In no particular order:

  1. People who forget to turn their ringers off and then get mad at you for calling them: If I call you while you’re in the middle of a big meeting or an important event and you haven’t turned your cell phone off, it’s not my fault. Don’t pick up the phone and damn chastise me thru clenched teeth for calling when it’s you who was slacking on the professional etiquette. That is a “you” problem.
  2. People who answer their phones to tell you that they can’t talk right now: What is that? That’s what voicemail is for. How big is your need to seem important? You don’t have to pick up the phone to tell me you’re at the 1:15 showing of Baby Mama and you should be able to call me back by 3:30. Just call me back at 3:30. Dude.
  3. People who let their entire ring tone play before answering the phone: I know you paid $2.49 for it, but damn, why should I have to listen to the entire first verse of Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” just because I decided to ride the bus downtown to save on gas? Damn.
  4. People with iPhones and Trios who text message me back too damn fast: Yes, I’m hating. I’m not very tech-y so I just have a plain old boring missionary style cell phone. I can take calls. I can make calls. I can send text messages, but there’s no QWERTY keypad. I just feel like people with fancy phones should have a little more respect for those of us who have to type it out. T9word is missing a lot of the shit I wanna say so I gotta spell things out the old fashion way. It frustrates me, so usually when people text me, I just call them back. Because I don’t have the time to try and type the complete response I’d like to. Of course usually the person who texted me gets testy. “Why didn’t you just text me back?” Screw you.
  5. People with unlimited text plans and poor cell phone reception: Yes, I’m talking to you Sprint users. Of course you have unlimited text plans, your phone drops every other call you make. I have Verizon and while I pay more for my service I can actually use my phone for — I don’t know — talking on the phone. No matter where I am. Does that sound elitist? Well it was meant to. Your cell phone sucks and people in the Midwest are bitter. Barack the Vote. Huh? I have a certain number of texts per month and then it’s $.20 a piece. SOME people think it’s cute to just send text messages when they know I’m near my limit. Hahaha, very funny. You know who you are. And I will block you.

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