

Not 20 minutes later, as if on cue, I caught a t-shirt with my jaw. I secured it with my right hand as it hit me so it didn’t go tumbling into the next row… It was like the David Tyree helmet catch and OBJ’s one-handed grab had an awesome catch baby. I don’t think that last sentence makes any sense, but I’m not deleting it. I’m sure that at some point in my life I’ve laughed harder, and for longer; I just can’t remember when. #TITF But not really.

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I joked with T.O.N.Y. about how mad I would be—I would have demanded to see someone in management—if I got smacked in the face and wound up with a small or medium t-shirt. But, alas, it was an XL. They didn’t want it with Hov.

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Russell Wilson and Ciara’s weave (pictured above) were at the game, They were sitting down on the floor next to Lala Anthony. I know Lala and Ciara are good friends because I may or may not really like her reality show, but I was having a hard time picturing Melo and Russ hanging out. They just don’t seem like they’d have a lot in common besides the professional athlete thing. I would love to be a fly on the wall at one of their double dates.

But I digress.

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The Knicks have been on a terrible losing streak and though they came close, they did not break it last nite. They missed a 3 at the buzzer that would have sent the game into OT. But it was not meant to be. I’m looking forward to the team improving under new/old coach Kurt Rambis and hopefully snagging a higher profile coach in the offseason. We’re not a good team, but we’re not terrible either. And it’s been a long time since I felt that way. Anyway, I need to be packing a bag right now. The road is calling.

A good thing

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I joke about my eyes on stage and social media because I am self-aware, but I am extremely (extremely) self-conscious about them. Every. single. day. someone I do not know approaches me and comments about them, almost always negatively.

“What’s wrong with your eyes?”
“Oh my God, you scared me.”
“Are you doing that on purpose?”
“Can you pop them out of your head like that lady in that commercial?”
“You got some big ass eyes.”

I know this. Because I’ve had this face for 37 years. They got “worse” when I got sick 2 years ago, and I’m constantly snapping selfies and monitoring (read: measuring) them with the help of my doctor in hopes they won’t continue to progress.

So when I walked into the Hudson News in Penn Station and the black woman behind the counter looked at me and said, “You have HUGE eyes,” I turned my back to her and rolled them. Not today, lady!!!

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Except: every. single. day.

When I finally got to the register with my drink, she said it again. “You have huge eyes.” And then with the biggest smile ever, “I hope your babies took them. Where I am from–Uganda–babies and big eyes, that is a good thing.”

Instant demeanor change.

“Thank you,” I said, “but I don’t have any babies.”

“Ahhh you must make some. It will be a good thing.”

Thank you, Hudson News lady. I needed that.

The Big Short

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I went to the movies this morning. At 10:20 a.m. Because it costs $6.00 to go to the movies at 10:20 a.m. I saw, “The Big Short.” It was the most excellent movie I wish I’d never seen. It was all about how a small group of Wall Steeet guys correctly “predicted the housing and credit bubble collapse of the mid-2000’s and decided to take on the banks.” But not in the superhero kind of way where they prevent destruction. It was more like the way crows wait until something dies and then feast on it.

Steve Carell was amazing in the movie. So was Christian Bale. Brad Pitt was in it, Ryan Gosling, Adepero Oduye… Tons of amazing actors, and all I could think the whole time was, “F*ck these f*ckers.”

I own a home with mortgage that is underwater. I put a 25% down payment on it, and lost all that cash when the bubble burst. I was going to refinance and live off a portion of that money when I quit my job to do comedy full time. Instead, I resigned with a 401K worth less than 40% of what it was just a year before, and a condo that was impossible to refinance. Oh and to top it off, my (paid-off) car was stolen a couple months later, so I wound up having to cash out enough money to buy a car (in cash, because no job) from what was left of my retirement account. It didn’t matter that I’d taken out a traditional 30-year mortgage; when half the folks in my neighborhood defaulted.on their subprime loans, my property value torpedoed right along with theirs.

The film almost tricks you into rooting for people who bet on the economy to fail. They saw what was coming before it happened! They exposed the crime, the coverups, the hypocrisy of the big banks! Hooray for this! Except, they had no problem making millions/billions off the collapse. Off of my misery and that of so many others.

I wanted to set fire to every bank I passed on the way home.

I’ve recently partnered with some great folks and will be embarking on a new project that will focus on how we (Main Street-ers) can change how Wall Street works. I’m excited about learning and sharing and educating others. Can’t wait to share more! Please stay tuned!

Databasing

Donald Trump’s ascendance in the polls puzzled me. His continued domination terrifies me. This is certainly not the first time I’ve disagreed fundamentally with a political candidate, but it is the first time I’ve thought anyone this (blatantly) vile, with absolutely no political philosophy or knowledge about how government works, had a chance to win the White House. Trump has broken every rule of campaigning—of civility even. And his calls for a ban on Muslims entering the US and a registry of Muslims currently living here are in direct violation of (The First Amendment to) the United States Constitution, the most important set of “rules” in our nation.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…

Many posit that Trump doesn’t actually want to be president, that he continues to ratchet up his rhetoric in hopes of “going too far,” losing support and being ousted by the GOP. I wish I believed that. Better, I wish I believed that lack of true desire to become president would stop this megalomaniac from trying to “win.” And even if this is his strategy, it’s backfiring. The more hate he spews, the more media coverage he gets, the more supporters he gains… Rabid, xenophobic (read:racist), dangerous supporters, unabashedly cheering his vitriol and fanning the flames of his narcissism. I want to create a registry of people who cosign his hateful ideas. Think there should be a Muslim database? Aiight, but I’ma need your name and address for a little project I’m working on. I deserve to know if I’m living near one of these bammas, Am I working with one? Let’s get an app up, some interactive maps… Where dey at doe?

As we’re still more than a month out from the Iowa Caucus, it remains to be seen whether his poll numbers will translate into primary victories. But if the idea of a Trump presidency doesn’t frighten you, you frighten me. If it does and you’re not registered to vote, get registered or go screw yourself. And if you’re not for Trump and you’re already on the voter rolls, you period must period vote period. Period. And if he doesn’t win the nomination don’t just go, “Whew!” and stay home on election day. The dude on deck behind him (Cruz) is no less dangerous; he’d be the Trump if Trump weren’t in the race.

This is real life, y’all. Act like it.

Beginnings

Dr. Kia!!!

Dr. Kia!!!

Today is a huge day for two of my most favoritest friends!!! One graduated with her PhD in Clinical Psychology from American University, while the other is giving birth to her first baby. Weeeeeeeee!!! I’m grateful to have been able to watch the live stream of one event, happy to wait for the “after” photos of the other. If there’s any question about which event I tuned in to see, just know that even BFFs need boundaries. Anyway, I’m super proud of both my girls! I can’t even fathom the amount of work and dedication required to complete a PhD. I am vaguely familiar with the background work required for the latter…

Love you both so, so much. You’re gonna be amazing at your new jobs!

New Year, Same Old Love

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In case you were wondering, me and Santa Boo are still together. Solid as a rock. This year we decided to try something a little different for our photo. We’d never done a standing photo so we gave it a try. What do you think? I think we’re super cute! We took our pic in the same mall as 2013, Buckland Hills Mall in Manchester, CT. I had a show at the Funny Bone located in the mall and bae really wanted to come, but he wanted to change out of his work clothes first and there just wasn’t time. I told him to just come and not worry but he told me he didn’t want to steal my shine.

He so sweet. That’s why I love he.

Happy Holidays, yall!