I’m allergic to everything and my friends are ridiculous

This is an e-mail exchange I just had with my friend Ryan after asking if I could crash at his place in NYC this weekend. You’ll probably need to read from the bottom up to get it. This proves how ridiculously hilarious my friends are. 

You’re welcome. And Ryan, you make me LOL.

From: Ryan Conner
Date: 2008/04/28 Mon PM 01:54:07 CDT
To: Erin Jackson
Subject: Re: Re: saturday

No pets. Are you allergic, or do you really like to pet things?

On Mon, Apr 28, 2008 at 2:44 PM, Erin Jackson wrote:
Awesome! Thanks Ryan. I’ll be on my best behavior ;) oh wait, do u guys have any pets? i always forget to ask that.

From: Ryan Conner
Date: 2008/04/28 Mon AM 10:12:02 CDT
To: Erin Jackson
Subject: Re: saturday

You can definitely stay with me.

Future World Champ


There are some things I’m modest about. Others, not so much.

But lately the thing I’ve found myself most proud of are my AMAZING (and I do mean A-MAAAAY-ZING) parallel parking skills. I promise you I can parallel park in a spot that’s literally too small for my car and still have 3 inches of space in the front and back (and by ‘literally’ of course I mean, I’m a comedian and prone to exaggeration). I secretly love to be in the car with someone who is a poor parallel parker because there’s always a chance they’ll ask me to help them get into a spot.

On more than one occasion, I’ve pulled my car into a particularly tight space on my way to meet friends, and then forced them to come back outside with me and see what a good job I did. I know it’s a disease. I feel like Rain Man… “I’m really an excellent parker. Dad let me drive slow on the driveway.”

But I really am good.

Almost two years ago, I moved into the place I live in now and it’s a one-way street. At first I found it challenging. Why, you ask? Well because I was a much better parallel parker on the right side of the street than on the left… Though I’m sure that even then, I was a better left-side-of-the-street parallel parker than any of you reading this.

Did I mention that I’m also a really big shit talker?

Anyway, the one-way street parking has only enhanced my skills–and what will one day (I’m sure) be a legendary career in parallel parking. Really. There are sports for so many ridiculous things. Why shouldn’t I be able to park competitively? Maybe not in 2012, but I’m gonna petition for that in the 2016 Olympic games for sure. Curling? What? Parking is where it’s at, son.

EJ. Future World Parking Champ. Out.

Flat tires and sexual favors

“I jacked it up but I couldn’t get the nut off. I don’t know why. I’m usually really good at it.”

I said this to my old boss a few years ago. I was explaining that I was late because I had problems changing a flat tire. I didn’t realize why she was blushing until a while after I’d walked away. Sometimes life is funnier than any joke you can write.

Random memory on a slow blog day. You’re welcome.

Duh… everyone knows feces go in the kitchen trashcan


c/o Passiveagressivenotes.com

Me loves it. I gotta thank the world famous Hillz for putting me onto this site. It brightens even the dreariest days.

Here’s another one that caused me to nearly PIMP… It’s an exchange of passive aggression/aggressiveness… whatever… between a woman and her roomate.


Okay here’s the response…


And now… the final word… or so she thought…


Well, Molly apparently wrote this last note and then sent it to the Web site to show the whole world how she TOLD her roomate. She was probably feeling pretty good about herself… “Yeah, take that, ho…” Except… she spelled faucet wrong, which is hilarious to me because she got it right the first time. And if she was trying to get the last word in this cold war of bitchiness after her roommate criticized her spelling, you’d think she’d have spell checked her work. At least she got ‘peeve’ right the second time. The roommate probably didn’t post another note because this one said it better than she ever could have.

Game, set, match… Julie.

Have a great weekend, y’all. You’re welcome.