So I’m in Detroit Metro Airport standing next to this sign in the US Airways Preferred Access ticketing line, when a not-black woman who was also checking in walks up behind me and taps me on my shoulder. “Your line is over there ma’am. This one is for elite.”
What in the ENTIRE hell?
In the dream sequence that played in my head, I bitch-slapped that lady and then stood over her like I was Ali and she was Sonny Liston. In real life, I gave her the big eyes/forehead crinkle combo and said, “I am flying first-class, thank you,” and then gave her my back. But what I what I was feeling, what I would have said if I’d had half a second longer to think about it is, “How f—ing dare you!”
How dare you look at me and just assume I’m not entitled to be exactly where I am! How dare you not even consider the possibility that in this scenario we could be equals?
I’ve been called “nigger.” And “nigger bitch.” I’ve been told by a friend that I was not welcome in her parents’ home. I’ve experienced in-your-face racism. But what happened to me today is no less racist. The immediate assumption that I didn’t belong — it’s the same kind of ugly.
When I got to the counter the agent thanked me (loud enough for her to hear) for my loyalty. I glanced over my shoulder at her and threw all the shade I could muster.
She couldn’t have cared less.
And I guess that’s all there is to say.
LAUNDROMAT GUY: You need to buy a card from that machine to use our washers. It only takes $5 bills.
ME: But I looked you up online and since you’re called “Mary’s Coin Laundry I went to the bank across the street with my two $5 bills and got a roll of quarters.
LG: Yeah Mary’s Coin Laundry is just the name.
ME: But you get how it’s misleading?
LG: Yeah I guess.
ME: Well can you change this roll of quarters for two fives?
LG: I don’t think I can.
ME: You don’t think…?
The title of this blog is a callback to one of my old bits. Also, I quit human beings.
Sometimes you just feel like getting dressed up..
Shower gel in eyes
Stings like a mickeyfickey
Late checkout excuse
Wearing my glasses
Hate it cause they’re so damn thick
Blinder than a bat
At least they’re purple
Purple is my favorite
I’ll meet the man of my dreams
Would be just my luck
So yesterday I walked into a bathroom in the Charlotte airport and there was a bathroom attendant in there. I can’t tell you how much I hate bathroom attendants… Or maybe I can. I hate them. So much. I dread the canned greeting (Her’s was “Welcome to ladies clean bathroom, ladies”), the inevitable shakedown at the sink. When I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant my first reaction is to calculate how long I’ll have to hold it if I don’t go just then. And no offense, but if I was going to accept a paper towel from someone, it wouldn’t be a woman who’s been cleaning toilets for 8 hours… I’ve said all that to say I have a new least favorite thing. Check it out and let me know if you feel me.
Last nite I was a guest on the “Drunk Dialing with Dontay” podcast with LA Hair’s Dontay Savoy and the fab Ms. Poohbie Davenport. It was an absolute blast! I love LA Hair. I’ve seen every episode and we had the show’s star, hair guru, Kim Kimble on “Exhale” last season. Dontay is handsome and hilarious and my favorite stylist on the show. So I literally jumped at the opportunity to do his podcast.
We talked comedy and “Exhale” and drunk texting, all while downing shots of Makers Mark. Because I got to choose the liquor. Which was clearly a setup… The convo got a little fresh after shot #2, but we’re all adults here, right? Right. You should definitely check it out. And subscribe to the podcast. Dontay is beyond hilarious. Here are a few more pics. Y’all can see where this is going…
Listen to the podcast here.
So, remember last year when I worked with my favorite, Wendy Liebman and Carol Leifer at the Women in Comedy Festival? If not, feel free to click the hyperlink in the previous sentence. Well earlier this year Carol contacted me and said she’d like to put together a show with her, Wendy and me and asked if I’d be interested. Duh. So fast forward a couple months, and “A Gay, A Jew & A Black Walk Into A Bar” hit the stage at the Armstrong Theater in Torrance, CA. Woohoo!
The audience was really great and being on a theater show with these two ladies made me feel legit! I really hope we get the chance to do it again. An than after that, again. And again.