awesome stuff | Erin Jackson | Stand-Up Comedian

Future World Champ

There are some things I’m modest about. Others, not so much.

But lately the thing I’ve found myself most proud of are my AMAZING (and I do mean A-MAAAAY-ZING) parallel parking skills. I promise you I can parallel park in a spot that’s literally too small for my car and still have 3 inches of space in the front and back (and by ‘literally’ of course I mean, I’m a comedian and prone to exaggeration). I secretly love to be in the car with someone who is a poor parallel parker because there’s always a chance they’ll ask me to help them get into a spot.

On more than one occasion, I’ve pulled my car into a particularly tight space on my way to meet friends, and then forced them to come back outside with me and see what a good job I did. I know it’s a disease. I feel like Rain Man… “I’m really an excellent parker. Dad let me drive slow on the driveway.”

But I really am good.

Almost two years ago, I moved into the place I live in now and it’s a one-way street. At first I found it challenging. Why, you ask? Well because I was a much better parallel parker on the right side of the street than on the left… Though I’m sure that even then, I was a better left-side-of-the-street parallel parker than any of you reading this.

Did I mention that I’m also a really big shit talker?

Anyway, the one-way street parking has only enhanced my skills–and what will one day (I’m sure) be a legendary career in parallel parking. Really. There are sports for so many ridiculous things. Why shouldn’t I be able to park competitively? Maybe not in 2012, but I’m gonna petition for that in the 2016 Olympic games for sure. Curling? What?Â Parking is where it’s at, son.

EJ. Future World Parking Champ. Out.

Now THIS is a comment… Read and learn

Yes, another double dose of blognificence. I couldn’t not share… This is a priceless comment left on a story on The New Republic’s site that I found on the Atlantic’s site… Oh whatever. The post was about the large turnoutÂ in the Hawaii caucus.Â Enjoy.

This just goes to show that Obama only wins in states that hold contested elections. Sure, he wins big in caucus states, he wins big in primary states, he wins big when turnout is low, and he wins big with record-high turnout. But what the Obama-worshipping media is overlooking is that in each of the 25 state contests Obama has won so far, his name appeared on the ballot. It’s time to stop giving Obama a pass on this critical issue.

Remember, if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination, Barack Obama’s name will not be on the ballot in November. And only Hillary Clinton has demonstrated that she can win when Obama’s name is not on the ballot. In fact, she’s undefeated in contests where Obama is not on the ballot, making her clearly the more electable general-election candidate.

Source

I’m gonna need you to explain that insult before I beat your…

Have you ever had someone shout an insult at you, and you knew it was bad, but you also had no idea what the heck it meant?… I was listening to a prank CD–I’ll Slap You to Sleep–by buddy and hilarious comedian Roy Wood, Jr. of roywoodjr.com…suckas, and I heard an 87 year-old woman refer to the woman who set her up for the prank as a “Shit house shorty”… wait I’m sorry an “International shit house shorty.” Huh? Roy didn’t know either.

Clearly the use of the word ‘shit’ lets me know it was an insult, but what kind of insult? I’m guessing it wasn’t racial. Doesn’t sound like she’s calling her a ho. Is this equivalent to the ‘b’ word? Is it aÂ jab about this woman’s mama or her kids?

If someone said this to me, for real, I’d be like could you please explain that random ass insult as I’d like to know exactly why I’m headed to jail. I don’t wanna be explaining myself to the cops like, “Well yeah I hit the old lady. No, I’m not sure what it means. When do I get to call my mama?” I wanna at least be able to rile up someone behind me… “But what would you have done, officer? She called me a shit house shorty. I mean, what other option did I have?” Random.

Also random is the response I got from someone I didn’t know about the blog I posted yesterday. I thought only my friends read this blog. Hahaha… This Internet thing is WILD. Anyway, apparently she confused erinjackson.net for MSNBC and wanted to set me straight on a few issues… I’m glad she found the blog however she found it, and I’m glad she left a comment because now I can tell the rest of you about it and laugh. I’m not in the habit of commenting on the blogs of people I don’t know or haven’t met… unless its like a major blog like the Daily Dish or something like that. Anyways, hope y’all have a good weekend. I’m off to Ocala, Florida tomorrow to kick it with the gators and the wild horses… Y’all remember my boy Frank I met last year while I was down there…

Holler at you on the other side. Jackson, out.

Everywhere is war

Happy Birthday Bob!

Y’all thought I forgot. Never never ever. Every year (check for yourself) I make sure to acknowledge Bob Marley’s birthday. He is my No. 1 most favoritest musician of all time. (Stevie is No. 1 and a half.)

