Real Crab Meat

It’s 2:18 a.m. And I had to post this before it left my brain. The following is a real life conversation between BFF Keisha and a random dude at this bar we just left. I was transcribing it in my phone as it was happening. You’re welcome.

DUDE: Girl yo eyes so pretty. You got the prettiest eyes in the world. Let me take you to a nice steak dinner… Lobster tail, with real crabmeat.

KEISHA: Real crabmeat?

DUDE: Yeah girl. Can I buy you a drink?

KEISHA: No, thank you.

DUDE: What’s wrong, you don’t like dark skinned men?

KEISHA: I have a man.

DUDE: Well shit girl you so fine you could bring him with you. He could order some appetizers or something.

Appetizers? Do y’all understand how large a man’s you-know-whats have to be for him to say something like that??!? You guys, being there to witness this exchange may have been the best thing that’s happened to me thus far in 2011. Dude was so serious. And I’m not mad at his game. He was a little older, and I bet that rap used to get him mad play back in the 90’s. The funniest part is he was so smooth with it. He said it like he was Oran “Juice” Jones talking to old girl in “The Rain…” or the bass singer in an R&B group. I almost feel like Keisha’s boyfriend should be OK with her going out with this guy. Just once. Because he earned it.

Sidebar, this whole convo got me to thinking about this video blog my friend Roy did a few months ago. He’s a bit angry in it. But angry is funny. So watch and enjoy. ;)

Blog-jacking: The Ellen Show and The Female Orgasm

OK, so this is a link to a blog written by my friend Roy who will be coming with me to my Ellen taping. He is a comedian as well, and wanted to (uh…) share his concerns about being a guest in Ellen’s studio. Just to preface, he’s ridiculous ;)…

Click here to read and enjoy. Oh and please be sure to read the comments… Hilarity, I promise ;)

I’m gonna need you to explain that insult before I beat your…

Have you ever had someone shout an insult at you, and you knew it was bad, but you also had no idea what the heck it meant?… I was listening to a prank CD–I’ll Slap You to Sleep–by buddy and hilarious comedian Roy Wood, Jr. of…suckas, and I heard an 87 year-old woman refer to the woman who set her up for the prank as a “Shit house shorty”… wait I’m sorry an “International shit house shorty.” Huh? Roy didn’t know either.

Clearly the use of the word ‘shit’ lets me know it was an insult, but what kind of insult? I’m guessing it wasn’t racial. Doesn’t sound like she’s calling her a ho. Is this equivalent to the ‘b’ word? Is it a jab about this woman’s mama or her kids?

If someone said this to me, for real, I’d be like could you please explain that random ass insult as I’d like to know exactly why I’m headed to jail. I don’t wanna be explaining myself to the cops like, “Well yeah I hit the old lady. No, I’m not sure what it means. When do I get to call my mama?” I wanna at least be able to rile up someone behind me… “But what would you have done, officer? She called me a shit house shorty. I mean, what other option did I have?” Random.

Also random is the response I got from someone I didn’t know about the blog I posted yesterday. I thought only my friends read this blog. Hahaha… This Internet thing is WILD. Anyway, apparently she confused for MSNBC and wanted to set me straight on a few issues… I’m glad she found the blog however she found it, and I’m glad she left a comment because now I can tell the rest of you about it and laugh. I’m not in the habit of commenting on the blogs of people I don’t know or haven’t met… unless its like a major blog like the Daily Dish or something like that. Anyways, hope y’all have a good weekend. I’m off to Ocala, Florida tomorrow to kick it with the gators and the wild horses… Y’all remember my boy Frank I met last year while I was down there…


Holler at you on the other side. Jackson, out.