Split Peeve Soup

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

What an awful title for a blog…

Moving on, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people buy coats, jackets or skirts with splits but don’t cut the string that holds the split together before they wear it out. I was standing next to this lady waiting for the Bolt Bus on Tuesday and I just wanted to rip open the bottom of her coat… I just don’t understand how you get to be an adult without realizing this little cross stitch is made to be broken.

My friend Shayla told me she had a wool winter coat for 3 years and didn’t know it had pockets because she never cut the string. She was finally schooled by a co-worker while she was complaining about her coat with the faux pockets. She said she thought it was her penance for buying a coat on über clearance at Burlington…

Exhale.

What do they think that one little “X” stitch is for? If it breaks on its own, do they take it to the cleaners to have it repaired? Aren’t they even curious about why the coat or skirt has a closed split in the first place? I swear I wonder if these folks gloves are still attached to the matching scarf — just dangling around their necks…

I think if I were a superhero, my skill would be to swoop in on people undetected and cut the binding thread on their clothing garments. Maybe it wouldn’t make the world a better place, but it’d sure cut down on the number of times per day I wanted to shout at strangers… Which would be super.

#CutTheDamnString
#LetsStartAMovement
#OCD
#FeelFreeToJudgeMe

P.S. I will be headlining the DC Improv December 29-31. Come on down and ring in the New Year with me!!!

Ticket Info:
12/29 & 12/30: http://tinyurl.com/2et7aam

12/31 (NYE): http://tinyurl.com/27x59at

I heart my family

This past Saturday I was in Baltimore to open up the shows for my comedy homie Jason Weems‘ first DVD taping.

Me and Jason -- so proud of him!

As a lot of you know I have a very large family. 13 aunts and uncles and a whole heap (yes I really typed that) of cousins just on my dad’s side. And a bunch of my cousins — 6 of them — came out to the show. My cousins Martin, Margie, Marsha, Morris and Malynda (below) are all siblings.

I’m an only child but over the course of my childhood several of my cousins lived with us off and on. Morris (second from right) probably stayed with us the longest. And though he already had four sisters of his own, he got another one when he moved to Jersey.

That's Morris

I terrorized him. Once, I was being a brat before my school bus came to pick me up and I locked him in the basement and forgot. He missed work and there was no phone or TV or anything down there. It wasn’t a full basement. Just a storage freezer and a furnace. Poor thing. Another time I scratched his WHAM! Make It Big album — his prized possession at the time — when I wasn’t even supposed to touch it. I knew I was wrong so I volunteered to use my allowance money to buy him a new one. See, I wasn’t ALL bad. I could go on and on… We haven’t spent much time together since then — cause I was a kid and he was a grown ass man. So he still kinda views me as a bratty 8 year-old some 20+ years later. ;) It was so nice to have him there and see what I’m doing and what I’m like now as an adult. Such a treat to see him laughing.

My cousin Martin is an artist. He painted this abstract piece for me — see that’s me on a stage in a theater — and gave it to me after my show.

How sweet, right? I’m so happy to have a Martin Goggins original.

The older I get the more I appreciate my family and how supportive they are. And I want to make sure I do everything I can to support them in their endeavors. Thanks for all your love and support. You guys have no idea how much it means to me.

I love you guys!!!

I’m Bonnie, he’s Clyde

All I need in this life of sin…

I feel Jay and Bey on this one. Cause all I need in this life of sin… is me and my Santa Boo. Here is the 2010 photo of me and the love of my life:

If you’re new to the blog feel free to check out some of the other photos of me and SB over the years… And remember, you’re never too old for Santa.

Shut up, no you’re not.

Snuggie Doodle

No really, how cute is this??!?

One of my buddies I met thru Facebook is an illustrator and doodled this little cartoon of me wearing an Eagles-colored Snuggie, and telling my “I hope you don’t make it to the future” joke.

Super adorable, right? I mean, the Iggles, Snuggies and talking about people that shouldn’t make it to the future are three of my absolute favorite things… The only thing that could have made it more perfect is if I were standing in front of a CVS. Hahaha, maybe next time.

THANKS KATE!!!

Remember back when you laughed at me for having a (3) Snuggie(s)? My how far you’ve come!

Finding Your Purpose

I was sitting on the floor by my gate in the Philadelphia airport this morning when I saw a sight that surely would have buckled my knees had I been standing. There was a lady wearing one of those super high (higher than the one pictured) orthopedic shoes you wear when one of your legs is shorter than the other on one of her feet. And on the other foot… was a Skechers Shape Up. Now, I’ve always thought they looked like orthopedic shoes, but to see one paired up with an actual shoe lift was just too much.

If the Skechers marketing team was smart, they’d ditch the “they help you become fit and toned doing everyday stuff and hey Joe Montana wears them too” angle and press forward with the “perfect if you’re in an aircast or have a little leg” angle. Whether they realize it or not, it’s what that ugly ass shoe was put on this earth to do.

It’s time for Skechers Shape Ups to step into their destiny.

I really don’t have a lot more to say about that, other than I wish you — and by “you” I mean “every single one of you” — could have been there to see it.

It was pink. Did I mention it was pink?

OK, then. Bye.