Worst date ever. Ever

OK, here’s what went down… And I warn you, this is going to make you want to cry…

EJ meets dude. Dude asks EJ out to dinner and she accepts because dude seems pretty normal. Dude tells EJ he wants to take her to a restaurant out in a ritzy town in Maryland. EJ thinks, well there are a lot of great places to eat in the city and that’s pretty far from where I live, but hey, it’s your date. I’m down for whatever… Now EJ is tired of writing in the third person. Less than a minute after I get in dude’s car, dude is like, I forgot that you lived so far out. Do you mind if we don’t go to the place I suggested? And I was like no, not at all. Then he says, “Good cause I don’t really feel like driving way out there and then bringing your ass all the way back home. I mean this is just a first date.” Ass all the way back home. Verbatim. I promise. It’s permanently etched in my memory. Now, at this point I thought about just opening the car door, tucking my head and taking my chances rolling down the street. That I didn’t do that would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my dating life so far. Yes, bigger than the time my clumsy behind wore my favorite white blouse on a date at Maggiano’s and ordered the lasagna.

Big.

So we decide to go to Capitol hill and eat — thats about 2 miles from my house. We went to one of my favorite restaurants and here is the summary of what went down while we were there. We eat. He orders two drinks. I’m cool with just a ginger ale. He does not pay for my meal. Then once I pay for my half and leave my tip, he puts down $20 and then asks me if i have any more small bills b/c he doesn’t want to break his other 20. “Once you break it, it’s gone,” he said… Really, dude? I told him to ask the waitress to change his damn 20.

THEN, and this is the topper — we leave the restaurant and he says “This always happens to me when i drink rum” And I’m like whats wrong? He’s like, “It makes me have to pee.” So I was like alright, let’s go back to the restaurant, we’re only like half a block away… And he says, “Oh no it’s cool.” So I think… ok, it’s cool, right? We keep walking and then I realize I’m walking by myself. He has STOPPED IN AN ALLEY, unzipped his pants and is peeing right there in the alley — in front of me ON A DATE.

I could not move. I was paralyzed.

I know what you’re thinking… Awful. Absolutely awful right?

And of course you’re right… It was awful. Nasty as all hell. But I do have to give him credit for one thing… When he caught up to me after his peepee break, he did make it a point to walk on the outside of the sidewalk to protect me from street traffic — because he is a gentleman.

I’d never prayed that a car would actually jump a curb before that nite…

There’s more, but I can’t bring myself to type it right now. Stay tuned for Part II.