You know how when people first become parents, they say things like, “I never thought I could love something so much…”
Well, that’s how I feel about my new sofa. I liked it in the store, but when it got to my house,,, damn. I am sooooo in love! Now, I know it’s not everyone’s taste. It’s green velvet, but it’s mine and I love it. I asked one of my girlfriends what she thought about it and she started grasping for words the way you do when a good friend shows you a picture of their ugly baby. “Well, it’ll really set the room off,” she said. “This isn’t what I was expecting at all.” It was clear what she meant, but it didn’t change the way I feel about my sofa. It is beautiful.
I was having kind of a rough week, so one of my girls dragged me out to the club last nite. There was a concert going on, but I hate crowds so we stood in the back. We were standing next to this group of people — three girls and a guy. And one of the girls was a pretty big — larger than me, and I only mention that b/c it’s relevant. All three of them were pretty short and her one girlfriend was like, damn, I can’t see the stage… So what does my plus-sized sista do???… She grabs her friend around the waist and LIFTS HER UP OFF THE GROUND so she can see the stage.

Me and my friend and the rest of the people standing by us just kinda looked awkwardly around at each other like, “Did you just SEE that?” I mean, so what you weigh twice as much as your girlfriends. No self-respecting big girl should EVER do anything like that. According to our rulebook, there are some things you can use the advantage of your extra pounds for… like, you can sit on top of your girl’s suitcase if she’s having trouble zipping it and stuff like that… but picking up another grown ass human being like some swollen version of She-Ra… Unacceptable. I felt like I should pull her aside and be like, “Girlfriend. Have some pride,” but I couldn’t. I was paralyzed.

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