My friend Karriem posted the photo below on his Facebook page with the caption,“Sugar, water and of course, purple.”
It made me laugh out loud for a couple reasons. First, there’s the obvious Sunny D vs. purple stuff reference from the commercials.
But secondly the caption is from one of my favorite bits from Dave Chappelle’s last stand-up special. Even if you’ve seen it before it’s still hilarious I promise:
Oh man… that was some funny stuff. I can remember watching this special on my friend Nikia’s sofa when it first came out because I don’t have Showtime. I have it on CD but haven’t listened to it in years. This makes me wanna dig it out of the crates :)
I’m gonna be honest. I don’t have much of an appreciation for national or regional landmarks, statues, etc. I live in Washington, D.C. and I pass by the monuments and museums everyday and I’m always like “Eh.” As I travel, I make it a point to go to all the neat touristy places I’m supposed to want to go, but I’m never excited by them.
A couple weeks ago, I went to Chicago for the first time. I stayed with my friend Montrelle and I loved, loved, loved the city. Check out the view he has from his balcony. This excited me.
You should have seen it at night...
When I was at his house, I spent most of my time out there. It was the perfect weekend. First time the weather broke for the spring. 70 degrees and sunny in April. Did I mention I loved it?
He also took me on an unofficial walking tour of the city. And don’t get me wrong, I was super grateful for it. He had worked all day and then walked miles with me. Took me to a great restaurant for dinner. He was an excellent host and guide. And the city was beautiful. But I just wasn’t as into the actual landmarks as I know I should have been. I made a quick little video. The audio’s not great b/c I left my video camera at home and had to shoot on my digital picture camera. But I think you’ll get the point.
A few days later I went to Missouri for a show at a college in Rolla, but I stopped off in St. Louis at the Gateway Arch because I’d never seen it. I called my Pop while I was there and he was like, “Well, what do you think?” And I was like, “Ummmm, it is definitely curvy. It’s making me hungry for McDonald’s french fries. I’m getting back in my car now.”
This is me in front of the Arch. You might not be able to tell because no one would take the photo for me. I had to do it myself and the angles… I thought Midwesterners were supposed to be nice.
Anyway, I was happy to have crossed the Arch off my list. But I didn’t feel fulfilled. People pack their families into station wagons and take vacations to see landmarks like this — well maybe not the Arch, but definitely the Grand Canyon, Mt. Rushmore… Is everyone secretly as unenthused as I am?
2. “King of Sorrow” – Sade (I’m crying everyone’s tears/And there inside our private war/I died the night before) Need I say more?
3. “Bruised But Not Broken” – Joss Stone (Doesn’t the title say it all?)
4. “I Told You So” – Randy Travis
5. “I Believe” – Stevie Wonder (In my version I just replace “with you” and “this time” with “next time” and it becomes a pretty hopeful song… or maybe I just love Wevie Stunder so much it doesn’t matter ;)
Well, those are my top 5. You guys have any other suggestions? I could use them right about now.
I mean if the movie Boomerang was real-life, I’m pretty sure my feet would have passed the Hammertime Test:
Don’t worry, I’m not gonna post a photo of them. I know how OPF(other people’s feet) gross some folks out — me included. But mine are cute. Not beautiful. Cute. They’re a little on the short side but they’re the right sizes in the right order and in the spring/summer, just TRY and catch me without a fresh pedi. Admittedly I slack off in the winter but since no one’s gonna see them and there’s no bedmate to complain about my heel spurs, I can afford to slack off a little.
I bring this whole topic up because it’s begun to get spring-ish in DC (which BTW means 75 degrees for like 3 days and then 99 degrees until October) and I broke out the sandals for the first time yesterday. I’m working at the DC Improv this weekend (Tickets still available here) and there was a woman in the front row last night who kept staring at my feet. She was so blatant that I had to stop talking and ask her, “Are you looking at my feet?” She said, “Yes.” She didn’t even look at me when she answered. She was still looking at my feet. And I felt a little awkward… I had gotten a French pedicure earlier in the day so my feet were fine, but audience members checking out my feet is something I’ve always been self-conscious about.
I remember fretting once because I didn’t have time to get a pedicure before a show and one of my guy friends was like, ” Oh please, E.Â You sound like such a diva.” But he didn’t understand that when I’m on stage, my feet are pretty much at eye level for the audience. And women especially will look another woman up and down and back up again before they give themselves permission to like her.Â I would hate to Google myself (yeah I do it and so do you) and see something like:
“Well she was aiight funny, but her feet was mad crusty, son!”
