OK, so this is a link to a blog written by my friend Roy who will be coming with me to my Ellen taping. He is a comedian as well, and wanted to (uh…) share his concerns about being a guest in Ellen’s studio. Just to preface, he’s ridiculous ;)…
Click here to read and enjoy. Oh and please be sure to read the comments… Hilarity, I promise ;)
So if you were watching football on FOX at all today, there was no escaping the “Hole in the Wall” commercials. This ‘human tetris’ show that has apparently been a hit in tons of other countries is now coming to the U.S. Another reality game show for which there is no real way to prepare, the funniest part of this show appears to be the reactions of the folks when they see what type of hole they’ll have to fit thru. I feel like there’s no way some of these people could fit thru the spaces allotted for them. I mean, shouldn’t they at least have a chance?
I received 4 phone calls today asking if I had seen the preview for the show where there is a puffy woman who has a memorable reaction (Oh CRAP!!!) when she sees that she’ll have to fit into this one particularly awkward, and obviously impossible shape. I found another clip on Youtube where someone taped the commercial so it’s posted below. But I can’t tell if it’s really, really funny or the meanest thing I’ve ever seen. As a puffy girl myself, I feel kinda bad for her. But again, no one forced her to try out. Would I be willing to exploit myself that much for 15 seconds of fame and some prize money? (ahem, ahem… ‘asks the girl who just competed on Last Comic Standing’ — yes I see the irony). Are you gonna/did you watch the show? And if so, what’s your take?
Yeah you’re right. It’s pretty damn funny.
So a friend and I were on the Metro the other day and there was an advertisement in our car for a company called eurAuPair that had a picture of a kid and a young girl on it… And she was kinda staring at it for a while. So I asked her what was wrong and she said, “What does AuPair mean again?” So I told her it’s like a nanny but from another country usually. And she said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I always get that confused with au gratin.”
Word?
Just admit you had no idea what the word meant before this moment. Cause I mean really, what could you possibly be doing or where could you possibly go that you’re “always” confronted with these two words? Plus I just can’t see a situation in which you could ever confuse the two. Have you ever heard of context clues?…
“Please Mr. Waiter, I’d like to have the steak medium-well, and the potatoes with the young European caregiver sprinkled on top.”
or maybe…
“Sure we’re free to go out with you guys tonite. The melted cheese and breadcrumbs are at home watching the kids.”
AAAAHHHH!!! I can’t stand when people can’t admit that they don’t know things. Who knows everything? I mean, besides Oprah ;) I have much more respect for people who ask questions and ask for help than people who prefer to pretend to know things and marinate in their ignorance. I told her I’d be writing this blog and said all this to her while we were on the train so I don’t feel bad about it. I apologize for the early morning Friday rant, but I had to get that out.
OK so this is random.
Two posts about LL Cool J this month. Who’dve thunk? But this couldnt be ignored. The Ladies Love was being interviewed on the Steve Harvey Morning Show this morning. They were discussing — among other things –Ă‚Â the keys to his longevity and his abdominal muscles. I don’t know one man in my personal life who is comfortable talking about another man’s attractiveness or body, but it seems like whenever I see or hear a man interview LL Cool J, he inevitably ends up complimenting him on his body. I think LL has mind control like Deebo.
Moving on… I said in my previous LL post this month that I have not in the past enjoyedĂ‚Â LL interviews. So when I turned on my radio this morning I was excited to put my theory to the test… and I was pleasantly surprised. LL was giving a sort of testimony and pep talk to anyone out in radioland who ever had a dream. He said something like, “There’s no age limit to success. Colonel Sanders started KFC at age 65 and Russell [Simmons], Rick [Rubin] and I kicked off Def Jam when I was 15… If you dream of something do it.”
Go LL! … Maybe I was wrong about you.
But he then added that he also attributes a lot of his success to the fact that heĂ‚Â tithes in church. Now, I know that should have really put me over the top — made me wanna renege on all my anti-LL-interview rhetoric. And it did — for about 30 seconds. Because about 30 seconds after LL talked about faith in God and being rewarded for that faithfulness, they played his new single, “Baby.”
Exhale.
