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OK, either I was deliriously sleepy tonite or “Sports Action Team” is the funniest show on TV. Y’all decide. If you’ve never seen the show its a group of comics and improv actors who interview pro athletes and other stars but it’s in the context of their being reporters on a fake sports show. The ish is hilarious. Tonite they got Amani Toomer and I was literally laughing out loud in my bed at 2am. Really, I felt bad, cuz I know I was loud enough to wake up my neighbors. If you haven’t seen it and you’re a sports fan, be sure you plan to stay up and watch next week or go to their website and watch clips and outtakes. OMG it’s my favorite.

And while we’re talking about sports and players for the sorry NY Giants (yeah I said it, Tina), I just have to give a shout out my Eagles — because so many of them read this blog… I may have to take back what I said about Jeff Garcia. I said in a previous post that he wouldn’t be able to take us to the playoffs, but week by week, he is proving me wrong, and I am not mad at him. Brian Dawkins should be making more money. I don’t know what his contract is, but I know he should be making more. He is Philly football, I don’t care what you say. Yeah, you. Wanna fight? I can’t wait til the Dallas game. What better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord, than to watch the Eagles pound the Cowboys? If we beat them (again) and we beat the Falcons (which we will) we can win the NFC East. Who woulda thought that was even remotely possible a month ago? Nobody. Not even you. Yeah we can take this outside…

Oh man, it really doesn’t get much better than this. This weekend, one of my girlfriends turned me on to this website called www.dontdatehimgirl.com. Yes, that’s right. I had never heard of it before, but apparently it’s pretty well known. The whole purpose of the site is for women who have been scorned (can you even use the word ‘scorned’ like that? I’m not even sure if it sounds right if you don’t say “a woman scorned”. A “scorned woman” doesn’t sound right. He scorned her. She was scorned by him? Doesn’t sound right to me… anyway) to put their exes on blast. When you get onto the site you can search by the guy’s name or by the city in which you live and you will see sometimes dozens of stories about how a guy did a girl wrong, what a dog he is, everything, down to the STDs he might have. It’s crazy. And then you can make comments, add things or cosign on what is already there. You can even put pictures of the guy up. This site is out of control!
 
 The reason my girl knew about it was because she put a guy on there and she wanted me to read what she’d written. But after I was done with that, I decided I’d search the site for some of the guys I’ve dated. Shoot, if they weren’t on there already, most of them deserve to be. I was searching thru the DC listings, and I came across someone that a girl I know is currently dating and OH MY DAMN… the entry was… shall I say… less than flattering and pretty dead-on. So I forwarded it to another girlfriend of mine who passed it on to the current dater of said man (I’m trying to use bad grammar today, thanks), and I think I stirred up some drama that didn’t need to be. I didn’t mean to get anyone upset. I just couldn’t believe that people actually take the time to put that stuff out there. Cause while it’s billed as a ‘sisterly’ kind of service, it’s quite evident that the goal is to make these guys look as bad as possible. Now I’m sure some of them deserve it, but you can tell some of the entries are blown totally out of proportion. “Don’t date Kevin Washington. He is like soooo mean and stuff and if you sleep with him on the first date, he will totally not call you the day after. He’s like the devil.”
 
 Really? I bet he is. BTW what’s your name? I’ve got a site I’d like to put you on. It’s called sitdownho.com. Anyway, I said all that to say ladies, you might want to check out the site to see if your man’s up on there or if you just want to see how raw some women can be it’s good for hours and hours of fun… and fellas… well, y’all should check and see if your name is on there. And watch who you do wrong from now on! Tee hee!

I’m sure anyone reading this is familiar with the phrase, “You’re only as good as your last show” — or some variation of that. Well, I sure hope that isn’t true. Because if it is, I suck. Still a little high off winning the Comedy Factory contest, I had a show at Coppin State University tonite. Wow. It wasn’t exactly a disaster, but it was not very sexy either. It was definitely one of those experiences that keeps you REAL humble.Yesterday I was the funniest person in Baltimore. Today, not so much :)

Man, I quit the Eagles. Not really, but damn… I really feel sorry for McNabb and I hope his injuries don’t force him into premature retirement like my former baby daddy Terrell Davis, but its not looking good for him. Jeff Garcia is no slouch, but he’s not gonna be the answer.
 
Maybe next year. Again.
 
Moving on, I finished an entire giant bag of peanut M&Ms over the weekend, but I actually didn’t feel too bad about it because they were the pink ones, where a portion of the proceeds goes to breast cancer research… Yeah, it was like 3 million calories, but I did it for cancer, people. Screw Race for the Cure. I ate a bag of delicious chocolates. I did my part. Do y’all think I could claim that on my taxes as a charitable contribution? I need all the deductions I can get…

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all! Hope you guys all had a great time with your families. I didn’t. I spent the day in my apartment eating 2-day old turkey chili and drinking Crystal Light… WHY? Because my parents hate me. Haven’t any of you seen my act? Jheri Curl in kindergarten… No trick-or-treating… and now apparently, no Thanksgiving. 

