Real Crab Meat

It’s 2:18 a.m. And I had to post this before it left my brain. The following is a real life conversation between BFF Keisha and a random dude at this bar we just left. I was transcribing it in my phone as it was happening. You’re welcome.

DUDE: Girl yo eyes so pretty. You got the prettiest eyes in the world. Let me take you to a nice steak dinner… Lobster tail, with real crabmeat.

KEISHA: Real crabmeat?

DUDE: Yeah girl. Can I buy you a drink?

KEISHA: No, thank you.

DUDE: What’s wrong, you don’t like dark skinned men?

KEISHA: I have a man.

DUDE: Well shit girl you so fine you could bring him with you. He could order some appetizers or something.

Appetizers? Do y’all understand how large a man’s you-know-whats have to be for him to say something like that??!? You guys, being there to witness this exchange may have been the best thing that’s happened to me thus far in 2011. Dude was so serious. And I’m not mad at his game. He was a little older, and I bet that rap used to get him mad play back in the 90’s. The funniest part is he was so smooth with it. He said it like he was Oran “Juice” Jones talking to old girl in “The Rain…” or the bass singer in an R&B group. I almost feel like Keisha’s boyfriend should be OK with her going out with this guy. Just once. Because he earned it.

Sidebar, this whole convo got me to thinking about this video blog my friend Roy did a few months ago. He’s a bit angry in it. But angry is funny. So watch and enjoy. ;)

Thanks, guys!

Thanks so much to all of you who came out to my show at the Arlington Drafthouse last Friday nite!!! We only had a week to promote the show, and you guys packed it out!!! SCORE for social networking! It was so cool to meet so many of the folks I regularly interact with on Facebook and Twitter in the real world! Another HUGE THANKS to buddies Mike Way and Jason Weems who opened the show with me. Those dudes are fun-KNEE! Be sure and check them out too.

One of my Facebook/Twitter friends John wrote a very nice blog about the show here on his site: http://ghettopunkrocker.com.

Me and John

Thanks John. And THANK YOU ALL!!!

Easter Werge

So it’s Easter Sunday — the most colorful Sunday of the Baptist Church calendar. This morning I sat in my seat and marveled as all the women and kids in their beautiful Easter outfits and hats came in and got settled. There was a lady a few rows in front of me wearing the most GORGEOUS hat I think I’ve ever seen. I’m sure the three people whose views it was obstructing felt a little differently about the hat than I did…

But I digress.

I was sitting next to what I like to call a Pew-varotti. It’s a werge (word merge) I coined myself:

Pew-varotti

noun \pyü-və-rä-tē\

1 :The person sitting next to you in the church pew who takes his/her vocals a little too seriously and sings The Lord’s Prayer and/or congregational hymn as if they’re headlining a show at Carnegie Hall — à la Luciano Pavarotti

Yeah. Pavarotti in an Easter crown. I really took the time to do that.

Moving past that… you guys know what I mean, right? We’ve all had the privilege of sitting next to these folks. They sing in full voice while moving their head and shoulders like they’re conducting a symphony… I always wonder — especially when they actually have great voices — why they don’t just join the choir. I like to imagine there was a big fight at choir rehearsal one night over who got to sing the solo at pastor’s anniversary celebration, and he/she was voted out and now has no place to showcase their skills except for in the pews during service. Sure it’s probably more likely that the person is in a different choir than the one that’s singing on that day, or they don’t have the free time in their schedule to join and attend choir rehearsals, but I prefer to assume drama, and then work backwards from there.

Like my new werge? Then use it, pass it on and make mama proud.

And Happy Easter to all you Easter celebrators!!!

Original illustration

Just Wrong

OK, so I finally caught the movie “Just Wright” from the beginning. And I’m pissed. Not just because the plot kinda stunk and there was no chemistry between the two main characters… but because it’s set in my home state (New Jersey) and in the scene where Common and Queen Latifah meet, they’re at a gas station pumping gas. In New Jersey.

Whoever wrote, directed, fact-checked and.or produced this film gets an “F” for effort. Seriously, the movie is set in one of only two states in the union where it’s illegal to pump your own gas, and the main characters meet while doing just that? As a Jersey girl, Latifah should know better.

Shame on you, Dana.

As I was watching it I went straight to Facebook and Twitter to vent my frustrations:

I was happy that a lot of my fellow New Jerseyans were disturbed by this as well. But I wasn’t satisfied. I know I was a little late to the game (the movie came out almost a year ago), but I needed to know if this inconsistency had been exposed and discussed on the Internet previously. So I Googled “just wright gas station jersey” which brought up a Wiki Page. I then scrolled down to the “Plot Errors” section and found this.