A lot has been made–I’ve posted it on this blog–about the video and song Will.i.am put together based on Barack Obama’s speech after the New Hampshire primary. It was/is awesome. But in case you weren’t aware, Bob Marley did the same thing decades ago with one of his most powerful songs ever — WAR. The lyrics for that song were taken directly from a speech Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie made before the United Nations. The lyrics are as follows — and they ring as true today as ever:

Until the philosophy which hold one race
Superior and another inferior
Is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned
Everywhere is war, me say war

That until there are no longer first class
And second class citizens of any nation
Until the color of a man’s skin
Is of no more significance than the color of his eyes
Me say war

That until the basic human rights are equally
Guaranteed to all, without regard to race
Dis a war

That until that day
The dream of lasting peace, world citizenship
Rule of international morality
Will remain in but a fleeting illusion
To be pursued, but never attained
Now everywhere is war, war

And until the ignoble and unhappy regimes
That hold our brothers in Angola, in Mozambique,
South Africa sub-human bondage
Have been toppled, utterly destroyed
Well, everywhere is war, me say war

War in the east, war in the west
War up north, war down south
War, war, rumors of war

And until that day, the African continent
Will not know peace, we Africans will fight

We find it necessary and we know we shall win
As we are confident in the victory

Of good over evil, good over evil, good over evil
Good over evil, good over evil, good over evil

***Here is a link to the complete original speech, in case you’re interested.***

Comics make the best hecklers

I posted thisÂ video like aÂ couple years agoÂ onÂ my site, and I just came across it again on youtubeÂ and had to re-post for those of you who missed it the first time orÂ would likeÂ to see it again. Jamie Foxx made me want to cry for this dude. Poor Mo’Nique was trying not to clown… and Guy Torry… As I said before, don’t let the Oscar fool you… Jamie is and will always be a comic. Excuse me while I try to get my breath back. ENJOY ;)

And I thought myspace was bad

I did everything I could to prevent this.

I stayed away from Friendster and Facebook and Linked In and every other social networking site. I only had time and space for one Internet addiction–and Myspace was it. But then my best girlfriend Keisha and my boy Antonio–both fellow Howard University alum–kidnapped and tortured me and forced me to sign up for Bisonroundup.com, a social networking site just for Howard University graduates. For weeks I had been ignoring requests from all kinds of people asking me to join. And I was doing fine… But today I was bullied into visiting the site, and I haven’t been able to get off.

Everyone on the site is either someone I know or someone I would pretty much consider family (that’s how HBCU alumni are). It’s so great to see what everyone is up to. It highlights fellow alum who are doing amazing things in their careers and communities… And even with all that awesomeness I feel like someone needs to stop this. I can see right now, thousands of intelligent, ambitious beautiful young Black folks are going to lose their jobs because they’re spending all day on the Internet reminiscing about how much we still love it when the Showtime Marching Band plays that Cameo song at the football games (Heeeeeeeeeey…. you talking out the side of ya neck) or how some of us almost didn’t graduate because we didn’t pass Beginning Swimming. It really is a shame.

Damn you Bisonroundup creator. Damn you.

When life was good

Stop laughing. These jeans are one of my most prized posessions. Size 10 Levis 900 series stonewashed (to death) with original art by one of my favorite girlfriends from middle/high school Tamika Harris (where ARE you, girl?) Any one of my girls from Jersey will absolutely remember these jeans. They were my pride and joy, y’all. People sweated me (yes, I said it) so hard whenever I wore these.

You may be thinking, “With so many colors what did you wear with those jeans, EJ?” The answer? Whatever the heck I wanted to. Everything matched … or didn’t match. Just think Bernie Mac on Def Jam (y’all KNOW you know what I’m talking about). Let me break down for you what is really going on here:

On the front side: You’ve got Donald (or some other) Duck going down the left leg, and on the right leg, you have my name (I was ‘E-Jay’ back then – plain old initials were for suckas). Look closely, it’s a little difficult to read but you’ll see it in a second.

On the back side: You have a Black Minnie and Mickey Mouse playing with alphabet blocks. Why? Who cares? It was dope. It was the late 80’s (or early 90’s I guess) and I was soooooooooo fly. Continue reading →

Good for you or the WGA hates puppies

The Angel on my right shoulder says: Wow, the Writers Guild is gangsta. No Golden Globes? I never thought it’d go so long. As an aspiring writer, I know if I were in the Guild and I didn’t see a dime from work that was making other people rich, I’d be pissed too. Good for you for sticking in there. I hope that you get what you deserve. Haha! When has anybody ever said “I hope you get what you deserve” and meant it in a positive way? I think maybe that was the very first time.

I am kinda sad that I’m gonna miss seeing the red carpet and all the teary-eyed acceptance speeches. But I must say I’m impressed that the actors have refused to cross the picket lines. They’re supposed to be selfish and vain. It’s kinda refreshing.

Long live the WGA.

The devil on my left shoulder says: The WGA hates bald eagles, and apple pie, and baseball, and Doritos, and puppies — everything that makes this country great. I rushed to the movies to see all the major contenders over the last month or so. I was prepared. I saw No Country for Old Men, The Great Debaters, Juno, The Kite Runner¦ just so I could have an opinion come Golden Globe night! How dare they? How could they be so selfish and vain? I spent nearly $100 on movie tickets, theatre parking, and snacks over the past month and ALL I GET is some bootleg NBC newscast of winners’ names? This blows… No Denzel in a tux? No smart ass acceptance speech from cute little Ellen Page? (You know she’s gonna win). No text messaging my girl Angi about how fabulous Queen Latifah looks? (It’s inevitable).

I hate the WGA.