Screaming orgasms and standing ovations

I’ve always looked forward to the day when I leave a huge theatre stage to a standing ‘o’.” But last weekend in Kansas City, a lady in the front row remixed that fantasy and handed me this “Screaming O” cock ring during my act. Yup. In real life. People ask me why I tape all of my sets… This is the answer:

I heart my job.

I wish I could be this funny on purpose

From time to time I’ll get invited to do fundraisers for little to zero pay, and because I have good home training and a desire to get into Heaven, I’ll agree. Yesterday I was asked to headline an event for Planned Parenthood this coming February. I’ve got enough booked for February to make ends meet and it’s on an off nite so I told them I’d be happy to do it. They were excited to have me and informed me, apologetically:

“We can’t pay you, but you’re more than welcome to sell your merchandise after the event.”

Now… If you don’t understand why that’s hilarious, you should probably watch this video:

Yeah… I couldn’t make stuff like that up. Life, FTW.

P.S. If you’re new to the blog, this is the story behind the t-shirt.

Doctor Mayor

On Wednesday nite, my dad walked into the house later than usual and he was obviously upset about something. Turns out he was pulled over by the cops for suspicion of DWI. The crazy thing is that my dad has never had a drink in his life, and he was on his way home from conducting Bible study at the local prison. Basically, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who is more un-drunk than my dad. They kept him for about 45 minutes and made him pull over in a parking lot, do that balancing on one leg thing, walk the line, take a breathalyzer. They asked him about his highest level of education, where he was coming from, what drugs he had taken that day…

Some major stuff. And I totally understood why he was pissed. But right after he told me what happened he said, “I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. I’m gonna tell him about this!” So I asked him why he would tell his dentist about it. He then informed me that the dentist was also the mayor of the town.

And I tried not to laugh. Really I did…

A little background: My parents do not live in the town in which I grew up. They moved south when they retired. And while there may have been a mayor/dentist in the town where I grew up, I can’t ever remember knowing who he/she was. Maybe we didn’t even have a mayor… But I lived in DC for 15 years and after living in a city where the mayorship is a pretty big deal, the idea of a dentist/mayor sounds pretty… well… country. Is he a dentist who decided to give local politics a try? Or even more hilarious–is he a local politician who enrolled in dentistry school so he’d have something to fall back on?

Either way, I gotta get the hell out of this town.

And on the next episode of “Stuff like this only happens to EJ…”

This weekend I’m working at Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club in San Antonio, TX. The first show was last nite, and when I walked into the lobby of the club I could see that there was a silent auction going on.

I introduced myself to Ruben, who was working in the ticket booth, and asked about the event. He said the show was a benefit for a local animal shelter called Animal Friends. Cool. He then went on to explain that in between acts the staff of the shelter would be bringing dogs on stage, telling their stories and asking people in the audience to adopt them. Cool… Wait. Dogs are gonna be here? In the showroom?

So… yeah, in addition to that being a bit awkward I’m also severely allergic to dogs. Like Will Smith in “Hitch” allergic. Having the dogs in the showroom, having the host hold them and then sharing a mic with him… All very bad things. I can’t blame management because this kind of thing happens once-in-a-never. It’s not like “Hey, you’re not allergic to dogs, are you?” is a standard question when booking acts. And when I told the manager he felt awful and immediately did all he could to make sure I was comfortable and that if I wasn’t we had a backup plan. They swapped out the mic for me and I hung out in the back office for most of the show. I didn’t shake hands with anyone after the show, but I made sure to address it while I was on stage so people didn’t think I was being anti-social. I started to get a teeny bit itchy near the end of the nite, but I bolted and was able to avoid any real issues.

The worst part of being allergic to dogs is that I really like them. And sometimes I’ve stayed around a dog when I know I should leave just because I heart it. But it usually takes me about two days to recover and I didn’t have that kind of time since I’m here working. I’m even more allergic to cats and probably wouldn’t have been able to continue working the weekend if there were cats anywhere around.

Wonder if they would have paid me…

Anyway, it was a cool event with some adorable dogs and the people seemed to be really nice and really care about the dogs. It’s a no-kill shelter and some of the dogs there last nite had been at the shelter as long as three years. Hope they raised tons of money and that all of those dogs find homes.

