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You know how when people first become parents, they say things like, “I never thought I could love something so much…”
 
Well, that’s how I feel about my new sofa. I liked it in the store, but when it got to my house,,, damn. I am sooooo in love! Now, I know it’s not everyone’s taste. It’s green velvet, but it’s mine and I love it. I asked one of my girlfriends what she thought about it and she started grasping for words the way you do when a good friend shows you a picture of their ugly baby. “Well, it’ll really set the room off,” she said. “This isn’t what I was expecting at all.” It was clear what she meant, but it didn’t change the way I feel about my sofa. It is beautiful.
 
I was having kind of a rough week, so one of my girls dragged me out to the club last nite. There was a concert going on, but I hate crowds so we stood in the back. We were standing next to this group of people — three girls and a guy. And one of the girls was a pretty big — larger than me, and I only mention that b/c it’s relevant. All three of them were pretty short and her one girlfriend was like, damn, I can’t see the stage… So what does my plus-sized sista do???… She grabs her friend around the waist and LIFTS HER UP OFF THE GROUND so she can see the stage.
 
WHAT?

Me and my friend and the rest of the people standing by us just kinda looked awkwardly around at each other like, “Did you just SEE that?” I mean, so what you weigh twice as much as your girlfriends. No self-respecting big girl should EVER do anything like that. According to our rulebook, there are some things you can use the advantage of your extra pounds for… like, you can sit on top of your girl’s suitcase if she’s having trouble zipping it and stuff like that… but picking up another grown ass human being like some swollen version of She-Ra… Unacceptable. I felt like I should pull her aside and be like, “Girlfriend. Have some pride,” but I couldn’t. I was paralyzed.

YAY! So tonite the NBA finals begin, and Dallas vs. Miami is gonna be a pretty good series if you ask me. Dwyane Wade is the truth. He’s gotten a lot of recognition this season, but I still think he’s a little underrated. The Knicks are and have always been my team (MAN, that’s hard to even type) but I hope Miami wins… Even if Pat Riley is a traitor, Shaq needs another ring. (HA! J/K). Steve McNair was traded to the Ravens yesterday. I have a crush on him, so I hope he passes the physical.

OK, so if you’re a disillusioned Republican or right-leaning independent who’s fooled into renewing your support for Dubya based on the resurgence of this whole gay marriage amendment issue, well… then you’re an idiot… and this blog is probably lost on you anyway.

Sigh… How dumb do these West-Wingers think we are? We’ve got a war that’s out of control, soaring fuel costs, the CIA has its nose all up in our business, hurricane season is back and we’ve yet to take care of last year’s debacle… but we’re supposed to just forget about all that and get behind Bush because he doesn’t like it when boys kiss. Give me a break!

Twenty-nine percent. That’s a failure by any measure. I can’t believe the White House even cares about boosting the president’s approval rating. He’s never cared about approval before… Exhale

Voicemail for the homeless?

On to other things that anger me just a tiny bit less… I picked up the Washington Post Express in the train station this morning and I came across an article entitled, “Homeless, Poor Eligible for Voice-Mail.” WHAT? Apparently, the DC government has made 350 voicemail accounts available to low income and homeless people in the District so that they can have contact numbers for when they go on job interviews, etc… Now, while I believe homeless people have the right to be as accessible as the rest of us, I think what homeless people need – maybe even more than voicemail – are HOMES. Couldn’t we maybe try and help them out with that one first? I mean how much money could 350 voicemail boxes really have cost the city? And whose brilliant idea was this?

Government Guy 1: What can we do to help homeless people?

Government Guy 2: Well, we could create some temporary, subsidized housing, work incentive programs — help them get off the streets and out of the shelters…

Government Guy 1: No Guy 2, that’s short-sighted. What poor people REALLY need… is voicemail…

Government Guy 2: OK… if you say so, but how and where will they access it?

Government Guy 1: DUH, Guy 2. They can take the quarters out of their tin cups and use pay phones…

I do realize that was an awful long way to go for such a lackluster punchline, but y’all get the picture…

So I haven’t written an entry in about three weeks… In that time, I’ve bought my first home and moved into it, suffered thru the flu and a sinus infection, flown to Georgia to be in a wedding, rekindled an old romance and mastered the public transportation system on the south side of the city.

What I have not done is write any new jokes.

Not one.
 
I’ve never gone more than 4 or 5 days without getting up and I feel like I’ve been away for years. So I gotta get back in the swing. The world is waiting… kinda? OK, well maybe not, but even in all the excitement that’s going on, I feel like the biggest part of me is missing, so as of tonite, I am officially back on the scene. You’re welcome. See y’all soon.

I went to see Akeelah and the Bee this afternoon. What a great movie! Akeelah was a little girl from a single parent household in South Central LA who dreamed of winning the National Spelling Bee, and who do they get to be her spelling coach?… IKE TURNER! Who KNEW Ike had such an extensive vocabulary? Her mother, Anna Mae, was totally anti-spelling bee… but as usual, Ike was able to ‘change her mind.’ Tre, Doughboy and the other boyz n the hood helped Akeelah prepare for the bee and in the end Morris Chestnut gets shot… Oh wait… I mean, Akeelah is victorious. HOORAY!
 
If you were able to follow this entry, you should seek help. In short, any movie with Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett is a winner in my book. Go see this movie!

So I’m working at the DC Improv this weekend with Louis C.K. and Andy Campbell. Andy and I have worked together before. He’s a great comic and an awesome guy, and Louis C.K., well what can you say? He’s amazing, AND he’s behind probably one of my favorite characters of the late 90’s… Pootie Tang. Honestly, I still have a hotmail address… sadatay1@hotmail.com, after Pootie Tang’s signature line. Also, I’d like to point out how appropriate the title of my 4/25 entry was, considering the fact that I’m working with Louis C.K… The shows have been great up to this point and we’ve still got one more to go, but the highlight of the weekend was meeting Chris Rock… He stopped by to hang out with Louis while I was on stage last nite, and when I walked back into the greenroom I almost lost my breath. No way to play that one off at all :) He didn’t end up doing any time, but just getting to talk to him for the short time I did was amazing. I’ve seen him perform live before and I’ve been a fan since…… forever….. but I never imagined meeting Chris Rock and ME being a comedian. Man…..

And if that wasn’t awesome enough, XM Radio has been taping all weekend and Andy is shooting his DVD, so I’ll be able to get all my audio on CD and great video footage of all my sets… PLUS I still get paid to do this… What could be better?

I understand that I live in the hood, but there are some things that are even too hood for the hood. On Saturday afternoon – no lie – I saw a Cadillac creeping down a major street in my neighborhood with pictures of ice cream and popsicles all over the doors and panels… I didn’t actually see the driver selling any candy or ice cream, but I can only assume he was driving around with the intent to distribute. I watch Law and Order. You can go to jail for that.

Now, maybe he’s the regular Ice Cream Man and his white van was in the shop, but there have got to be some vendor restrictions that prohibit people from just turning any old car into an ice cream truck. Selling Rocket Pops out of an old Caddy is not just unsanitary, it’s a little creepy. Plus, how in the hell does he keep all his goodies frozen while he drives around all day? I have a hard time keeping my ground beef frozen if I make more than one stop on the way home from the grocery store.
 
All that to say, if you happen to see one of these Ice Cream Caddy’s in your neighborhood, report it to the police, or at least the health department. You don’t want to be responsible for your kids getting turned out by a Popsicle Pimp.