November 2006

I’m sure anyone reading this is familiar with the phrase, “You’re only as good as your last show” — or some variation of that. Well, I sure hope that isn’t true. Because if it is, I suck. Still a little high off winning the Comedy Factory contest, I had a show at Coppin State University tonite. Wow. It wasn’t exactly a disaster, but it was not very sexy either. It was definitely one of those experiences that keeps you REAL humble.Yesterday I was the funniest person in Baltimore. Today, not so much :)

Man, I quit the Eagles. Not really, but damn… I really feel sorry for McNabb and I hope his injuries don’t force him into premature retirement like my former baby daddy Terrell Davis, but its not looking good for him. Jeff Garcia is no slouch, but he’s not gonna be the answer.
 
Maybe next year. Again.
 
Moving on, I finished an entire giant bag of peanut M&Ms over the weekend, but I actually didn’t feel too bad about it because they were the pink ones, where a portion of the proceeds goes to breast cancer research… Yeah, it was like 3 million calories, but I did it for cancer, people. Screw Race for the Cure. I ate a bag of delicious chocolates. I did my part. Do y’all think I could claim that on my taxes as a charitable contribution? I need all the deductions I can get…

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all! Hope you guys all had a great time with your families. I didn’t. I spent the day in my apartment eating 2-day old turkey chili and drinking Crystal Light… WHY? Because my parents hate me. Haven’t any of you seen my act? Jheri Curl in kindergarten… No trick-or-treating… and now apparently, no Thanksgiving. 

Yes, you’re right, that IS the most awful thing you’ve ever heard, but I do not want your pity… I want some sweet potato pie… and maybe some greens if you know how to make ’em right.

Thanks a lot “mom” and “dad.”

As most of you know, Emmitt Smith and his partner won on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ last nite. And as corny as the whole concept is to me, he really did well. Emmitt can really move. I mean we knew he could shake and spin from his NFL days, but who knew he had it on the dance floor? When I first heard he was on the show I was sure it would ruin his tough gridiron guy image. I mean Dancing with the Stars – that’s a little fruity… But then I thought about it some more and I was like Emmitt Smith is a man’s man. He’s the NFL’s all-time rushing leader. He’s in the hall of fame for goodness sake. If anyone can bring some legitimacy (ok maybe ‘legitimacy’ is a strong word’) to the show, it’s Emmitt. You can’t get more UN-gay than him… At least that’s what I thought until I saw the sleeveless green silk monstrosity he wore the other nite. Can someone say “FABULOUS?” Emmitt looked like an allergist for real. Sorry people. It needed to be said. If you have no idea what I meant by that, set aside ten bucks and come see me live sometime… I can just imagine (imagine=hope) the arguments he had with the wardrobe designer. “Do you know who I am? I ain’t gon be dancin’ around looking like a damn lepranigga.” Or at least I hope that’s how it went…
 
 He was on the Steve Harvey morning show yesterday and they were all saying how great he is and how wonderful it is that he stepped out of the box and did this. But I KNOW as soon as he hung up the phone they were cracking the heck up. Damn Emmitt, why’d you let ’em do it to you? You JUST retired last year. It can’t be that bad.

This week could quite possibly be the best week I’ve ever had in my life… No exaggeration. And I mean better than the week I ditched the coke bottles and got contacts, better than the week my mom let me cut the Jheri Curl out, better than the week I tasted Carrie Ivey’s banana pudding for the first time… Why, you ask? Well, that’s my business not yours. Stop being so nosey.
 
 But here’s one awesomely hilarious thing I witnessed this week… I went to a really fancy dinner party — a “gala” even. And there was a gentleman giving a speech at the podium in the center of the room. And when he was done several people decided that he deserved a standing ovation… and boy do I LOVE standing ovations! Watching people decide whether or not they’re going to participate in the ovation is like one of my most favorite things in this world. Cause everyone’s thought process is exactly the same as the ovation is developing. A few people stand up and you think “Should I?… Nah, they’ll be done in a second. If I get up and they all sit right down, I’ll have stood up for nothing… Wait looks like this thing is really taking off… I don’t want to be the only one not standing…” Then inevitably you’ll stand up and everyone will be sitting back down… Or what’s even funnier is when its time to stop clapping. You start looking around at everyone when you think it should be about over and then you start to sit down — you bend your knees… but then nope, its not over… We’re still clapping. Lather, rinse repeat… I witnessed a standing ovation that lasted about 30 seconds longer than it needed to because no one was bold enough to sit the hell down. That’s a long time. Hilarious.
 