Stand-up, WorldPeace, and the streets

So, LA Laker Ron Artest is now a stand-up. His Ron Artest Ultimate Comedy Tour kicked off Friday nite at the Melrose Improv in LA. And I so wish I could have been there. I know a few comics who went out to catch the shows, and I’m anxious to hear how they went.

I like Ron Artest. I think at the core he’s probably a really good dude. He’s made some mistakes, been through some tough stuff, and seems to be dealing with his issues in a very healthy way. He’s become an advocate for mental health. He sponsors summer youth basketball leagues… And he’s damned entertaining. He consistently makes me laugh — though I’m not convinced he always means to.

A Twitter friend of mine asked me last nite if it made me angry when stars with no comedy background decide to foray into stand-up. I told him no. Because the stage is the great equalizer. For self-destructive actors. For professional athletes in a lock-out year. Even for great comedians. I’m really paraphrasing here, but in his documentary “Comedian,” Jerry Seinfeld says something like: Being famous gets you maybe five minutes of leeway with the audience. After that you have to be funny.

Can I get an “AMEN” Charlie Sheen?

At least Ron Artest realized up front that he should just host the show and pack it with established stand-ups. He’ll tell some prepared jokes, I imagine. And he’ll probably do some off the cuff, stream-of-consciousness stuff. And I’m sure people will laugh with/at him. Because he doesn’t take himself too seriously. I mean, have you heard him rap? He can’t be serious about that, right? And the name change thing… Here he is talking about it on PTI:

Oh, Ron. At least you’re not going completely “Ochocinco” with it. But I’m not sure you can call yourself WorldPeace and still be “the streets.”

Tee hee. I heart it. Live your life, Ron Ron. I’m a fan. #NoSnark

Speaking the same language

I was in a Duane Reade drugstore in Harlem yesterday and I was looking for a package of single razor blades, but no one in the store knew what I was talking about. I tried several times to explain what I wanted to the cashier at the front checkout, but she kept trying to sell me replacement cartridges for disposable shavers. Then finally I said:

“No, I’m looking for the ones the hood boys keep under their tongues.”

“Ohhh,” she said. “Why didn’t you say that at first? They on the back wall.” Ha ha. I guess what they say is true: Sometimes you just have to meet people where they are.

Sidebar: I was Googling for video of the scene from Above the Rim (pictured below) where Tupac’s character pulls the razor out of his mouth:

And I found this…


Real Crab Meat

It’s 2:18 a.m. And I had to post this before it left my brain. The following is a real life conversation between BFF Keisha and a random dude at this bar we just left. I was transcribing it in my phone as it was happening. You’re welcome.

DUDE: Girl yo eyes so pretty. You got the prettiest eyes in the world. Let me take you to a nice steak dinner… Lobster tail, with real crabmeat.

KEISHA: Real crabmeat?

DUDE: Yeah girl. Can I buy you a drink?

KEISHA: No, thank you.

DUDE: What’s wrong, you don’t like dark skinned men?

KEISHA: I have a man.

DUDE: Well shit girl you so fine you could bring him with you. He could order some appetizers or something.

Appetizers? Do y’all understand how large a man’s you-know-whats have to be for him to say something like that??!? You guys, being there to witness this exchange may have been the best thing that’s happened to me thus far in 2011. Dude was so serious. And I’m not mad at his game. He was a little older, and I bet that rap used to get him mad play back in the 90’s. The funniest part is he was so smooth with it. He said it like he was Oran “Juice” Jones talking to old girl in “The Rain…” or the bass singer in an R&B group. I almost feel like Keisha’s boyfriend should be OK with her going out with this guy. Just once. Because he earned it.

Sidebar, this whole convo got me to thinking about this video blog my friend Roy did a few months ago. He’s a bit angry in it. But angry is funny. So watch and enjoy. ;)

Bad Dates and Bearded Ladies

Here are a couple clips from my recent visit to The Bob and Tom Show. In this first one, I tell the crew about my worst date ever. You regular readers have undoubtedly heard about this one. It happened a while back, but I’ve only started talking about it on stage recently.

And in this clip, listen to us discuss the lack of racial equality within the ‘circus freak’ industry.