Hilarious Dilemma

This is the disclaimer that appears at the top of Law & Order episodes, essentially to say “we are recreating a real crime a real person committed and profiting from it, but because we’re saying we didn’t, you can’t sue us.” Ummm, you can’t have it both ways, L&O (or maybe you can since you were on the air for 20 years). Either it’s ripped from the headlines or it’s fictional. It can’t be both.

But I digress… I’m posting this today because I wish there was something like this for comedy that could indemnify me against the hurt feelings and aggressions of the people in my life who make it into my act. Just last nite I was at a neighbor’s house and during our conversation I came up with a HILARIOUS bit about someone I know. It was 100% true and the punchline came to me like magic. It was like I was born to tell this joke. And usually this type of stuff doesn’t bother me because I’m not malicious in my act, but this person is a huge fan of my comedy and comes to a lot of shows, and I’m a huge fan of this person as well and I know that he would be bothered by what I said, regardless of how funny it is.

What’s the solution here? I think the bit will tie in perfectly to a chunk in my set that I’ve been trying to expand. But I would also like to preserve my relationship with the subject. I think what I’ll do is work the bit while I’m on the road to decide if it’s as funny as I think it is, and if it is (which it is) I may just have to keep it and explain later.

Damn you conscience!

Thank you for your support

So I know I already posted today, but I just came back from ‘wogging’ in the rain — NO EXCUSES this year — and I wanted to say this to all you sidewalk cheerers-on: If you see a puffy person power walking or jogging, you don’t have to honk, give us the thumbs up or cheer us on like we’re in the last mile of a marathon or Rocky running thru the streets of Philly.

We thank you for your support, but it just makes us feel fatter.

Just a little public service announcement on behalf of puffy people everywhere. You’re welcome.

Taking the big leap


My birthday is in about a week, and I’ve ALWAYS wanted to try skydiving. I looked into it some and I don’t think I’ll be able to do it this year because I’m too puffy right now. They’d let me jump but I’d have to pay a surcharge. And there’s nothing like paying a ‘fat tax’ to ruin birthday fun.

I’ve got a few more days to come up an alternative way to celebrate. All suggestions are welcome.

Bad Dates and Bearded Ladies

Here are a couple clips from my recent visit to The Bob and Tom Show. In this first one, I tell the crew about my worst date ever. You regular readers have undoubtedly heard about this one. It happened a while back, but I’ve only started talking about it on stage recently.

And in this clip, listen to us discuss the lack of racial equality within the ‘circus freak’ industry.

Black History I’d Rather Forget: Pt. 2

Here is the second installment in my Black History I’d Rather Forget series:

Name: He knows who he is (and so may some of you, so I won’t post his name).

History-Making Move: Came to my house to show off his brand new car and asked me if I wanted to go out. Drove me to the movies and purchased one (1) ticket. I will never forget it: “One for Event Horizon, please.” I bought my ticket and then put my purse in the seat between us. After the movies he took me to dinner and well… he took me there is all I can say about that.

“F” for Effort

Went to a diner for breakfast early this morning after my show. My friend Mike ordered cheese grits with his pancakes. This is what he got:

OK… Technically there are grits here, and there is “cheese.” But these are most definitely NOT cheese grits. Even if this is how they were going to make them, couldn’t they have mixed it up in the back and brought it out cheesy? “F” effort. This cook was just like “Grits? Check. Cheese? Check… Come and get it.”

Exhale. My puffy-girl sensibilities were offended. ‘Cause I love a good bowl of cheese grits. It wasn’t even my food but I wanted to send it back; have a talk with the cook about whatever happened in his childhood that led him to do this…

But most of all I wanted to tell him to “please pack his knives and go.”

Black History I’d Rather Forget: Pt. 1

In honor of Black History Month, I thought it would be fun to post about some of the not-so-great guys I’ve dated. Because they are Black. And they are also history. I’ve also dated two Puerto Ricans. But I’m still cool with both of them. Perhaps I’ll write something nice about them during Hispanic Heritage Month. Or on whatever day the Puerto Rican Day Parade is.

But for now, on to today’s post:

Name: Andre
History-Making Move: He led me to believe I was his only girlfriend. According to his fiancée, I was not.