Damn those Internet hoaxes

So this would have been the greatest story ever – the stuff comedians live for… Puffy suing Proactiv (which he endorses) for not “preserving his sexy.” Some of you may have heard about this earlier in the week. He was supposedly suing them for $1.5 million for failing to remove the bumps from his face. And Proactiv supposedly countered with the argument that the amount of Diet Pepsi he drinks neutralizes the product’s effectiveness… Now in retrospect, I realize how crazy it sounds, but this is not beyond the realm of possibility for Puff. As rich as he is, he’s done some pretty “unsmart” things in the past. And I mean, he’s gotta recoup the money from all those failed attempts at Making the Band somehow… I was hoping it was true, but it turned out to be an April Fool’s joke. Damn, Damn, Damn…

I’ll take Potpourri for $200, Alec

Yeah, so I don’t have a lot to say today, but the incomparable Larry Poon told me that I should update my journal more often, so here goes…
 
Pt. 1 – Garanimals

I didn’t realize they still made Garanimals. I wonder why they never made them for adults??? Life was so much easier when all you had to do was roll out of bed, match up your Charlie the Chimp tops and bottoms and head out the door. I think it’s time we petition for adult Garanimals. It would save tons of time in the mornings, we could all sleep in a little later… I think it’d be cool if they added a Big & Tall Garanimals line too, cuz how funny would it be to hear a 6’4″ 300-pound man ask, “Honey, have you seen my Paulie the Panda’s? We have that thing with my boss tonite and I really want to look sharp…”

What if it really caught on? Can you imagine what it’d be like on the red carpet at the Oscars?
 
Interviewer: Beyonce, you look fabulous! Who are you wearing?
 
Beyonce: Oh this? this is Lisa the Llama… and I set it off with a Mindy the Mink stole and some Gina the Gator pumps…

That would be hot.

Pt. 2 – Rolling briefcases

I think people who use rolling briefcases on the subways should be arrested. Really, if you’ve got so much work that you need a wheelbarrow to carry it all, you should quit your job — or at least drive there. I’m sick of people rolling over my toes, tripping me up and making me miss trains because they’re dragging their luggage thru the subway station. And hey, if you absolutely must roll your bag around, learn to be OK with the fact that you look like an idiot. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I look at you like you’re crazy. You’re the lazy one, not me.

Am I funny in the Midwest?

That’s the question I was asking myself all week. Now that I’m starting to book more shows outside of the east coast I’ve been curious as to how my people in different regions of the country will respond to my comedy. Everyone in the business tells you that to hone your skills, “you gotta work the road” but like most things that’s a catch-22… How do I set myself up to be able to work the road without the flexibility of being a full-time comic and vice versa?

To that end, I went to Columbus, Ohio on Tuesday to showcase for a booker there. Good buddy Vince Morris was in town with his touring partners from the SELLOUT tour and he ended up hosting the show, so it made me a little less nervous. I went up second and the crowd was great. There was this one lady in the front row that I would actually pay if she would come to every show I did from now ’til forever. She had the most awesome laugh… Anyway, there were three other comics showcasing as well and we really had a great time. Everyone did great. Check out Lamar Williams, Jesse Joyce and Josh Alton when you have the chance… Three stand-up guys… ha ha ha… get it? I think that you do… Well, I passed the audition, which is great, so that’s one more chain of clubs down and Lord-knows-how-many to go. After we left the club, a bunch of us went and bumrushed a show at Ohio State — I’m sorry — THE Ohio State University. We had a ball.  It was an awesome 19 hours all in all, but it did start my mind a-spinnin’.