I don’t know how many of you have heard this song (I’m sure I would neverĂ‚Â have heard it on the station I listen to if LL weren’t a guest) so I decided to post some of the lyrics below. I pulled them from the Web so I’m sure they’re not 100% accurate, but I heard it for myself this morning. The ‘important’ stuff is there… Check ’em out and meet me on the other side:
I Met this little girl, she was off the hook
I got cold chills when her body shook
Hot sex on the platter no need to cook
I let her steal my heart like a horny crook
Had her grinding and winding against my leg
She messin with my head, wanna play in the bed
Sexy pumps on, toenails red
Your bodys a gun baby, pump me full of lead
It hard to hold you when you movin’ vulgar
Peace sign on your eyes like John Travolta
My pulp ain’t fiction, it’s an addiction
To see your booty clap on the floor in the kitchen
Nasty girl, taught me all the lingo
While mama play bingo, she ride mandingo
She dont give a damn if im married or single
She makes me tingleShe likes Hip-Hop and R&B
Her life time goal is to be on TV
She looking for a man that could give her a break
Like Usher or Justin Timberlake
Im really not sure if her breasts are fake
Cuz wit whipped cream on em, they taste just like cake
We drink some beer, inside of daddy’s ’64
She shot me in the back with cupids arrow
We finish the 6-pac, she push the seat back
Pulled up her dress n she let me peep that
Im Drunk as a skunk, feeling all dirty
Truck stop bathroom at 7:30
Bought her some dessert, give a damn if its early
Head spinnin around like roller derby
Everything about her says you dont deserve me
I hope im worthyIn the back of the pickup, clothes are rip up
She see my chrome wheels, it gets more real
Running and laughing, music blasting
Side over the road, bent over crashing
Mouth all dry, can feel the urge
If you see my mama, dont say a word
The cops wanna know im a word are slurred
Dont ask me officer ask her
Wanna another drink baby she like sure
Wanna hit the club she like I dont curr
She all in the rearview doin her hurr
Hairspray and lip gloss everywhurr
This all happens on an average day
Your life is a trip girl, im here to stay
Never had a girl make me feel this way
Even tho I had to pay
I’m not sure God wants 10 percent of the proceeds fromĂ‚Â that. I’m just saying.
Never had a girl make me feel this way / Even tho I had to pay
Really??? Had to pay???
Hey LL, Jesus just called.Ă‚Â He said you can keep your dime.
Fla. man dials 911, complains his sub had no sauce
2 days ago
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) — The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.
Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren’t arriving fast enough.
Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police.
When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.
Peterson did not have a listed phone number.
Haha… I saw this at Crunk & Disorderly and it reminded me of this gem.
You’re welcome.
So I just got back from a great week at the Funnybone in Virginia Beach. I did a little shopping, a little relaxing, worked with great people in a great room, and the check cleared. You can’t ask for much more.
Also while I was down there, I re-evaluated and re-ordered the must-have characteristics I need in a potential mate.
Here’s the background: Thursday nite after the show I went back to the comics’ condo, which is a very neat, very clean garden style unit. But because it’s a garden apartment, the front door opens right to the outside. I put the key in the door and then realized that there was a huge flying/hopping ‘croach’ thingy (wasn’t sure if it was a cricket or a roach) on the door. I totally freaked because I am paralyzed by bugs. Anyone who knows me well already marvels at how I was able to live in that little basement apartment in the hood for 8 years.
Tylenol PM and Benadryl is how. You’re not worried about croaches when you see unicorns…. But I digress.
I literally was so tired and buzzed all I wanted was to crawl in the bed. But I was frozen. I called the headliner who is a friend of mine and was like, “Could you stay on the phone with me until this croach dies?” He humored me for about three minutes. We talked about how if hell was a personal hell customized for each of us what would be in each of ours… And we determined that mine would be full of croaches and other pests, octopus/pi or anything else with tentacles, that scene from the Matrix when they put that tracker thing into Neo’s belly would be playing on an eternal loop … and there would be black olives everywhere … I HATE black olives.
After he wished me well and got off the phone I still couldn’t go in. It wasn’t a matter of just opening and closing the door really quickly… because I didn’t know if it was a cricket or a roach. How fast was it? That’s need-to-know info. Because where it was positioned on the door if I opened the door it was literally going to BE inside… What to do?
