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OK, so if you’re a disillusioned Republican or right-leaning independent who’s fooled into renewing your support for Dubya based on the resurgence of this whole gay marriage amendment issue, well… then you’re an idiot… and this blog is probably lost on you anyway.

Sigh… How dumb do these West-Wingers think we are? We’ve got a war that’s out of control, soaring fuel costs, the CIA has its nose all up in our business, hurricane season is back and we’ve yet to take care of last year’s debacle… but we’re supposed to just forget about all that and get behind Bush because he doesn’t like it when boys kiss. Give me a break!

Twenty-nine percent. That’s a failure by any measure. I can’t believe the White House even cares about boosting the president’s approval rating. He’s never cared about approval before… Exhale

Voicemail for the homeless?

On to other things that anger me just a tiny bit less… I picked up the Washington Post Express in the train station this morning and I came across an article entitled, “Homeless, Poor Eligible for Voice-Mail.” WHAT? Apparently, the DC government has made 350 voicemail accounts available to low income and homeless people in the District so that they can have contact numbers for when they go on job interviews, etc… Now, while I believe homeless people have the right to be as accessible as the rest of us, I think what homeless people need – maybe even more than voicemail – are HOMES. Couldn’t we maybe try and help them out with that one first? I mean how much money could 350 voicemail boxes really have cost the city? And whose brilliant idea was this?

Government Guy 1: What can we do to help homeless people?

Government Guy 2: Well, we could create some temporary, subsidized housing, work incentive programs — help them get off the streets and out of the shelters…

Government Guy 1: No Guy 2, that’s short-sighted. What poor people REALLY need… is voicemail…

Government Guy 2: OK… if you say so, but how and where will they access it?

Government Guy 1: DUH, Guy 2. They can take the quarters out of their tin cups and use pay phones…

I do realize that was an awful long way to go for such a lackluster punchline, but y’all get the picture…

So I haven’t written an entry in about three weeks… In that time, I’ve bought my first home and moved into it, suffered thru the flu and a sinus infection, flown to Georgia to be in a wedding, rekindled an old romance and mastered the public transportation system on the south side of the city.

What I have not done is write any new jokes.

Not one.
 
I’ve never gone more than 4 or 5 days without getting up and I feel like I’ve been away for years. So I gotta get back in the swing. The world is waiting… kinda? OK, well maybe not, but even in all the excitement that’s going on, I feel like the biggest part of me is missing, so as of tonite, I am officially back on the scene. You’re welcome. See y’all soon.

I went to see Akeelah and the Bee this afternoon. What a great movie! Akeelah was a little girl from a single parent household in South Central LA who dreamed of winning the National Spelling Bee, and who do they get to be her spelling coach?… IKE TURNER! Who KNEW Ike had such an extensive vocabulary? Her mother, Anna Mae, was totally anti-spelling bee… but as usual, Ike was able to ‘change her mind.’ Tre, Doughboy and the other boyz n the hood helped Akeelah prepare for the bee and in the end Morris Chestnut gets shot… Oh wait… I mean, Akeelah is victorious. HOORAY!
 
If you were able to follow this entry, you should seek help. In short, any movie with Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett is a winner in my book. Go see this movie!

So I’m working at the DC Improv this weekend with Louis C.K. and Andy Campbell. Andy and I have worked together before. He’s a great comic and an awesome guy, and Louis C.K., well what can you say? He’s amazing, AND he’s behind probably one of my favorite characters of the late 90’s… Pootie Tang. Honestly, I still have a hotmail address… sadatay1@hotmail.com, after Pootie Tang’s signature line. Also, I’d like to point out how appropriate the title of my 4/25 entry was, considering the fact that I’m working with Louis C.K… The shows have been great up to this point and we’ve still got one more to go, but the highlight of the weekend was meeting Chris Rock… He stopped by to hang out with Louis while I was on stage last nite, and when I walked back into the greenroom I almost lost my breath. No way to play that one off at all :) He didn’t end up doing any time, but just getting to talk to him for the short time I did was amazing. I’ve seen him perform live before and I’ve been a fan since…… forever….. but I never imagined meeting Chris Rock and ME being a comedian. Man…..

And if that wasn’t awesome enough, XM Radio has been taping all weekend and Andy is shooting his DVD, so I’ll be able to get all my audio on CD and great video footage of all my sets… PLUS I still get paid to do this… What could be better?

I understand that I live in the hood, but there are some things that are even too hood for the hood. On Saturday afternoon – no lie – I saw a Cadillac creeping down a major street in my neighborhood with pictures of ice cream and popsicles all over the doors and panels… I didn’t actually see the driver selling any candy or ice cream, but I can only assume he was driving around with the intent to distribute. I watch Law and Order. You can go to jail for that.

Now, maybe he’s the regular Ice Cream Man and his white van was in the shop, but there have got to be some vendor restrictions that prohibit people from just turning any old car into an ice cream truck. Selling Rocket Pops out of an old Caddy is not just unsanitary, it’s a little creepy. Plus, how in the hell does he keep all his goodies frozen while he drives around all day? I have a hard time keeping my ground beef frozen if I make more than one stop on the way home from the grocery store.
 
All that to say, if you happen to see one of these Ice Cream Caddy’s in your neighborhood, report it to the police, or at least the health department. You don’t want to be responsible for your kids getting turned out by a Popsicle Pimp.

So this would have been the greatest story ever – the stuff comedians live for… Puffy suing Proactiv (which he endorses) for not “preserving his sexy.” Some of you may have heard about this earlier in the week. He was supposedly suing them for $1.5 million for failing to remove the bumps from his face. And Proactiv supposedly countered with the argument that the amount of Diet Pepsi he drinks neutralizes the product’s effectiveness… Now in retrospect, I realize how crazy it sounds, but this is not beyond the realm of possibility for Puff. As rich as he is, he’s done some pretty “unsmart” things in the past. And I mean, he’s gotta recoup the money from all those failed attempts at Making the Band somehow… I was hoping it was true, but it turned out to be an April Fool’s joke. Damn, Damn, Damn…

Yeah, so I don’t have a lot to say today, but the incomparable Larry Poon told me that I should update my journal more often, so here goes…
 
Pt. 1 – Garanimals

I didn’t realize they still made Garanimals. I wonder why they never made them for adults??? Life was so much easier when all you had to do was roll out of bed, match up your Charlie the Chimp tops and bottoms and head out the door. I think it’s time we petition for adult Garanimals. It would save tons of time in the mornings, we could all sleep in a little later… I think it’d be cool if they added a Big & Tall Garanimals line too, cuz how funny would it be to hear a 6’4″ 300-pound man ask, “Honey, have you seen my Paulie the Panda’s? We have that thing with my boss tonite and I really want to look sharp…”

What if it really caught on? Can you imagine what it’d be like on the red carpet at the Oscars?
 
Interviewer: Beyonce, you look fabulous! Who are you wearing?
 
Beyonce: Oh this? this is Lisa the Llama… and I set it off with a Mindy the Mink stole and some Gina the Gator pumps…

That would be hot.

Pt. 2 – Rolling briefcases

I think people who use rolling briefcases on the subways should be arrested. Really, if you’ve got so much work that you need a wheelbarrow to carry it all, you should quit your job — or at least drive there. I’m sick of people rolling over my toes, tripping me up and making me miss trains because they’re dragging their luggage thru the subway station. And hey, if you absolutely must roll your bag around, learn to be OK with the fact that you look like an idiot. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I look at you like you’re crazy. You’re the lazy one, not me.