Mmmmm… Sweet validation. Yum.

There’s nothing that can be done about it now. But for all the big movie directors and producers who read this blog: If you decide to base your film in New Jersey and you need an activity around which characters meet and interact, stay away from gas pumping. Dinner at a diner or a White Castle will work just as well.

You can thank me later.

You’re welcome.

Hilarious Dilemma

This is the disclaimer that appears at the top of Law & Order episodes, essentially to say “we are recreating a real crime a real person committed and profiting from it, but because we’re saying we didn’t, you can’t sue us.” Ummm, you can’t have it both ways, L&O (or maybe you can since you were on the air for 20 years). Either it’s ripped from the headlines or it’s fictional. It can’t be both.

But I digress… I’m posting this today because I wish there was something like this for comedy that could indemnify me against the hurt feelings and aggressions of the people in my life who make it into my act. Just last nite I was at a neighbor’s house and during our conversation I came up with a HILARIOUS bit about someone I know. It was 100% true and the punchline came to me like magic. It was like I was born to tell this joke. And usually this type of stuff doesn’t bother me because I’m not malicious in my act, but this person is a huge fan of my comedy and comes to a lot of shows, and I’m a huge fan of this person as well and I know that he would be bothered by what I said, regardless of how funny it is.

What’s the solution here? I think the bit will tie in perfectly to a chunk in my set that I’ve been trying to expand. But I would also like to preserve my relationship with the subject. I think what I’ll do is work the bit while I’m on the road to decide if it’s as funny as I think it is, and if it is (which it is) I may just have to keep it and explain later.

Damn you conscience!

Tonite at the Arlington Drafthouse: Come and get it!!!

HEY FOLKS!!! Tonite I’ll be headlining the Arlington (VA) Cinema ‘N Drafthouse. If you’re in the area and you’ve never been, it’s a fantastic venue. You should definitely go. Tonite. Because… well I think you know. And hey if you can’t make it out, and you have some dirt on a close friend, you can still blackmail he/she into buying a ticket. It would be much appreciated! Also on the show is my good buddy, the very funny Mr. Jason Weems. It’s gonna be big fun. But you gotta be in it to win it!

Huh?

Anyway, get your tickets now OR ELSE… you’ll have to get them at the door and no one wants to do that, right?

Arlington Cinema ‘N Drafthouse
2903 Columbia Pike, Arlington VA
(703) 486-2345
Ticket info: http://tinyurl.com/425cjgo
Web: http://www.arlingtondrafthouse.com

Fun-nest interview ever



OK so this is super cute: I’m working with a HS freshman who had to do a research project on a career she’s interested in and she contacted me because she wants to be a comic. That’s her on the right. Her name is Kate. I’ve e-mailed back and forth with her mom several times and she’s so supportive! Kate had to do a live interview as part of her project so instead of just meeting at a Starbucks or something I thought it might be cool for her to do it at a comedy club. So I invited her and her mom to meet me at the Improv last nite before my show. They were both so cute and excited. It really made my nite, and it made me really think about why I do what I do and how much I love it. I talk a lot. Hope I didn’t ramble too much. ;)

I really enjoyed helping out with the project and I hope she gets a good grade. I’ve never been the subject of a research project before, but I’ll tell you this: I was way more intrigued by a mom who supports her 15-year old’s desire to become a comedian than they could possibly have been by anything I said. I feel like I should have been doing a book report on her! I may e-mail her my mom’s phone number…

Good luck, Kate! Stay in touch!!!

Me @ Arlington Cinema Drafthouse — ONE NIGHT ONLY!!! April 22

HEY ALL MY PEEPS IN DC AND Northern VA!!!

You guys know I rarely use the blog to promote my shows — which maybe is not such a good idea now that I think about it — but I will be headlining the Arlington Cinema ‘N Drafthouse next Friday April 22, 2011. It’s my first time headlining this theatre so I wanna show them they made the right decision in booking me! If you’re in the area and you’re free next Friday and you’ve been meaning to check out a show, come on out next weekend!!! And if you can’t make it out, please spread the word. I promise it’ll be a blast! Details below:

Arlington Cinema ‘N Drafthouse
2903 Columbia Pike, Arlington VA
(703) 486-2345
Ticket info: http://tinyurl.com/425cjgo
Web: http://www.arlingtondrafthouse.com