 But it got even better because then some other people were recognized, but the audience wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic about those people, or maybe they were just burned out from the first ovation, so there was kind of a half-assed standing o, for the next few people, which in my opinion is worse than no standing o at all… I don’t know if any of y’all are following me. This might need to be filed into the “you had to be there” category, but man, was it funny to me…

Ummm… yeah…. So I just got back from seeing “The Departed” – the new Scorcese film. The movie ran about 2 and a half hours and I really liked it for about 2 hours and 24 minutes. But it totally fell apart in the end. I don’t wanna ruin it for anyone who’s heard it was a great movie or is planning to see it, but boo! boo! boo! The movie was packed with A-List stars — Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Marky Mark, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin. The story line had great layers, it was directed by Martin Scorcese and produced by Brad Pitt… How do you mess that up? Now I understand that directors are not scriptwriters… but Marty should know enough to know that script had a weak resolution. Totally anticlimactic ending… It was like watching an episode of the Maury Povich Show where the first guy they test turns out to be the baby’s daddy. No screaming. No crying. No hoochie running barefoot around the studio. You’re thinking, why did I even waste my time.
 
 My friend Kojo, who I saw the movie with said it should have been called “The Retarded.”
 
 Now because the majority of the script was entertaining and the acting was so good, I’m going to suggest that they just release an alternate ending. They offer that feature on DVDs all the time, I’m just saying maybe they should let people come back to the theaters for like a buck fifty and see a different last ten minutes or so… just so they don’t feel so cheated. Cuz there’s no way the academy is gonna give Marty a nod this year… Cuz he’s like the Susan Lucci of film directors. I mean, hello… even if the movie was excellent all the way thru, Clint Eastwood’s got a film out. He’s a guaranteed winner. Sorry Marty, there’s always next year.

OK, this is definitely worth a post. So there was a bull running loose through the streets of Newark, NJ this morning – and this is not even the first time that’s happened. Apparently there was an animal control officer working for the city who grew up in South Africa and he was able to lasso the bull after chasing him around for like 10 hours. WHAT?

I think I saw a movie like this. It was called ‘Bullz in the Hood” Oh somebody stop me PLEASE!!! :) The best part of the entire story is that they think the bull either escaped from a slaughterhouse or fell off a truck bound for one. The second option is probably more likely, because you know how stuff ‘falls off the back of trucks’ in Jersey. I think if this bull actually escaped from a slaughterhouse, he should be allowed to live. He’d be a legend.

In other news, I wrote a new joke about the Black National Anthem that I think is gonna really work. Yes, non-Black people. We have a national anthem. None of us know the words to it, but we do have one, so ha! Thing is, you’d think our anthem would have a little more soul to it. I mean, the lyrics are awfully powerful, but the beat stinks. Maybe we could get Kanye to remix it. Don’t write letters Black folks, you know I’m right.

And lastly, I seem to have lost my cell phone once again. The most careless girl in America does it again! I had to call Verizon to suspend the account and apparently the pre-recorded message they have for people who suspend their own service is the same message they have for people who don’t pay their bills. Boo. Verizon customers, I feel like we should get together and lobby for a special “lost cell phone message.” My mama would die if she called me and got that message. Anywayz, I’m off to the Verizon store. Later.

First off I want to say that I hate it when people use Roman numerals when they could just as easily use regular numbers. It’s like they’re showing off. I mean how many people really know roman numerals other than 5, 10, 20, 30, etc… MCMX…… Whatever. Boo! The only place I think its acceptable is the Superbowl, and even that confused me this year. This is the X-tra Large Superbowl? Wow, this is about to be hot. Oh XL means 40? Well then boo twice! There was really no point to that, just needed to vent.
 
Moving on, this past weekend I went to my HS reunion up in Jersey. And it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it might be. Everyone looked pretty much the same… Guess it hasn’t been long enough. On Friday nite I did a show in the city and on Saturday nite I did a show at the club in my hometown — The Stress Factory. I actually ate dinner, left and did the show and came back to the party. It was a very productive weekend… Tonite was the second semifinal round of the Funniest Person in Baltimore Competition. Winner gets $2500 cash, so you see why it’s imperative that I win :) Come on big money!!!The bank wants me to pay my mortgage EVERY month apparently. I won tonite so now I just have the finals left. I don’t think they’ve ever had a woman win this competition, but who knows this might be the year. Wish me luck!