So it’s my birthday, right…

And while I am grateful to have made it thru another year, I always dread this day because I know that inevitably there will be a disaster of some sort. Today started off great. My parents drove up to take me out to a very nice lunch and I almost fooled myself into believing that this was the birthday that was going to break the curse… But after being out all afternoon, I needed to use the restroom. We were almost back at my house, so I thought everything was cool. But when we got home, my mom went into the bathroom first. No problem, I can wait… WELL, while she was in there she apparently locked the door for some reason and then pulled it tight behind her… So now I can’t get into the bathroom. 7 years I’ve lived in the same apartment, I have NEVER locked myself out of the bathroom. My dad tells me to go get my tool box — which incidentally is a ZIPLOCK bag with a hammer and three rusty screwdrivers in it — and after about 20 minutes of fiddling with it (we took the doorknob off, etc.) we realize that we’re gonna have to call a locksmith to get into the bathroom.

So now I’m like OK… this is my birthday disaster. I can deal with this. So while we’re waiting for the locksmith, I go into the kitchen to finish off my birthday cake from lunch and I notice some water dripping from the ceiling. I run upstairs to my neighbor and find out that her washing machine is leaking into my cabinets… FABULOUS… The after-hours maintenance guy from my apartment complex basically insinuates that it’s my fault that my neighbor’s washing machine is leaking. “Did you tell her to turn the washing machine off?” he asks… Really? Is that how you’re going to solve this problem, cuz I didn’t think of that one. I told her to just finish her “whites” and we’ll worry about my groceries later…. PUHLEEEZ. Then we (and by “we” I mean my mom) ended up having to pay $85 for a locksmith to let me into my bathroom so I could do what you do in a bathroom… I’ll tell you what. This rivals the $85 I spent on that cheeseburger on the Jersey Turnpike (see earlier entry) and the infamous “Spider/broken glasses/ripped contact lens/overflowing toilet story” that many of you know so well. It just keeps on getting better.

Happy Birthday to me.

Missed connections

OK, so a girl I work with just turned me on to the “Missed Connections” section of Craigslist. How have I gone this long without knowing about this? Someone, please explain. In case you didn’t know about it either, “Missed Connections” is a section of the site where people can post messages for people they saw in passing that they thought were interesting or really hot – but didn’t get the chance to speak to – in hopes that that person is a pathetic loser too — Ooops, did I say that?

Anyway, this guy she saw on the train posted a missed connection for her and she saw it. Now they’re in love. Well, not really… Anywhoo, at first I thought it was really lame that people actually check this thing regularly hoping that someone is secretly longing for them, but then I realized that for a single homebody like me, this is the perfect way to find a date. I mean, maybe the poster isn’t looking for me per se, but if I have some similar characteristics to the person they are looking for, I figure it can’t hurt to reply, right?
 
Poster: Cute Blonde at Krispy Kreme in Dupont:
You were gorgeous. You asked if I was in line… You were wearing a black coat, had short blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail. Your emerald green eyes and your lips were stunning. Care to do lunch sometime?
 
Me: Hmmm, I’m kinda cute… I have lips… AND eyes. They’re not green, I’m not blonde and I’ve never been to that Krispy Kreme, but I do have a black coat. I should write him back. Maybe he just got that other stuff wrong… I love lunch.

Yay Cragslist!

K Street

Being that I’m a huge news junkie and a former CNN employee, I was super excited when I ran into James Carville on K street this morning on my way to the bank. We talked for a long time… He caught me up on all the Hill gossip and told me about some of the dirty little tricks the Democrats have up their sleeves for ’08, and I clued him in on what was going on in the DC Comedy scene and who does the best Clinton and Bush impressions. We laughed and laughed and laughed. A good time was had by all…

OK, maybe that didn’t happen, but I didn’t really have a whole lot to say about this and I wanted to beef up this entry.

I met James Carville today.

THE END

Issues

twins

I’m sure some of you have seen these two cutie pies on TV — the fraternal twin girls who were born to two bi-racial British parents — only one of them got all the White genes and the other got all the Black genes… They are ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS but they are going to have some ISH-OOOZ… I mean despite all the “progress” that’s been made, these little girls will likely spend their entire lives dealing first-hand with the harsh realities of bigotry and racism and racial perception… Lucky for them their parents had the smarts to dress them in matching sundresses (see 2/17 entry). Maybe now no one will notice…