All my imaginary online hecklers/critics are from 1990’s New York.
But I digress.
I no longer feel embarrassed or diva-like for making it a point to have a fresh pedi when I’m performing. My boy Randy who was at the show last nite says that’s exactly why he polishes his shoes before he goes on stage. You gottaÂ eliminate as many petty reasons as you can for people not to enjoy the show. If you’re in the DC/MD/VA area and wanna catch a show and maybe check out my feet for yourself, come on down. The headliner, Ted Alexandro, is one of my favorite comedians working today. I even said so here and I’m super psyched to be working with him!
I didn’t think women were still “doing” knee highs and skirts.
This woman at Reagan National Airport proved me wrong.
Are you for real, lady?
Even if you hate pantyhose as I do, you just have to accept the fact that as a woman living in this society, you’re gonna have to wear things sometimes that aren’t comfortable. There is no excuse for this. I’m ashamed for her.
This edition of airplane venom contains no actual venom from me, rather it chronicles the hate a fellow passenger directed at a smarty-pants flight attendant on an American Eagle puddle jumper from Chicago to Baltimore.
After back-to-back mechanical problems and more than 2 hours on the tarmac, my flight from O’Hare back to BWI had to unload and board another plane. I pretty much slept throughout the whole ordeal so I really wasn’t too upset. I didn’t have anything pressing to do yesterday afternoon, plus I’d much rather deplane because of mechanical difficulties, than have them surface during the flight.
Can I get an Amen?
When we finally got settled on the new plane, the flight attendant, Mo, got on the intercom and said the following:
“Due to the late departure, screwdrivers will be free on this flight.”
You should have seen the faces of my fellow alcoholics passengers light up. Eyes began to water as tray tables came down. Gleeful whispers filled the cabin.
“Are you serious?” someone behind me shouted out.
She responded by giggling to herself as she walked back up the aisle and shaking her head “No.”
Way to take the air of the pressurized cabin, MO!
I thought it was hilarious but there was another passenger behind me who was feeling very “not-so-much-y” — if you know what I mean. “Save the jokes for Southwest, bitch. I just missed a connection.”
I think I stopped breathing for a second. I immediately took out my notebook. I wanted to savor this perfect comedic moment so that I could share it with all of you ;) Don’t fret, the next AV installment will most certainly feature a return to my plane rage. But for now…
The answer: Because I can’t. My condo was refurbished from an old apartment building, so while it’s super cute and all the appliances were new when I moved in, I don’t have central air/heat. We have window units and radiators…
So just open the radiator, Erin.
Again, good suggestion.
My response: I could do that, but no heat would come out. A few weeks ago after a brief warm spell our property management company turned off the heat for the spring. And we can’t turn it on again because we were robbed by our previous property management company and as of right now are working on suing them and replenishing the reserve money they stole from us. In short, we cannot currently afford to turn the heat back on.
Yes, that is very project-ish — especially considering I pay a mortgage and association fees… I should not have to sit in my house with my oven open…
But I’m doing it. And don’t you dare judge me… I’ll clean my oven when I thaw out.
Sure the hat and scarf may be a little overly dramatic — but that’s what I do.
There are other factors contributing to my freezing my butt off and this cold I can’t get rid of. Reasons I won’t get into here. But I have a neighbors who are sick and many of us are wearing full-on winter outfits around the house and to bed (don’t worry about how I know ;). I have to go into the studio tonight and shoot 3 radio segments — I can’t breathe through my nose and I sound like crap. I know I sound like I’m whining, and I don’t mean it to come off that way. I was going more for PISSED OFF!!! Thank goodness for my Snuggies –Â and the fact that my place isn’t very big. When I cook in the summer I often complain about how hot the place gets. Today there are no complaints.
My upstairs neighbor Rafeal laughed at me last week when I told him about my oven warming. He said he hadn’t heard about anyone doing that in years. Sure, I feel like I climbed right out of an episode of Good Times…
I know you don’t know him, but come on and admit it… You love him.
BFF Angi sent me this video of auntie’s baby playing with the toy I bought him for his very first birthday last month — the LeapFrog Learn and Groove Alphabet Drum(Thanks, Titi for the suggestion. He loves it!) It’s the cutest thing ever so I had to share it. He is getting so big!
Man, I can’t wait for BFF Michelle’s little bundle this summer. I’m not sure I’ll be able to take it! I HEART other people’s babies… I can’t wait to buy her kid a noisy ass toy!