Yes, you’re right, that IS the most awful thing you’ve ever heard, but I do not want your pity… I want some sweet potato pie… and maybe some greens if you know how to make ’em right.

Thanks a lot “mom” and “dad.”

As most of you know, Emmitt Smith and his partner won on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ last nite. And as corny as the whole concept is to me, he really did well. Emmitt can really move. I mean we knew he could shake and spin from his NFL days, but who knew he had it on the dance floor? When I first heard he was on the show I was sure it would ruin his tough gridiron guy image. I mean Dancing with the Stars – that’s a little fruity… But then I thought about it some more and I was like Emmitt Smith is a man’s man. He’s the NFL’s all-time rushing leader. He’s in the hall of fame for goodness sake. If anyone can bring some legitimacy (ok maybe ‘legitimacy’ is a strong word’) to the show, it’s Emmitt. You can’t get more UN-gay than him… At least that’s what I thought until I saw the sleeveless green silk monstrosity he wore the other nite. Can someone say “FABULOUS?” Emmitt looked like an allergist for real. Sorry people. It needed to be said. If you have no idea what I meant by that, set aside ten bucks and come see me live sometime… I can just imagine (imagine=hope) the arguments he had with the wardrobe designer. “Do you know who I am? I ain’t gon be dancin’ around looking like a damn lepranigga.” Or at least I hope that’s how it went…
 
 He was on the Steve Harvey morning show yesterday and they were all saying how great he is and how wonderful it is that he stepped out of the box and did this. But I KNOW as soon as he hung up the phone they were cracking the heck up. Damn Emmitt, why’d you let ’em do it to you? You JUST retired last year. It can’t be that bad.

This week could quite possibly be the best week I’ve ever had in my life… No exaggeration. And I mean better than the week I ditched the coke bottles and got contacts, better than the week my mom let me cut the Jheri Curl out, better than the week I tasted Carrie Ivey’s banana pudding for the first time… Why, you ask? Well, that’s my business not yours. Stop being so nosey.
 
 But here’s one awesomely hilarious thing I witnessed this week… I went to a really fancy dinner party — a “gala” even. And there was a gentleman giving a speech at the podium in the center of the room. And when he was done several people decided that he deserved a standing ovation… and boy do I LOVE standing ovations! Watching people decide whether or not they’re going to participate in the ovation is like one of my most favorite things in this world. Cause everyone’s thought process is exactly the same as the ovation is developing. A few people stand up and you think “Should I?… Nah, they’ll be done in a second. If I get up and they all sit right down, I’ll have stood up for nothing… Wait looks like this thing is really taking off… I don’t want to be the only one not standing…” Then inevitably you’ll stand up and everyone will be sitting back down… Or what’s even funnier is when its time to stop clapping. You start looking around at everyone when you think it should be about over and then you start to sit down — you bend your knees… but then nope, its not over… We’re still clapping. Lather, rinse repeat… I witnessed a standing ovation that lasted about 30 seconds longer than it needed to because no one was bold enough to sit the hell down. That’s a long time. Hilarious.
 
 But it got even better because then some other people were recognized, but the audience wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic about those people, or maybe they were just burned out from the first ovation, so there was kind of a half-assed standing o, for the next few people, which in my opinion is worse than no standing o at all… I don’t know if any of y’all are following me. This might need to be filed into the “you had to be there” category, but man, was it funny to me…

Ummm… yeah…. So I just got back from seeing “The Departed” – the new Scorcese film. The movie ran about 2 and a half hours and I really liked it for about 2 hours and 24 minutes. But it totally fell apart in the end. I don’t wanna ruin it for anyone who’s heard it was a great movie or is planning to see it, but boo! boo! boo! The movie was packed with A-List stars — Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Marky Mark, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin. The story line had great layers, it was directed by Martin Scorcese and produced by Brad Pitt… How do you mess that up? Now I understand that directors are not scriptwriters… but Marty should know enough to know that script had a weak resolution. Totally anticlimactic ending… It was like watching an episode of the Maury Povich Show where the first guy they test turns out to be the baby’s daddy. No screaming. No crying. No hoochie running barefoot around the studio. You’re thinking, why did I even waste my time.
 
 My friend Kojo, who I saw the movie with said it should have been called “The Retarded.”
 
 Now because the majority of the script was entertaining and the acting was so good, I’m going to suggest that they just release an alternate ending. They offer that feature on DVDs all the time, I’m just saying maybe they should let people come back to the theaters for like a buck fifty and see a different last ten minutes or so… just so they don’t feel so cheated. Cuz there’s no way the academy is gonna give Marty a nod this year… Cuz he’s like the Susan Lucci of film directors. I mean, hello… even if the movie was excellent all the way thru, Clint Eastwood’s got a film out. He’s a guaranteed winner. Sorry Marty, there’s always next year.