So next weekend I’m going to my HS reunion. I can’t believe it’s been that long already, but I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m from Jersey and I’m so interested to see what everyone looks like now, you know, without the starched bangs and super heavy eyeliner and stuff. Tee hee :)… Our reunion has a website and people have been signing the guestbook like yeah, I’m doing all these fabulous things with my life and at first when I was reading through it, I started to feel a little inadequate… but then I realized some of those folks are probably lying. I’ll let you know if my theory holds up when I get back. I mean why not. None of us know each other anymore. If I had thought about it harder, I would have made up a fanTAStic story. Shoot, I still might! I’m gonna try and see everyone I can while I’m home especially my godson. He’ll forever be seven in my act, but he’s getting so big in real life I almost can’t take it. Maybe I’ll take him to my reunion and try to pass him off as my own. I’m just saying, kids make for better stories… Anyway, it’s 4:28 a.m. so I’m gonna get in bad now.

I wasn’t always a terrorist

I just got back from a week in Dallas. A fun time was had. Few things… why is it that every city nowadays has to have a cool hip-hop abbreviation or nickname. I did a show down there on Tuesday nite and everybody that went up before me was talking about Yeah, that’s how we do it in the D-F-Dub…” “D-F-Dub in the house.” I heard it so much I had to ask and found out they were talking about Dallas/Ft. Worth. Oh, right… Sure. I forgot how gangsta Ft. Worth is. Maybe these folks were from the South Side.

On the trip home today I had to throw out all my MAC lipsticks and glosses because they weren’t in clear plastic baggies. For real? I tell y’all what… I was not a terrorist when I got to the airport… but after I had to throw away almost $100 worth of makeup, I felt like blowing some ish up. For real. There was this lady behind me — another sista — who they asked to get rid of her perfume and she was not having it. The following is an account of what happened — as best I can remember:

Screener: Ma’am, you cannot take your perfume on the plane unless its in a clear plastic bag.

LadyWhoWasNotAboutToGiveUpHerPerfume: OK, then give me a plastic bag.Screener: We don’t provide plastic bags.

LWWNATGUHP: Well, then…why can’t I just take it on? Why does it HAVE to be in a bag?

Screener: Ma’am, it has to be in a bag so that we can see it.

LWWNATGUHP: You can see it now, right? What’s a plastic bag gone do? Do ziplock bags stop bombs? Do saran wrap stop bombs? I ain’t throwing out my perfume… Right? Am I right?

Now at this point, LWWNATGUHP is looking up at me to co-sign for her and as much as I feel her, I can’t do it. You can’t act but so crazy at the security checkpoint cuz they will tazer you and knock your ass out. But she had a valid point. If little baggies are the key to disarming explosives, screw all the diplomacy on the Korean “Pa-nin-sha-la” (gotta love Dubya). We should just fly over North Korea and drop some Hefty bags on their bombs. Boo! I suck. But you get the point… When I finally got on the plane, who was sitting in the very first seat in first class but NFL great Herschel Walker. He looked great. Still had the hi-top box haircut and all… Man, he really took me back. ’91 was the bomb.


LOST premiered on Wednesday nite. It is my second favorite show on TV behind The Wire. My mom wanted to watch the season premiere because I talk about the show so much but I told her — and you know if you watch the show — you can’t pick up in the middle of LOST. If you haven’t watched every episode, you won’t really get it. I got into it kinda late. I had never really even heard of the show until the middle of the second season and I’m not usually home in the evenings, but a friend lent me the first season on DVD and I was hooked. Then when the second season came out on DVD I bought it and now I’m all caught up. Problem is, I’m used to watching it without commercials all at once — none of this wait ’til next week cliffhanger stuff. Boo!
Funny thing, I was trying to explain to a friend what the show was about the other day and I’m like “OK, so this plane crashes on this tropical island with wild boars and horses and polar bears, and there’s a button on the island that like controls the whole world. And everything in real life is backwards on the island, and there are these other weird killer people… She wasn’t interested at all and I realized how ridiculous it sounds when you say it all out loud, but it’s such a good show. Plus I’m a fan of any survival-drama where ALL the black folks are still alive. How often does that happen?

Let’s see, what else?… Robin Thicke’s new album dropped on Tuesday. If you enjoy good things, you should buy his album. It is a good thing. Robin Thicke makes good R&B music. If you’re not familiar, he is the son of Alan Thicke who is (and I don’t mean to offend) a very white man. BUT he is married to a very beautiful Black actress, so black folks are OK with his album being the hotness. If a white guy is going to make good R&B music, he better be married to a black woman or have some black folks somewhere on his family tree. I’m still trying to write a joke about this but notice… It’s cool with us that Robin Thicke makes good R&B music because he’s married to Paula Patton. He’s in the club. Justin Timberlake — nappy hair and he’s from Memphis so there’s a chance he’s got an Uncle June Bug somewhere way on back. Teena Marie — sleeping with Rick James. Do y’all get the picture…?
Umm, I don’t have a lot to say today. It’s wet and dreary. My socks are still wet from walking in the rain three hours ago. I guess I could take them off, huh? …OK I took them off. I feel much better now.

Vote or Die

So as a lot of you know I moved back in May. And last nite my building had its first condo association meeting. It was nice to put names with the faces I see all the time. The purpose of the meeting was to elect board members for our association. It was a bit like running for student council in HS, but without the popularity aspect – cuz none of us know each other… The candidates had to make speeches and tell what experiences in their life prepared them for sitting on the condo board, but no one really had any experiences that had. It was kinda like hey, I live here. That qualifies me. The end. But before we voted, the guy from the management company says that our votes are weighted by our ownership shares – or something like that – basically that those people with larger units had more of a say… which sucks. You paid more for your place, so my vote doesn’t count? Buy a house and THE MAN still tries to bring you down…. (shaking head)
 We ended up electing three members to the board… Oh wait, did I mention that only three candidates showed up and there were only three spots? Not that I’m knocking anyone because I didn’t even apply. I commend those folks for being willing to give up their time to help us. The best part of the meeting was when the representative from the management company asked if we had any questions for the candidates. Nobody really asked about ideas for the community or you know, how they’ll work with everyone (even us worthless folks who own 1BR units) to make sure we all have a say… No one wanted to know that kind of stuff… The questions were more like, “Hey, if I vote for you, will you make it so we can get DIRECTV so I can get NFL Sunday Ticket?” and “What are you going to do about the water pressure?” I almost laughed out loud… I mean, I’m a football fan too, but I don’t know if that was the right type of question… And I wish we had better water pressure too — my last apartment had what my friend and hilarious comedian, Lamar Williams would call “civil rights hose” water pressure (Lamar, you’re hilarious and probably not reading this blog at all) — but again, not the right time. The meeting was over pretty quickly though… and as it turns out, one of the guys on the new board actually has the DIRECTV hook up, so you know it’s true what they say… There’s no such thing as a stupid question…