So I called my buddy Dawan. He’ll humor me I thought… Plus he’s in LA so its not so late. He talked me thru it. Told me to break off a piece of the crepe myrtle outside and brush it off the door. But just as I pulled the branch, he was like, “Make sure there’s no bugs on the branch.” I threw it and screamed. I hadn’t thought of that…
Eventually he convinced me to pick up the branch and brush the croach off the door. I did it and I exhaled… but then it ran back to the door at lightning speed.
Roach for sure.
Finally after a while I was so delirious, I just held my breath and chanced it. I got in, shut the door behind me and stood still for like 10 seconds to make sure it didn’t make it in. I was safe.
It wasn’t til then that D laughed at me and said how rich we would be if I had been recording the incident. We’d be Youtube stars. He’s a good friend. The best… But it got me to thinking… ‘Croach killer’ was not on my list of must-haves in a man. Stability, trustworthiness, great sense of humor… All those things are great. But no matter how muchĂ‚Â I love you, we can’t both be standing on the sofa scared of a damn spider… I need to add it to my list and move it towards the top.
So thanks Virginia Beach for the much-needed priority shift, and the new bit ;)
OK, so I was cruising the net blog-jacking today. But it had to be done. I am not sorry ;)
Fellow comedian Maronzio Vance is in the midst of a vlog war with none other than P. Diddy. He posted this video last week about how Puffy has the ‘reverse Midas touch’ if you will on his artists… He is saying everything any true 90’s hip hop and R&B fan has been thinking for the last two decades. Please stop what you’re doing and watch this now:
Then Puffy, Diddy, Sean John, whatever the hell… posted this reply — which is chock full of bitchassness. Oh Diddy, how did you let a comic bait you?
I’m so mad I’m just seeing this… I need to amend my previous entry. This should be at the top of the list of things that made me smile today ;) Please check out Maronzio’s Myspace page and let him know how freaking hilarious he is. I heart him for this. Can’t wait to see his re-response! Stay tuned…
I don’t play the lottery. Never have. The other day one of my friends told me she plays but only when the jackpot is over $200 million. Now that’s a lot of money, sure, but so is $20 million, $50 million, $100 million… I’m not sure how often the jackpot gets that large, but I do know that when it does, it takes me like 20 minutes to buy a fifth of Jack at the liquor store on the corner. Damn gamblers… Move out the way for us alcholics. But I digress…
I asked my girl why $200 mil was her cutoff and she explained that nearly half of your winnings are taxed. So if you won like $100 million, you’d only get $50 million… etc., etc. as if somehow that wasn’t worth it.
I then punched her in the throat.
Cause like I said, I’m not a fan of the lottery, but if you are and you’ve ever rationalized not playing because you were only going to NET $50 million of your $100 million jackpot, you’re an idiot. You spend 7 dollars to win 100 dollars and I’d call that a success. You spend 7 dollars to win 50 million, sit down and STFU.
This weekend I discovered that white wine is the devil.
On Saturday nite, I did two shows at a theatre in DC with some good lady buds of mine. Before I went up at the first show my fave funnygirl Diana Saez was sipping on a white wine, so in my attempt to appear equally sophistocated I ordered the same.
Glass and a half and I was on my ass. Now I can drink whiskey/bourbon like a champ but this white wine did things to me, y’all. I was super loose and had what – from what I remember of it – was a pretty good set. The cup was sitting on a stool on the stage and at one point during the set I remember talking directly to it. I sang, “WHITE WIIIIINE…” to the tune of Grandmaster Flash’s “White Lines.” I really need to see the tape.
When I got off stage, Diana said something like E, you were great. You should loosen up before you go on stage more often.” And even in my inebriated state, I recognized that that was not a good idea. It did not however stop me from having another glass before the second show.
Oh wow. I only remember snippets from this show — and I remember it like a movie trailer… I know there was a Black guy sitting in the front row. He may have been the only Black guy at the show and I remember asking him if he knew about white wine. I told him that White folks had been trying to keep it a secret from us and that he should order a glass. I then asked another guy in the front row what his name was and I remember he had an accent. I guessed where he was from and then told the audience that the white wine gave me superpowers.
I know, I wish I had been there to see it too.
Here’s the thing folks. I recognize that I’m not nearly funny or famous enough to crash and burn yet, so I’m gonna chill on the white wine for now. But as soon as I make it big, move to Hollywood and buy a mansion, white wine is the only thing me and my beautiful white trophy wife will have in our subzero stainless steel refrigerator. Don’t be jealous.
EJ. Out.
