You’re a mean one, Mr. Jackson

I caught Old Man Jackson posting his no trick-or-treat signs this evening. I knew he was on his way to hang them because he asked me if you spelled “treat” with an “e” and an “a” or two “e’s” because it didn’t look right to him. I should have told him it was the second way. Would have made for a much funnier photo. I’ve been calling him Mean Old Man Jackson all day and yelling out the window for people to get off his lawn. Even though there was no one on the lawn.

This one was taken from inside my Halloween Prison. Let me out, Scrooge!!! These kids’ costumes are so cute I just wanna go outside on the sneak tip and give them some Mentos out of my purse. I hope someone breaks me outta here.

Attica! Attica!

It’s Halloween, not Passover…

So, apparently it’s Halloween… Halloween has never been my “thing.” I was allowed to dress up 2 or 3 times when I was really little (I’ve seen a photo of me as a pumpkin and one as Strawberry Shortcake), but after that my parents explained to me that Halloween was not a “holiday” we were going to celebrate in our house. As Christians my folks believed that it wasn’t in keeping with their beliefs, so when I was old enough to understand that, Halloween went away. I don’t remember being bummed that I didn’t have a costume, but I didn’t like being one of the few kids that didn’t get to participate in the “Halloween Parade” around the blacktop during recess.

And of course I wanted to get candy. So my parents just bought me a pail full. But they didn’t give out candy to trick-or-treaters. In fact, my dad would put a sign to that effect on the door, turn off all the lights (outside and inside) and tell us to keep quiet so nobody knocked. And I’d always think: is he confusing Halloween with Passover? They’re kids dressed up like Batman and Wonder Woman. They’re not the angels of death…

I’ve never attended a costume party or even dressed up as an adult. It looks like fun, but at this point in my life, I look at it like weed or cigarettes — if I made it all the way to 33 without trying it, what’s really the point? This Halloween I’m at my folks’ house and I’m anxious to see how they handle it nowadays. If hilarity ensues, trust I will report it. Enjoy the cute kiddies, y’all!

My First Time

Guess who’s got a feature in the November 2011 Washingtonian Magazine? No, it’s not 80’s pop sensation Billy Ocean. Why would you guess that? It’s me! November was the “Work Issue” and one of the features was called “My First Time.” In it, they interviewed several people in different fields about transformative career “firsts.” So honored they chose me — and for a full page at that! One of the subjects was about a physician’s first time telling a parent their child had passed away… Heavy stuff. My first stand-up experience seems so trivial when compared to that. If you’re in or around DC pick one up. I really enjoyed reading all the interesting stories!

You can check out the article online here.

Gallagher’s wet dream

I had a show in Austin, TX a few weeks ago and got caught on the Interstate behind this truck. Notice how there is no grate or anything to hold up the watermelons. Dude was SPEEDING down the highway and I was trying my best to stay in front of him in case something happened and he had to hit the brakes quickly. All I kept thinking was: There’s gonna be a melon slide and I’m gonna get one caught underneath this rental car and I should have taken out the extra insurance and I bet this is how all of Gallagher’s wet dreams begin…

I ended up behind him at this toll booth, and after pulling off I was able to get around him. But I took this photo and posted it to Twitter as a #CaptionThis challenge and got some fun replies. Here are a few of them:

Can you think of any more? If so, feel free to leave a comment. And try not to be too sensitive. #SometimesStereotypesAreFunny

Quit breakin’ my heart

I am a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan.

Anyone who even halfway knows me, knows that. Many of y’all probably remember a few years back when I used to blog about every Philadelphia Eagles game. I called it the Happy Eagles/Sad Eagles Chronicles and I’d post a different photo along with the blog based upon whether we won or lost. I even had a regular late night call-in segment on WIP 610 in Philly…

But I had to stop doing that. Because I was so emotionally involved in their performance that a loss had the potential to ruin the next 3 or 4 days of my life. I bring all this up because I was scrolling thru some old posts and I found one from November 16, 2008 (the game where we tied the Bengals and McNabb didn’t know the overtime rules) where I wrote:

