February 2006

So I just got back from my very first trip to L.A., and maybe I was wrong about it being soooo far in my earlier entry… What I should have said is it’s soooo out of my budget. That’s a far more accurate statement. While I was there I visited aforementioned comedy buddy, caught up with another friend and auditioned for the new season of Last Comic Standing. I was excited because last week the high temps in L.A. were in the 80’s. But when I go, it’s in the 50’s and 60’s, which is not bad for February all things considered, but sucks when you have to sleep outside on the street. I don’t mean to sound trite here, but that one cold nite bundled up on Melrose really made me appreciate how fortunate I am… Hey, how’d I do with the “not-sounding-trite” thing? Not so good? Eh, that’s about what I thought…

Well, I obviously didn’t get a callback – or else I would have started the entry with that… or maybe changed the name of my website to guesswhogotacallback.com – but I also didn’t go with the mindset that I’d actually be chosen for the show. I thought it’d be a cool thing to do, if for nothing else than the story and I figured I’d meet some cool people – both of which were true. My audition was cool. I got thru 2 of the 3 bits I had planned to do and I got chuckles from one of the stone-faced judges all the way thru, and they were actually very nice to me. I also learned a lot… like if you really want to make it to the second round of auditions for a stand-up comedy reality show and you have some “Groove is in the Heart/Dee-Lite style” platform heels and a pink wig in your wardrobe you should definitely wear them. And I got to meet comedian/agent/club owner Barry Katz who gave a group of us some great advice that apparently none of us took, but appreciated nonetheless… HA! I was also interviewed by the LCS crew and cutie pie Mark Long from Road Rules 1 for the FOX Reality Network while I was in line, so maybe I’ll make it into the outtakes or a bite on the FOX channel… We’ll see.

Shout to all the great folks I met in L.A… not that they’ll be reading this, but it was a pleasure meeting Will and Daryl and Kay West. SO AWESOME to meet like-minded comics gettin’ their hustle on 3,000 miles away… cuz we’re all in this thing together. And I don’t know how many of you watch “Flavor of Love” on VH1, but recently departed contestant Goldie is a comedian as well and she was in the chair just in front of me in line for the audition. I haven’t ever seen the show, but she was a very cool girl…

Best of luck to all of you who are planning to audition at the other open calls around the country… and please don’t be discouraged if the judges look you right in the face and tell you, “Sorry, but you’re not what we’re looking for.” It’s not necessarily (HA!) a reflection on your talent. They’re making a TV show and they need it to be entertaining… Plus, if they turn you down and you hit it really big… you can talk about them on your E! True Hollywood story like that poor coach who cut Michael Jordan from the HS basketball team. He’ll never live that down.

I feel sorry for fraternal twins. They really get the short end of the “twin” stick. I mean it’s like they’re not even twins at all… Everybody LOVES identical twins, but nobody “ooohs” and “aaaahs” when they see a set of fraternal twin babies… Why? Because there’s nothing special about two kids who don’t look alike. People see that every day…

You never see fraternal twins in Doublemint commercials, they probably get teased by the “real” twins at twin camp, and you can’t dress them in matching outfits because they just end up looking like they’re wearing hand-me-downs from their older identical twin siblings. I’m sure they’d never admit it, but I bet the parents of fraternal twins feel like they got jipped — cuz they’re just as expensive as identicals, but only half as fun… And I mean then there’s the whole fantasy thing — I mean guys don’t drool over fraternal twins… “Tina and Timothy… that is so HOT!…” I just don’t think it’s fair.

One of my very best friends — and comedy road dawg — just moved to L.A., and I’m sad… Some of my other friends tried to make me feel better by saying things like, “Hey, it’s only a plane ride away,” and “L.A. isn’t that far,” and it would have worked, except I’m not an idiot. Los Angeles IS far. It’s about as far as you can go from here without a passport… And it’s 2006, EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD is only a plane ride away. That doesn’t make it any better. Boo hoo hoo.

Before I get into my main point, I would just like to thank Kanye for not letting me down. He did win a couple awards, but he still gave me what I needed. If you hadn’t been bored to sleep yet, you may remember Kanye’s “unprepared” acceptance speech, where he started off by saying, “I had no idea,” and then pulled out a letter-sized paper with the words “THANK YOU LIST” typed in large bold print on the back. Man, he really thought that bit was gonna kill, but instead… crickets. Hey Kanye, I’m a comic. I know the feeling. HA! He is such a top-notch jerk I almost wanna like him… Oh and then there was his performance where he began by saying something like. “This is my second year here. If I don’t win, there’s gonna be a problem…” Really, Kanye? You’re wearing on everyone’s patience.

And now to my main point… I realize that I have a disease. Website-itis. I’m trying to deal with it, but I cannot stop changing this site, no matter how hard I try… Thanks for stopping by enough to notice, but please stop e-mailing me and telling me that you like or don’t like what I’ve done, cuz it’ll probably be different tomorrow. It’s the way I’ve always been. I learn something new and I dive into it. This Internet.com stuff (shout out to Rouhier) is really cool, and I enjoy learning it. Hey, at least I’m getting my $4.99/month worth!

I’m really hoping Kanye West doesn’t win any awards tonite at the Grammys — not because I don’t enjoy his music, but because he makes things so much more interesting when he loses. I’m just praying he’ll give us another gem — tell us something else we already know but can still laugh at. “George Bush doesn’t care about Black people…” Now that was good, but I know he can do better. “Oh I see… y’all just gon’ give that joint to MARIAH? OK, OK… well her boobs are fake and she AIN’T really black!” 
 
Oh Kanye, PLEASE just one more.

I think I’m coming down with a cold — well actually, I’m pretty sure I am, because my body attacked me from the inside Saturday nite during a show. What do you do when you’re hit by a coughing fit during the middle of your set??? Well, you just stand there and cough… and apologize… and cough some more. It was weird because no one seemed concerned that I was dying. No one offered to bring me any water… Everyone just sat there quietly and waited for me to finish. By the time I was through with all the hysterics, what was supposed to be a 35 minute set, ended up being 40. So I started thinking, if I can manage to get the flu, I’ll be a headliner in no time! HA!
 
Because this show was in Edgewater, MD — population: White — I decided to ask the audience what they were doing to celebrate Black History Month. When one guy yelled out from the back, “Well, we’re here watchin’ you, ain’t we?” I decided to cut my losses and change the direction of the conversation. I wasn’t about to wait for him to go, “And we didn’t pay $10 to come watch a negro cough!” HA! Just kidding Edgewater — like anyone from Edgewater is reading this — except maybe Rob. It was a good weekend all in all, and I hope they’ll have me back soon.