My mama always told me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say then I should say it loudly and enunciate. So here goes: I DON’T KNOW IF I’VE EVER BEEN THIS DISAPPOINTED IN AN EAGLES SEASON. And no, I’m not exaggerating. When we lost in the Superbowl, of course I was upset about that. But I didn’t feel that way all season. And during the seasons when McNabb was hurt, we knew early that it was gonna be a struggle to compete. I had no expectations. Anything good that happened was a pleasant surprise (i.e. Jeff Garcia). But this year with a healthy McNabb, the addition of Asante Samuel, the promise of DeSean Jackson… we had a 3-win streak a few weeks back and I was sooo excited about this team. But the manner in which we’ve lost the games we’ve lost this year has been hard to swallow. No shut-outs, no poundings… AND no 3rd down conversions… Just not doing the little things we need to do to get it done.

The radio show I was on Friday had a caller who was saying that Andy Reid should go because at some point, a team that’s not winning just stops hearing the coach. Perhaps that’s true. But I don’t think Andy Reid’s suspect play calling had anything to do with Donovan’s three interceptions and all those dropped passes. What we’re witnessing is a team losing faith in itself — not just their coach.

And it reminded me that at some point in every season I’ve felt exactly like I do now. But this year it feels a billion times worse because of all the big-name acquisitions we made and all the “Dream Team” hype (which I have ALWAYS believed is the kiss of death). This season it’s not just our losses that are blowing me — it’s how narrowly we’ve won the two games we won. After last week’s game Andy Reid’s usually brief presser was even briefer than normal. “We need to get better” is all he said. And at 1-4, it’s all he needed to say. Yes, we won this week, but you HAVE to get better, Iggles. ‘Cause my nerves can’t take this anymore. This is gonna be my final post about them for the season, but pray for me y’all.

Laziness saturation point

Yes, my fellow Americans. Someone thinks we’re this lazy:

And you know what? They’re probably right.

Tired of all that pesky bending at the waist business when you’re in the shower? Of COURSE you are. Well, bend no more. Easy Feet is here to save the day! A built-in pumice stone, bristles and suction cups that stick to the shower floor?… And here I thought advertising college in your pajamas was bad. One of my Facebook friends posted this yesterday and I was so angry at him for making me aware that this existed. I am also angry at whomever invented this product, the focus group that told he/she it was a good and necessary idea, anyone who has purchased it, and the stores that carry it. CVS better not be in on this…

I think this contraption constitutes the laziness saturation point — unless someone creates a body-sized loofah that you can soap up and stick to a shower wall or roll around on in a jacuzzi. Don’t steal that. It’s mine you lazy bastards. If you’re not insulted that someone thinks you might be lazy enough to purchase this, something might be seriously wrong with you.

Gotta go now. Time for my midday nap.

Marriage and mean mugs

I went home to Jersey this weekend to attend my friend Keisha’s wedding. So. much. fun. She was a gorgeous bride! And on top of seeing one of my oldest friends marry her Prince Charming, all my best girlfriends from high school were there. We’re all so spread out: Tennessee, Texas, Jersey, Virginia. The six of us hadn’t all been together since another wedding 8 years ago. Crazy.

I stayed with BFF Michelle and her husband and of course their daughter (my goddaughter) Maia. She just turned 2 in August. And I love when kids start developing their little personalities. She’s so much fun now. Spunky just like her mom. The first night I got there, we watched Toy Story 3. This is us holding hands during the scene where the toys are headed for the furnace.

After that, we had a mean mug contest:

I’m pretty sure I won, but she got more votes I think because of the cuteness factor.

We played dress-up too, but she wasn’t too happy about it. Haha. She made this sad mug on her own.

All in all, I had a great weekend! My girl Dionne and I are the only two in the group who are still single. Hope she ties the knot soon cause if we have to wait til my wedding to see each other again… well, Lord only knows… ;) Anyways, congrats to the new Mr. & Mrs. Barnes!!! I wish you a life full of love and happiness and more babies for me to ice grill, dress up, and love up on. LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!! Muah!